Friday, December 28, 2007

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Have to head to Bullseye in about 15-20 minutes, so this is all you get for now. In case I am not back beforehand, Merry Christmas, and all that cheery crap.

A few quick holiday pics for ewe...

One for the road...

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Deaf people have no phone manners.
Well, not all of them. But I just got a Relay call. For those of you who are uninitiated to these, it is a system for people with hearing impairment to be able to use the telephone. They type messages, and a Relay Operator (probably another copyright) reads what they "said". Then you respond, and they type it back to them. It is a good thing. Unless the hearing impaired person is a butt face.
I was asked if I had any computers for sale. I responded with "I'm sorry but this is a private residence. I think you have the wrong number" (you are supposed to respond as if you are talking directly to the person who is on the other line, not say "tell him / her that I said...). There was silence for a while, then the operator told me that the person had hung up. No apology, no "okay", no NOTHING.
Butt face.
I have invited a few guys over tonight to hang out, since Wifey is still away and we are not going to be able to have our usual Christmas party. I figured I would have a "Guy's Night In", poker and beer and whatever. I don't know who is showing up, but if it winds up just being Larry the Upstairs Neighbor and myself, we can easily watch a bunch of episodes of The Wire and either cook something or order a pizza / wings. So I am going to enjoy my evening. But last night at the ol' Bullseye I noticed something that has been occurring for a while now.
Wifey has been away for the last 3 weeks, and for the vast majority of the last month and a half, living in NY and rehearsing for her show there (did I not fill you in? I cannot remember). Well, it has created a positive conundrum for me. It is positive that she got cast in a show up there, and that she is getting a chance to prove herself in NY. It sucks that I have been home alone (excepting the animals, which just don't count), working extended holiday hours to come home to no human. And I have been very lonely, especially in the marital duty department. Yup, like Eddie Murphy in 48 Hours, every time the wind blows...
Well, last night I realized that for some length of time (I cannot pinpoint the exact genesis of this phenomenon [doo-DOO-doo-doo-doo]) every woman I see has been moving up that mythical scale that all (okay, 90%) men use to rate women. A 5 has become a 7, and so forth. And when I couldn't stop staring at this random woman's chest last night (she seemed to like the attention enough to display them even more prominently to me until she noticed my wedding ring), I realized that my needs are no longer being met by the interweb and cocoa butter (yes, every guy does it, no matter how much he is getting. It is one of those base, from the primeval time instincts that we just cannot control. Lately I have been one flux capacitor and 1.21 gigawatts away from travelling through time, with my Johnson taking the place of the DeLorean).
Wifey comes back tomorrow at 10:30AM for a brief stay before heading back either Wednesday or Thursday, and from then she won't be back until late January. So on the off chance my boss at Bullseye Inc. reads this, if I am late for work tomorrow, DO NOT CALL ME. I will get there eventually, but sometimes other things take precedent. And if I do not take care of this precedent, I will not only be unable to walk upright but I will also be an extremely grumpy son of a bitch. Not what you would want working 2 days before Christmas. You have been warned.
And to all of you, don't expect any communication Tuesday afternoon / evening / night either. We are going to my sister's for brunch, then we are going home. And for the rest of the day, we do not know you. Deal with it.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

It's been one of those weeks. And today is Office Christmas Breakfast day in Moleville.
Currently I am being forced to listen to Anne Murray's Christmas Album. By all that I hold Holy I never knew that piece of musical torture existed, and now that I do, there is a tiny piece of me that is dead inside.
JJ just decided to impart some wisdom on me and in order to do so she needed to get within 5 mm of me, then put her hand on my shoulder. Between that and Anne Murray, I no longer feel like eating (unless it is to eat my own brain / heart in some last ditch self defense effort).
The Lurker just gave me a Slinky.
All better now, TYVM. Gotta go grab some egg casserole and a bagel.

Clark's Christmas Vacation Tirade

NSFW!!!! But still a classic.

Ding! Fries are done Siberian style!

Whatever your views on Family Guy (and mine are becoming more and more muddled as the show continues. I have not seen much at all of the "return" episodes, but the ones I have seen I have not ben overly impressed with. But this is a pretty good remix.

Reverend Charles

Oh, we need to roadtrip to this guy's church. Oh, wait, he doesn't have one. LET'S BUILD HIM ONE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

He tasted like a bowl full of jelly.
And just because I was sitting here Farking, check out this link...
If for no other reason than to just read the headline.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Wait'll you get a load of THIS...

Iron Man in May, this in June or July...I'm already starting to get a chubby.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

I know I am more than overdue to post. With Wifey away, my will to be witty and get immediate gratification from her when I come in the house and tell her to read it, my will, it is teh waning. But I keep thinking of all of you and all these random posts that I should do. I am going to try to collect them and put them up in the near future. But in the meantime, since you caught me being so lazy, I will do naught but look adorable until you forgive me.


Christmas In Hollis

Monday, December 10, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Look out below. I am in one of those weird moods where I will post almost anything. Why? Sorry, I can't hear you. I've got a loaf of Italian bread in my ears.

Picture pages redux...

I cannot guarantee that I am done yet. Because I just don't know if I am.

Lemme esplain...

No, is too much. Lemme sum up...

I have mentioned my recent battles with insomnia. I had another fight last night. REM lost (damn you Bill Berry!). So I am caffeinated up pretty good and at this very moment taking a break from my federally required medical theory training / reprogramming (the hospital has about 25 or so accreditations that it likes to keep, spending millions of dollars [I assume it is that much. They cannot convince me otherwise] to make sure that CARF and JHACO and BINGO and all the rest give us the Seal of Approval. Personally I would rather they say "screw the accreditation" and pay me a damn living wage. I am kind of selfish that way, but anyway...). There are some things that are generally good to know, and it can't hurt to mandate refreshers on things like sexual harassment and respecting patients and co-workers (part of me wonders if there is a loophole I can find in these things that would allow me to have JJ and Asian Mustard Lady permanently banned from my personal bubbles - my personal space bubble and my auditory bubble - that might be worth more than the living wage to tell you the truth), but a lot of the stuff I think is a little beyond the pale for me to have to know. For instance, if there is a patient really relying on me to administer medical advice / make a medical decision that could have ANY kind of impact on them beyond what they are being served for lunch (and that might be too much responsibility for me if you really think about it. sick people have some effed-up dietary restrictions), odds are they have a lot more to worry about than if I am HIPPA compliant in my decision making, since odds are it will only happen in some kind of bizarro, Red Dawn-esque apocalypse where confidentiality of medical records won't be nearly as important as finding a way to get up into the mountains in order to begin a guerrilla campaign against our oppressive overlords.

In other words, I am feeling le Goofy. And there is no way I am even going to TRY and stop this Crazy Train.


Nope, I ain't done yet...

Okay, now I am done for a while. How long?
YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!!!! Muah-hah-hah-hah!
BSR (for at least one day the "BS" stands for BAT SHIT CRAZY!)

Friday, November 30, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

JJ has been here almost every day for almost a month and a half while The Nice Lady who usually is full time recovers from neck surgery. The Nice Lady (TNL) is one of the oasises (oasee? How the hell do you plurify oasis? There has to be a word for more than one...) is one of the people we like around here.
JJ has been going off like she is auditioning for a part in the revival of those old FedEx commercials (What do you mean what am I talking about? You damn kids with your hair and your clothes, paying no respect to your elders. Look HERE). But more and more, my zen technique of listening to the sounds past her instead of the cacophony of annoying that she doles out all but CONSTANTLY gets me through the days.
No, the real reason I am flipping the middle claw at the world is all the damn shoppers and what I know is coming this weekend...
As has been discussed here (and other places) in the past, people in Baltimore, and really in Maryland, have no idea how to drive. Hell, we get bumper-to-bumper traffic snarls because of glare. Yes, people cannot figure out how to either A) wear sunglasses or B) put the visor down a little. So when we get rain (be it three drips from a mist or a "should we start building an ark" downpour) or sleet or snow, all bets are off.
This weekend they are calling for rain, freezing rain, sleet, and possibly snow mixed with rain. That will bring every non-driving "See You In Toledo" (ask for meaning if you dare) out of the woodwork. And where are they going to go???
To the grocery store.
(Say it with me locals!!!)
1. Milk
2. Bread
3. Toilet Paper
How many locals were able to recite THAT shopping list without looking? Now be honest. How many of you have that particular shopping list planned for the weekend?
So Bullseye Inc. is next to the SupaDupaFreshBoyeeeeeeeee!. Which means that we get the overflow. Not to mention that we carry all three items, so people get the bright idea that they can beat the rush and sneak through the cracks. However, if your average brain dead yokel can think of it, so can his cousin / sister and the rest of his non family tree forking family. And the neighbors. And so on. Now we do stock a fine selection of ass paper, in many different amounts in each package, multiple ply options, aloed and non aloed, and the option of single, double, or even "mega" sized rolls. The only limit is your imagination and the tensile strength of the paper holder and its connection to your bathroom wall. If you want to use Charmin to test the laws of physics in regards to adhesion principles, we can help. We have a decent selection of bread, a lot of it is our brand, but bread is pretty standard. Because we are not one of those "Super" stores (they only put those in places where there is no grocery store in the immediate vicinity), there is little space for milk. We carry it, and it sells out pretty quickly, but a lot of that is due to the limited capacity. Now where is all of this expounding leading to?
What happens when a large group of panicky people all have the same thought at once and rush into a small, centralized location in order to act upon that thought, but of the three aspects of that thought, there is a exponentially dimishing amount compared to the number of people seeking to act on those aspects? There is enough of aspect A for all, but 27% will miss out on aspect B, and almost 78% will be disappointed in their search for aspect C. And don't forget to factor in that while the location might not have or carry and weapons in the traditional sense (nothing you have to wait 5 days for), they do carry a number of sporting goods, and many sports are somehow heavy blunt object that can be swung like a club based. That is just one of those eerie coincidences, like Lincoln's secretary being named Kennedy and Kennedy's secretary being named as a plaintiff in a paternity suit against an estate (ZING!!!!!!!).
And I am not allowed to carry ANY sort of weapon. Not even a stick or club of my own.
I have been involved in more than a few altercations at the ol' Bullseye. They train you on how to move and react in a team scenario in order to apprehend and subdue, and it is a technique that works well. Add to that my history of working in bars and at concerts, and I can pretty much hold my own in most circumstances. But when you have 75 angry grandmothers coming at you on Hoverounds while waving canes and / or umbrellas at you, well you have yourself a "Choose Your Own Adventure" of litigious proportions.
THAT is what I am looking forward to for the weekend, in addition to the usual holiday shoppers who are just annoying as all hell. And as an added bonus, I have to work Saturday night (I am usually off Saturdays), because a co-worker needs the night off.
I am going to go there tonight and requisition a big flask. If I am going down, I am going down swinging. And drunk as all hell.

Happy St. Andrew's Day!

As my brother from another mother (but probably from the same bottle of Douglas), it is St. Andrew's Day. Don't know what that means? Check THIS out... and get yourself edumacated! Down a pint tonight!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Warning - NSFW but SOOOO worth it when home!

Larry the Upstairs Neighbor has gotten me into the Wire over the last couple of months (much to Wifey's chagrin). So when I saw this, I HAD to share it with you all on the off chance you are also watching this incredible TV show (I am halfway through Season 3 - thanks free TV on Demand!!!!! - and I already know that when the complete series box set comes out it will HAVE to be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine). Either way, you gotta scope this. Just do it at home (with no kids in earshot), or if you have headphones at aork, now is the time to pop them on and ride the wave of insanity.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Mr. B Natural Part 1

Of all the MST3K's out there, this one might just be my favorite. Of. ALL. TIME. And that should tell you something

Mr. B Natural Part 2

And now...the thrilling conclusion!!!!!

I can haz dyeulog pleez

It might be from the recurring insomnia that has me searching youtube at 5:25 in the morning, but I really liked this.

Friday, November 23, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Holiday shoppers. DO NOT WANT!!!!!!!!
I haz comedy show tomorrow night. COME SEE ME!!!!!!!!!!
Brain on 4 day weekend. Body on 5 hours sleep. Body win fight.

Now that I got THAT out of the way

I am just not in a great mood today. I am loathing going into Bullseye Inc. more than usual today because of "Black Friday" (ooooooohhhhh).

---BTW - Black Friday is named that not because of the horror that it brings on store employees and parking garages around the country, but because it is usually at this day that the store's operating costs for the year have been met, and the rest of the year is profit. Of course that is not how the accounting is done, but if one were to take all the things a store has to pay for per year (product, payroll, electricity, rent, etc.) and total up how much they pay for the entire year, it would take them until about this day to make enough money to pay for all of that, and from here on out until January 1st it would be all profit for the owner / shareholders. And now you know...

I just am not in the mindset of putting up with these asshats and all the crap that will entail. Checking the receipts on stuff and being accused of being racist or of profiling or just plain annoying because I have the nerve to ask to see proof that you purchased that 50 inch plasma TV. Because no one would ever attempt to steal something as inconsequential as that.

Asshats. ALL of them are asshats.

BSR= Grumpy Old Man (but if I have any luck I will be Burgess Meredith. He got all the good lines).

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

No real reason really. I just felt like posting it. And sometimes I like to use alliteration when talking about random choices. What can I say, I am a slave to my whims.
Happy Thanksgiving BIZ-NITCHES!!!!!!!!

Save the Internet!

I really cannot tell you anything except that this might just be the greatest video EVAR!!!!11oneoneone4

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Sleep, it has been avoiding me lately. I wish fervently for it's return.

Friday, November 02, 2007

"I'm Pissed Now"

It is Friday. I am giddy at the prospect of not hearing an alarm clock at 6 AM for two whole days. I am giddy for other reasons, but those will have to remain between myself and my giddyness (giddiness? Giddyup? What-the-hell-ever). But this made me chortle, and almost spit coffee on my work computer. They frown on that.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Today's Mood Is...


Okay, it is Halloween. Time to dress up your kids in bizarre clothes and take them around the neighborhood for some organized begging for food. Good training, if the current economic indicators are going to continue their trends.

BTW - I am putting the over / under count for Wifey's "awwwwwww" when the little ankle biting bastards come up to take my hard earned money one Krackle at a time at 37. Any takers?

Of course, I participated in this post - modern FDR New Deal style handout charade when I was a kid (and well into my teenage years). And if and when Wifey and I have little tax write - offs of our own, they will too. So all of this leads me to take a long look at what the hell we as responsible adults are contributing to our nation's growing obesity in children epidemic, and to examine quality of the handouts and the two philosophies of Halloween candy giving.

First, the philosophy. Quality versus quantity.

The ultimate in quality is full sized candy bars. Now to the best of my recollection, I never got full sized candy bars on Halloween. I am pretty sure I would remember that. Apparently it is becoming in vogue to do this. Maybe if I had Rockefeller money I would consider it, but for now, no go.

Next in quality is the fun sized candy bars, but only if you are getting candy that you would buy for yourself if you were 8. The list (in no particular order) is...

Hershey bars (with or without almonds)
Reese's cups
Snickers / Milky Way / 3 Musketeers (any of the trinity)
Nestle Crunch
Kit Kat (has to be at least the two bar package)
M & M's

That's it. Don't try to tell me that there is anything else that deserves to be on that list, because you would be wrong. No other candy should even be considered. And before any of you mention Mounds / Almond Joy, I am invoking the Coconut Corollary. Too many people do not like coconut (myself included) for it to be on the list. They are like the black jelly beans (why do I get the feeling that Jesse Jackson is going to protest me for saying that?). People who love them LOVE them. People who don't DESPISE them. But I am willing to bet you that there is no one who kind of likes them. Black jelly beans and coconut candy are polarizing treats. There is no middle ground with them.

With these candies, two per bag is acceptable. Don't go all cheap - ass and give one. If you do, prepare for your house / car to be egged and / or toilet papered next Moving Night (or Mischief Night, or whatever you called it as a kid. One exception. If you are from Detroit, it is called "tonight". That applies to whenever you are reading this).

After that, you are looking at quantity time. Here is an example.

Last year Wifey and I did quality. Hershey bars and assorted compatriots all around. No Nestle in this house. Wifey is against them. Why, you ask? Look HERE. I was abandoned by Wifey (for reasons that still remain unclear) on Halloween last year, so I made it a point to give out at least 2 - 3 pieces per kid. That's just how I roll. It went well, and we were blessedly free of vandalism throughout the year. Now this year I had every intention of repeating this plan. However, the scavengers who shop at my store had raided the candy selection to the point that I was expecting to see a hausfrau fight over a bag of chocolate last night. I didn't, but I was prepared for it nonetheless. This caused me to go with Plan B...quantity. I picked up 3 (!) bags of Willy Wonka (I know they dropped the Willy from the name, but I never will. They are what they were when I was riding my bike to Jubs to get a package of Bottle Caps, and they always will be). The bags were filled with over 100 pieces each of Nerds and Laffy Taffy. Plus, I grabbed a bag that had Nerds, Laffy Taffy, Runts, and Bottle Caps just for the house. So we have 400+ pieces of candy. The only reason I got all of these? So that we could dole them out by the handful to the little bastiches who come a - knockin' at our door.

I will be the first to admit that while Nerds (and to a lesser degree Laffy Taffy) are good candies, they are not top tier treats. If we were to just give out a couple to each, well, I would be fearing for my tires for 366 days (stoopid freaking Leap Year). I ain't having that. I am counting on at least 4 - 5 pieces each. I am going to have to make that clear to Wifey. That being said, if we are running low, I am planning on rescuing the remaining Runts and Bottle Caps. They don't deserve those. Not that they are inherently better, but the personal nostalgia value trumps their momentary pleasure. Besides, they won't enjoy them on as many levels as I do.

Momentary side note: Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare? I surely hope not.

So, it is now almost 5:30 and I am waiting for the first round of beggars. These will be the 2 - 6 year olds that Mom is walking around in broad daylight in order to keep them off the streets when the older, more vicious kids come out. This will probably account for the majority of Wifey's "awwwwwww"s. It is just how it is. If I am lucky, she will get all worked up seeing them and I might get lucky tonight. Cross your fingers for me.

Momentary side note deux: This is the one night of the year that FURRIES can come out and celebrate with the common folks? Do you think that the FAO Schwartz has to put out extra security for their big window displays?

Okay, I need to wrap this up. I will talk at you all later.


I just reminded Wifey of the 4 - 5 rule. She said she was well aware of that. Good. One less thing to worry about.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

I have to word this one carefully. Bullseye Inc. is VERY sensitive to the possibility of not-approved information being leaked into public. Add to that the inherent sensitivity of the fact that I have to respect the rights of criminals and victims, and you get to the tap dancing that has begun my post. But I am going to soldier on, and if I get fired, I expect all of you to donate heavily and regularly to my cause (that cause being the needs to pay mortgage and buy groceries and all that crap).

SO... we have a couple of different programs that we use to enter information about incidents that happen at the store, be they external or internal, cut and dried or ongoing investigations, so forth and so on. We can do searches on these programs. Usually you enter the store number that you are searching for and then give it whatever other parameters you want in order to get what you are looking for. 9 times out of 10, you are searching for your own store, or another in your group or district. Well, if you remove ALL store number information you can pull info for all the stores. ALL of them. Of course, if you don't REALLY narrow down your other parameters, the computer will tell you that there are too many records to display if you put all stores. Well, the other day I was eating my lunch / dinner (whatever the hell you want to call that break), and I was just scanning not approved reports for the entire company on a day by day basis. I find that reading through those makes my own report filing better (seeing other's mistakes and not repeating them). Just like reading through other stores incidents over any period of time shows what trends might be happening in the district, something that might otherwise escape notice. But I digress...

I am scanning through these reports, and I see one that catches my eye. I open it up to read the narrative, and THAT is where it gets weird...

**I need to make it clear now that what was occurring in the store was not funny. But the report WAS funny. At least to me. Make your own judgement**

There was a man in a store that I can safely say is at least one good day's drive away from where I live / work. This man was walking around the store, specifically in the men's clothing area. And it seems that he was walking about exposing himself. This was seen by an off-duty police officer, who alerted store security and also assisted in detaining this man once the authorities were notified and had arrived. By all accounts, the situation was handled quickly and professionally. Maybe that is why the report made me almost spit coffee all over the screen while gut laughing.

I understand the need to use technical and / or medical terms when discussing this kind of incident or entering a report about it. I also know that not everyone has the gift / ability to have a lot of words at their disposal. I know that a lot of people rely on Spellcheck in order to catch any mistake that might otherwise slip through. Yes, I know all that. But still, there are things that can get past Spellcheck, things that are spelled correctly if not used correctly. And that is what happened in this report. For you see...

The man was walking around men's clothing exposing his gentiles.

Now, that is not a DIRECT quote, in that I did not print it out nor did I memorize it. But on a number of occasions, the phrase "exposing his gentiles" was used (now the picture makes a little bit of sense, right?).

Usually we just get a description with height, weight, etc. This was MUCH more precise and detailed.


Just a couple of things on my mind...

In no particular order...

  • I am always bothered when I have something like pizza for dinner, and the next morning my farts smell like a root cellar. I know there were no unwashed potatoes or carrots in my meal. Why are they in my farts?
  • Put your fucking collar down. You look stupid. Seriously, who the hell decided that popped collars needed to come back?
  • Also, if you spend time and money trying to make your hair looked mussed up like you just got out of bed, you are a moron. Again, I know I am old and out of touch. But if that means that I don't understand $50 haircuts that look look like rat's nests on purpose, than I am happy to be out of the loop.

That is all for now. I just needed to get those off of my chest


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

With a side order of...

The first pic is one of a kid from England (who it seems is a huge Harry Potter freak) who found a traffic cone and put it on his head. Then it got stuck. And they had to call the fire department to cut it off of him. The thing that I love about it is that the parents thought to snap a pic of the kid while waiting for him to be freed. And then sent it into the newspaper. HAH!
It is even more poignant to me because when I was about the same age as that kid, I got my head stuck in the railing at the new house we had just moved into. At the old house I could stick my head through the railing no problem, but here it was apparently a different story. I am not going to get into ALL the home remedies that my mother and the lady who lives in the house that abuts our back yard tried (but I will admit that butter was involved. Or to be more precise, margarine. Which I am pretty sure is one of the reasons I cannot stand the stuff now) before eventually calling the fire department at our locale, who used some crowbars or the jaws of life or whatever to get me free. 30 years later I can laugh about it, especially now that I don't see the aforementioned lady on a regular basis (to tell the God's honest truth, I love her to death, and she and her family have been true friends to our family for 30+ years. But that being said, her constant reminders of the day when I was 3 and got my head stuck in a railing, as well as when I was a kid and used to pronounce iced tea as "hiced tea", something I learned to correct through school and self imposed voice training, well, it could get a bit grating after a while).
Now on to the Borgnine. Asian Mustard Lady just stopped by (remember her?). Within 10 seconds I was longing for JabberJaws (because JJ I can block out pretty easily, or at least direct her inane, constant banter on someone else with a well placed statement / question. It is kind of like a game, like pass the potato, but with a blathering human as the root vegetable). First of all, she speaks in a very cloying tone. Second, she snaps her gum and chews with her mouth open. That is another one of those things that I got from my parents, but this one I don't mind nearly as much. If you are in a field chewing cud, go ahead and chew with your mouth open. If you are not, close your damn trap. It is up there with people scuffing their feet when they walk. DAMN that annoys me. But finally, every time she sees me she asks me if Wifey is pregnant. But she does it in that annoying, cutesy way that makes me want to kick her in the ovaries so SHE can't spawn any more future annoying little bastards. She asks how EVERYBODY in my family is doing (sometimes one at a time just to prolong my agony), then starts asking if I have any news. I answer that I do not. Then she asks at least 2 or 3 more times just to make sure I know what she is talking about (because she is so fraggin' subtle). By the 3rd variation on the theme, while she stands there leaning on my cubicle walls cracking her damn Satan gum and invading my personal space, it is ovary-kicking time. So far I have abstained from going American History X on her internal X's, but I cannot guarantee future deferment if this continues.
It is 1, and I need to go get another cup of coffee (slight insomnia last night). I might post again later. Might not.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

With a side order of...

...leading me to react thusly...

...which causes THIS reaction...

Yes yes yes. Back in Moleville, back with the Mother Cluckers who must prattle on and on about EVERY DAMN THING THAT FILLS THEIR TINY LITTLE MINDS!!!!!!

While being subjected to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack (specifically Eric Carmen and Patrick Swayze in an ad infinitum loop of nausea-inducing wonderfulness), one of the cluckers has felt the need to tell EVERYBODY who walks in that the new Tyler Perry movie did well this weekend. Of course, she has no information regarding the movie's weekend numbers, she just knows that it did well, and she needs to make sure that everybody else knows that too (I know how easy it would be to look up the numbers. I do not care and will not do it). She is also talking about how Mr. Perry and Janet Jackson were on some program (no idea what), and someone called in and referenced Janet's infamous Nipple Slip/Wardrobe Malfunction. And it seems that to the cluckers that was completely uncalled for. It is in the past, and it was rude to bring it up now. I also learned that if everybody hadn't started talking about it when it happened that it would never have become a big deal because who really saw it?

It was the freaking Super Bowl you moron. On an off year 50 million people in the United States ALONE watch it! Just because your dumb-ass doesn't watch football doesn't mean that the rest of the world doesn't!!! ARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about that.

BTW - Currently playing over on the Casey Kasem Long Distance Dedication Channel (which is where ALL of these songs ended up within 6 months of their release) - Crystal Gayle-Brown Eyes Blue

Death is beginning to look like a viable option.

So anyway, along with all of this, the discussion of Patrick Swayze during Eric Carmen (which was begat from "Is that Patrick Swayze?" "No, it's Eric Carmen. But don't you worry, Patrick Swayze is coming up soon. Don't you worry". I am fairly confident that NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF MAN has ever said "don't you worry, Patrick Swayze is coming up soon". Has their ever been anyone so panicked and in need of a Swayze fix that they had to be soothed and coddled by the thought of his singing voice coming soon, and this actually did calm the person down? Is their a medical term for this? Is it okay if my spine has started to eat my brain in a vainglorious but ultimately unsuccessful attempt to save me from this?), the topic of Patrick Swayze's brother came up. Yes, he has a brother. Yes, it seems that he performs. I have no idea if he has talent on a Michael Penn level or a Frank Stallone level. I DO think that there needs to be some kind of graph for famous sibling talent that has Frank Stallone on one end and Michael Penn on the other, with various reference points in between. Can someone design this for me please? Does anyone have any suggestions on who should be slotted in the middle and where? Or do you think that the top and bottom dogs need to be replaced. Let's talk it out people!!

I digresses a little there...

So, there was talk of the Brother Swayze. And some debate of whether or not he existed. I still don't know the final answer (again, not caring enough to look it up). And THIS is what led us to the MASSIVE discussion on Julia Robert's brother Eric. It seems he was in a movie. You know that one with the gangsters that had that woman in it...

...when it is my mother in law who is trying to describe someone or some movie that way, I will grin and bear it and endeavor to do my best to decipher what the hell she is talking about. That is one of the jobs of a son in law. But when it is an annoying coworker prattling on and on about every DAMN thing, I can only take but so much.

Just so you know, right now we are talking about that famous guy who went out with his girlfriend and was filming a nature special and it seems he got mauled by a bear REAL bad. And now we are wondering what bear is the meanest, be it grizzly, brown, black, or polar. I am pretty sure the answer is Dick Butkus. I am going to start crying now.

I promise you that one day I am coming in with a tape recorder and just taping ALL the inane bullshiat that gets said (and played) around here. I might need to use it as Defense Evidence 1 in my trial.

For the love of God, they aren't shutting up. NOW they are discussing how they don't understand how anyone can go mountain climbing. Well, I am about 15 minutes away from grabbing a pick axe and a rope and heading for the Appalachians myself. And maybe it is the rage over being subjected to this never-ending conversation that I am having to suppress talking, but the main clucker laughs like Barney Rubble. At a higher pitch, but still... Barney fraggin' Rubble. I can't take anymore, I am really about 5 minutes from snapping.

NP - Extreme-More Than Words. My cerebellum just exploded.

Wrapping up now so that I can get the holy hell out of here. I am going to try and update the Sports Blog tomorrow, some football and possibly a little baseball discussion.


Friday, October 12, 2007

Pa Pa Pants Man!!!!!

I cannot possibly do anything that could do this justice. I am now humbled by the sheer brilliance.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

I am hoping that all 3 pics show up on the post. Teh Blogger is acting teh wacky.
On a personal, whoring myself out for attention note, I have FINALLY updated Another Damn Sports Blog. I think that Things Found in My Spam is going to die, unless there is some massive groundswell for it's continued being and updating.
Auditions went well. I think that we found some quality, and a couple real diamonds in the rough. We will see what happens, but for now I am cautiously optimistic.
Complete tangent. Yesterday (or maybe it was Saturday) Larry the Upstairs Neighbor mentioned hearing "Cantaloop" by Us3 on the radio. This afternoon while driving back from running an errand on my lunch break, I heard the song on the radio. And I have to say...
Damn, what a great little slice of music. Why the hell didn't that band make it bigger than they did?
Okay, after burning a lot of time on the sports entry, and more over here, I really need to get to work. But at least you have the possibility of 3 whole pictures to look at!

I think the Boomtown Rats would have been a more appropriate selection

I appreciate a wide mixture of musical styles. However, Doral Dental has decided to change their hold music to something that would make Kenny G nauseous and sleepy. I am not doing well as I spend my 17th straight minute on hold because "Dennis" (not his real name) can't figure out that the difference in time between October and May is longer than 6 months.

But since I started typing that last sentence, "Dennis" came back and told me that October to May IS in fact longer than a 6 month interval, so the claim is being reprocessed. HUZZAH! And I was able to turn the music that I have streaming from teh interweb back up to an audible level. Thank GOD hat 100.7 is streaming online now. Current selection - Bon Jovi.

And also, whenever I hear "Livin' On A Prayer", when Richie Sambora (or whichever fool is doing this particular guitar part) starts up with the Peter Frampton-esque "whuu-WHAA-whuu" (the thing like when the Frampster did "Do You Feel" like his guitar was talking and 5,000,000 guys sitting in their respective basements stoned out of their friggin' minds SUDDENLY and SIMULTANEOUSLY became convinced that the guitar WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO THEM!!!!!!!!), I have to mouth (or lip synch, as it were) that guitar part. Don't ask me why, for I have no explanation. But I must. And I was. And now I feel better for having done it.


Friday, October 05, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Who needs noob winks when you has the charisma?

Not me.


Okay, less than 24 hours until the big auditions, and the machine is barrelling along with no signs of slowing down. There are a bunch of things that I would love to tell you about right now, but alas, I cannot. Probably I won't be able to fill you in for quite a while. But when the time comes, you will know all the sordid details. And then you will know why I am ready to yell and pull out my hair. Or yours, if you get too close.
Still kinda sick, but feeling a little better. Mebbe I will be feeling better soon once my new health insurance kicks in.
You know, I work with insurance companies a lot (mayhap I have mentioned this before?). And still, the machinations that one must deal with to get the insurance correct is mind boggling. For instance...
Wifey gets laid off. Okay. We were both on her health insurance, I had waived mine at the hospital. So when Wifey gets the boot, they tell her that part of her severance package is that the insurance will cover her until the end of September (the 30th, the last time I checked). So on October 2nd, I go to the hospital's HR department to add Wifey and myself to the insurance there (the 30 days after major life change trumping the "you must wait until open enrollment, which by cosmic law is as far as humanly possible from the time of the major life event, no matter when said lefe event occurs). I take in the letter given in to Wifey saying "Your job here? Thanks but no thanks. Signed, the suxors!", which clearly states insurance through 9/30. Still, I get a call today saying that it was longer than 30 days, but they can still probably squeak us in. Umm, what? Also, they need a copy of the marriage certificate. Umm, what redux? Isn't the copy you got when you added her to my dental plan enough? Response...NO ASSHAT! NOW BRING IT TO ME!!!!!!
I might have paraphrased there.
Anyway, someone else in HR got ahold of the folder with the big sticky note saying "We is confuzed here", and looked at it. Now all is supposedly right with the world and Wifey and I are again prepared for the next major health concern. Which, according to my calculations, is in approximately 17 minutes.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

...see, what had happened is...

...with a side order of...

I am sick. I have auditions for the biggest personal undertaking save for getting married that I have ever even entertained the thought of taking on in two days. And my dog is apparently channeling Apache Chief and growing at an exponential rate (click on puppy pic for full massive-ity goodness). So basically...

" nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that I'm PERFECT!!!!!!!!"


Thursday, September 27, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

I am being held hostage by the Lite FM.

One of the little Mother Cluckers (the Hens. I just wanted to be slightly risque) is currently jamming out to whatever Lite rock station she found on the interwebs.

So far I have been subjected to...

Richard Marx - Hold On To The Night
Lee Ann Rimes - How Can I Live Without You
Chicago - You're the Inspiration
some cover/remake of Ain't No Mountain High Enough
Kenny G - I do not know the name of that one damn song that was popular, but I know I hate it
Luther Vandross - Dance For My Father (Dance With My Father? Whatever the hell the song is they released after he died)

It isn't going to end anytime soon. But I have had my own little modicums of revenge. I made chili last night (I might have mentioned that yesterday, but after 15 posts, I cannot remember any damn thing I put out there). I have been percolating all night and all morning. And this morning I have ripped about 7-8 little stink bombs that I have dropped all around the office, making sure to leave them in enough places that no one can be completely sure who the culprit is. But I know for a fact that my chair is branded now.

Taste my wrath bitches! (and taste my dinner too!)


Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Actually, it's not true. Today was pretty successful, all things considered. I got up and finished the yard work, then poured some drain cleaner down the kitchen sink in order to get that flowing better (oooh, check out the manual laborer). Mix that in with some working from home and general busyness, and today was much more success than fail.

But that picture is TOO DAMN FUNNY.

Right now I am sitting at the computer (WARNING - OBVIOUSNESS ALERT!) at home, waiting for Wifey to come home from shopping (apologies to C3PO the Translator Lawyer Droid for leaving him high and dry without any backup tonight). Wifey had to go shopping to get the remaining pieces for her outfit for the wedding of Lithuanian Lass and the Irish Computer Programmer (or whatever the hell it is that he does. I know he is smart and makes good money. Yet even with all that I still like him. I guess I am growing up after all). She needed shoes and a corset. And right now, all I want is a pre-wedding fashion show. And if I don't get one, you are going to have one very unhappy BSR sulking about the house.

I just went to get a drink, and as I was walking past the front door, Wifey was pulling up. So I am going to wrap this up, but just to make it clear...

I get a show or Wifey gets a cold shoulder to sleep next to.


When you have to kick out someone with MPD... better be ready to share the story with the world.

Saturday I had to open at Bullseye Inc. (I needed Tues., Thurs., and Sat. nights off, so I had to make a compromise). I was talking to a guest when I get a report of an old lady dancing around the store, randomly lifting up her shirt to just below "Danger Will Robinson" levels, and spitting out curse words. Well, to say the least, I was intrigued. So I go to check it out, and lo and behold, the report was spot on. So I go up to the "nice" lady and tell her that we value her business but I needed her to stop flashing the toys and to stop cursing. She said she hadn't realized that she WAS cursing, but she would stop immediately. As soon as I turned around (and before I had taken a single step), she called me a


motherfucker. So I told her that she had to go. This is what brought on the spectacle of me leading her out of the store, with her cussing me out, then cussing herself out for picking on the nice boy doing her job. The whole time she was speaking in the second person, telling herself to shut up "You be quiet, he's just doing his job". "Fuck you, he's an asshole and so are you!".

Mind you, none of this was being directed at me.

After I got her out of the store, I received a report from someone walking in that a crazy lady was walking out in front of traffic and cussing at everyone. Even though I wasn't a math major in college, I was able to add this particular 2+2. So I went out to find her. She was sitting on some steps, sorting out her condiment packets (that she had taken from the snack area of the store. She looked up and saw me, then called me a (and remember, this is a direct quote) "nigger white trash". Impressive pedigree, no? Well she wasn't done. A few seconds later she said that I was a "nigger motherfucking fascist pig". By that time I had alerted someone in the store to call 911. She grabbed a handful of the mayonnaise and mustard packets that she had spent considerable time organizing, threw them at me, and marched off into the parking lot, where the only thing that kept her from being an addition to the nearby speed bump was the anti-lock brakes on the SUV that she walked right in front of.

The last I heard she was in front of the local high school flashing passers-by. I think the cops got her. But I am not sure.

I love my job.

And This Is A Picture Of Her

You ever...

...have one of those days where you realized you haven't posted on your blog for the better part of the month, and suddenly you start posting crap and the next thing you know you've put up 15 posts in one night?

I know I have.

Why the hell is it this hot?

It is less than a week until October. It got to 92 degrees today. WTF Mother Nature?!?!?
So, in order to try and cool myself down, I decided to reminisce about my birthday weekend in Maine last year. These are some of the pics I took with the digital camera that I bought specifically for the trip. I love that house in the first picture (I may have mentioned that previously. If I did, oh well. I want it. Deal with it), and the mountain with the snow trail just looks SOOO nice. I also love how clean the water is (the pic of the rocks).
I don't feel any cooler, but I do feel better.