Friday, March 24, 2006

My diet is killing the economy

It's true. This afternoon, while driving up (up = north) Belair Road, I passed the Krispy Kreme. Now anyone who is anyone knows that Krispy Kreme is the nirvana of doughnuts. That is an undisputable fact, one of the very tenets of existence. But still, since I am diabetic, I can't go having doughnuts all the time. It's bad for my life expentancy. And because of that (and because I am in need of dropping a few pounds, say the amount of your average 10 year old), I gave up sweets for Lent. And to make it a little better for me, I gave them up a few weeks before Lent started. I still want some once in a while, but the cravings have subsided quite a bit. Life is funny that way.

But more to the point, as I drove past said pocket of perfection in this otherwise often drab and dreary world, I noticed that the building looked a little different. Then I realized that it is because all of the signage on the building and in the street were missing. And THAT is when I realized that the Krispy Kreme had shuttered it's doors and was no longer in operation. And I cannot help but feel at least partially responsible for that. Maybe if I had gone in there sometime in the last month or so (assuming it was still open then), I could have bought a dozen originals and a few extra of the Cinnamon Buns (which could very well be the greatest food ever invented, and is definitely in the Pantheon of Finest Doughnuts, up there with the Boston Kreme from Dunkin Donuts and the marshmallow filled doughnut from 3B's bakery in Pasadena MD, on Ft. Smallwood Road, right across from Northeast High School and the Public Library. And no, I am not getting any compensation from them, but that doughnut was frickin' awesome man. Believe me), maybe I could have increased their profit margin enough to allow them to continue to serve the general population. All I know is I better lose a lot of damn weight now in order to make it all worthwhile. To think that I may have robbed an entire community of Krispy Kreme and not have anything to show for it would truly be heartbreaking.

And one other final quick update before I wander downstairs to take a shower and go to bed. On Tuesday I found out that JJ either was not mad at me, or that she cannot hold a grudge if it means not talking to someone with every damn breath she takes in that cheating Death body of hers. It was probably too good to be true. Part of me (a VERY small part) is glad that I have not caused any major issue in the basement (although why should THIS week have been any different), but a much bigger part of me was sitting there Tuesday thinking that Psycho (she gave herself that name, and if not, well, its too good of a name to not have SOMEBODY using it, and I am hoping she is a good enough sport to allow me to call her that. If you are not sure who I am talking about, just look at my links to your right. Her new blog is really a fascinating read, especially from a psychological and socialogical standpoint. Being able to watch someone go through the dating process and be that open about their experiences, joys and fears is truly magnificent. Please check it out), well Psycho may have been right about the whole "just keep pissing her off enough to keep her from talking to you, but not so much that she causes problems for you" concept. But since I have never been known for my ability to use moderation, I would probably take it too far within about 2 weeks and next thing you know I am in the Principal's Office. And that would be the suck.

I think that should cover me for now, but I promise to return as soon as possible (read: hopefully before my long weekend). By the way, I should tell you that Belle is taking me to Maine for the weekend of my birthday. I get to visit old friends and spend some quality time with my wife, and also get to get away from works and responsibilities for a few days. And we are going up there on a train! I've never been on a train before, so that should be cool. Currently I am trying to convince Belle to join the Ground Level Club with me, if you know what I mean.

And if you don't, well, let me put it in clinical terms. I wanna fornicate with my wife on a train. Or to put it in terms that most of my readers would understand, I wanna bang my wife on the train. Yeah dude! Totally score!

And now I am unclean.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

The Over/Under and the Graying of my own private America

Okay, I have a lot of crap to get through here. It wouldn't be so bad, but when I tried to post last week, either Blogger or my computer were conspiring against me. So anyway...

About a week ago, I think I may have pissed of ol' Jabberjaws. I am waiting to see how it plays out, but here's what happened. It was Wednesday, in the middle of a LONG day, and JJ was in rare form. I think she has actually mastered circular breathing so that she does not actually have to stop talking in order to inhale. If I didn't want to muzzle her, I would probably be impressed. But I digress. JJ was going over to Mealy Mouth (she of the special cubicle built where our nice full sized fridge used to be, the one they removed and replaced with one built for a dorm room so she could be down here. She has that almost Doug and Wendy Whiner way of talking, and to make matters worse she is a Redskins fan, and to make it still worse, she isn't even loyal to them! Months of her talking smack about the Ravens, talknig about how the entire team is just a bunch of thugs [but bring up Sean Taylor...], gloating and generally being an annoying bitch while trying to get us to use her and reference her to our friends because she just got her real estate liscence [nice job of waiting until the bubble's about to pop before riding the wave MM!], and less than one day after the Skins get eliminated by the Seahawks and she is rooting for them all the way! I HATE when "fans" throw allegiance around like that. Damn this was a long aside), we are going to call her MM for short. Wow, let me recap. JJ was going over to MM's cubicle to review some chart information and JJ asked if she should bring her chair over with her. Now I MEANT to say this under my breath, but I know Wonder Woman and Ms. Marley both heard it (one has the same name as the star of the 70's show, the other is from Jamaica. Why use nicknames if I am going to explain who they are? Because for at least one insider in my world of artificial lights and filtered air who reads this, I want to see if I can make her laugh. And since she is the only regular reader that I see on a regular basis that I am not sleeping with, I need all the feedback I can muster. And as I type this, I have decided to call Ms. Marley Yah Mon from now on. Because I can). They both giggled, and I didn't think any more of it. Well, later that afternoon, JJ came over with something she had been emailed all about credit fraud and identity theft. The fact that everyone who works in this hospital who has email (which is everyone down here and about 95% of the staff) got that exact same email from the same person as she did apparently didn't deter her from printing up the damn thing and talking up a blue streak about how she had made copies for all of her "friends". And she DIDN'T GIVE ONE TO ME!!!!!!!!! In fact, she didn't steak directly to me for the rest of the day! And honestly, I was really okay with that. Now she was out last Friday and this Tuesday, so I couldn't put my theory to a test until yesterday. When I cam in, she was already here (and Wonder Woman looked to be at her wits end, and it was only 8am!) and I made it a point on two seperate occasions to speak to her, just exchanging a pleasantry. NOTHING!!!!! Ha HA HA!!!!!!!! Fredom, horrible horrible freedom! WW is convinced that she just had a lot on her mind and wasn't aware of the snub, but we all know better, don't we? Yes we DO. To prove my point, she made it a point to go to everyone's cubicle yesterday and do the "lean on the wall and talk about a whole bunch of useless crap" thing for at least 10 minutes per person. Longer if the person couldn't figure out a way to get rid of her. In fact she spent about 15 minutes talking to Grammy A (she reminds me of everyone's grandmother's slightly sassy friend, the one who came over for tea and would say the things that would make your grandmother giggle and say "You are SO Wicked! Hahahaha!". You know the one). The conversation eventually turned into a talk of the medical problems of the two women and their respective loved ones. And as I have said before, there is only so much information about another man's prostate function that I can safely hear before I have to somehow change the subject. And before you think that I am being homophobic, I feel the same way about yeast infections. So I am equal opportunity. Granny A's cubicle abuts mine, so JJ was about two and a half feet or less from me during the entire conversation. And while she kept glancing at me, she did NOT speak to me once again! WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS MY FRIE-E-END!!!!!! Of course, I expect this to be only a temporary reprieve, and no dount will receive some sort of rebuke from my boss over this incident, but for now, I shall enjoy my moment in the sun.

Now as far as the graying of America, I plucked a fully gray hair from my scalp the other day. My father used to say the old cliche "God only made so many perfect heads. The rest he covered with hair". In fact, I thought that was his saying until I starting seeing t-shirts with the phrase, and realized my dad was just too cheap to buy one, so he memorized it instead. I also know that my grandfather's hair didn't start to thin out until after I was born (I am hoping that there is no connection there and that it is merely coincidence), and my father has started to get a little thin, but he is nowhere near Picard/Connery territory. And I have maintained for years that if I were to go bald, I would not resort to toupees or weaves or transplants or combovers or anything of that sort. I never gave much thought to gray hair. It just didn't enter my thought process. Especially since my father really didn't even begin to gray until fairly recently. And I have no problem with having gray hair, except that I kinda do. I don't know what to think. Am I going to go out and pick up a case of Grecian Formula? No. Am I going to pluck every gray hair I see? No (but I am not quite as confident in that answer). The only reason I plucked this one was because I wasn't completely sure that it was a gray hair. It looked like a hair that the light was catching differently, and it was a decent bit longer than the other hairs. When I would turn my head to the mirror, I couldn't see it. Plus it was on the middle of the side of my head. I kinda figured I would start on the temples like Reed Richards and Nick Fury.

So where does that leave me? Getting old, but not ready to talk about my goiter with co-workers just yet. Even if they start the conversation. And for at least another week (because she won't be back until next Wednesday if I overheard her correctly), peace in the Middle East (section of cubicle world that is. I am not sure which of us would be which countries. I will have to work on that). - comedy for a cause.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

In 20 years, we will look back on these days and laugh. Unless we're dead by then.

Yes indeed it is a new day, a beautiful frezzing rain and windy day. Let the sunshine in, let it make you grin (is that how it goes?). Anyway, I am here in the below sea level section of the hospital that must not be named for fear of lawsuit (have I mentioned the place by name before? It is so hard to keep track). I have finished my lunch (Quizno's. The new prime rib sub. Good, but not sure if it is that much different than the steak they already offered. Of course, the fact that I all but drowned it in their horseradish sauce might have masked some of the subtle nuances of the sandwich experience), said my prayers and taken my vitamins (still a Hulkamaniac at heart TYVM), and I am officially ready to rock and/or roll. However, it is now after 3pm, and I will be leaving soon, and have no desire to dive into the next heavy project at this moment. So screw it all, I am gonna kill me some time and see what happens.

If you look to your right (my left, your right), you will see a brand spanking new website link. What is it you ask? Why it is the Early Monday Morning Show website (hence the name of the link). That's right, it only took 6 years of being Baltimore's Best Improv Troupe (R) and we are now online and ready to make you laugh, internet style! Of course, it is still under heavy construction, but since I am under heavy sedation, it all works out.

The Comedy Festival is coming up in about a month, and things are finally coming together.

And now for a completely unexpected segue, I have been on the phone with clients and BGE for the last 30 minutes or so, and now I have to run to get to work #2 on time. Maybe more tomorrow. Or maybe not. I just cannot be relied on it seems. Sorry.

Seacrest, OUT (of the genepool please)!