Monday, March 26, 2007

A Quick and Dirty Hit

It is Monday, and I felt the need to begin with some pirates and space bears (not to mention wacky robots and the skeleton of a dwarf). The wolf and the space ships shaped like derby hats (or acorns, I cannot decide) are also a nice touch.
I am not in the best of moods. Day job is pissing me off lately (I am tempted to just have a gigantic bitch session, but it would feel a little much like self centered whining, and even I have my limits when it comes to begging for pity, no matter what Wifey says. If it keeps up, prepare yourself for "The Whining"), and I have an ear infection right after kicking a cold. I am taking antibiotics so strong that I can actually taste the color blue. But (and it is the ability to notice things like this that is both my blessing and my curse) I am beginning to get worried about the possible side effects of this current medication. It seems that this medication may decrease the effectiveness of some birth control pills. I was supposed to ask my doctor or pharmacist for more information, but I neglected to notice this oh-s0-vital warning in time before I left the pharmacy the other day. Now that is bad enough news, especially since Wifey and I are not planning on having a child in the next 9-10 months or so. We will have to be careful because apparently my doctor or pharmacist believes that I am on "The Pill". And if that weren't bad enough, I am now at an increased risk for yeast infections! I need to be wary of any vaginal itching or discharge!

If I start to suffer from any vaginal itching or discharge, a yeast infection is the LEAST of my worries, don't you think?

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A Special Christmas

The one I put up has apparently been removed. And I need to keep this alive.

Here we go again (again)

Yes it has been a few weeks. One day shy of three to be exact. I have been sick, Wifey is sick right now, and the BCF (Baltimore Comedy Festival) is in less than 2 weeks. Plus there are those pesky two jobs to deal with. So I have been a little bit busier than usual. But I shall strive to fill you in on all the pertinent info. Let me bullet point it so that I can disseminate the information to you faster and then move on to topics that require more detail.

  • A hearty congratulations to Target who decided to wait until a week after the release of the DVD of Borat to get some ancillary merchandise in (2 shirts, neither one seemingly of very high quality). Both have the character of Borat on them. One says "Nice", the other "High Five". Way to stay on top of the trends Target!

  • I have been married to Wifey for almost a year and a half, and have been in a relationship with her for over 5 years. Until this week, I never knew that when she was sick that everything smelled like fried chicken to her. I find that to be an awesome side effect of being sick, and fervently wish for it to be contagious. Also, I can only pray that our children are similarly blessed. Imagine the agony of being sick being muted by having everything you come in contact with smell like you are in Popeye's. How cool would that be?

  • This morning on the drive in I was at a stop light and looked at the traffic waiting to come in the other direction. I saw 5 dump trucks in a row, all waiting out the light like me. To the vast majority of the population that would be completely innocent, but to me it was immediately a group of German terrorists smuggling gold, and it took every ounce of strength in my still half asleep, no coffee yet this morning body to not jump out of my car (or as close as I ever get to jumping out of anything), scream "Chester A. Arthur!" as my battle cry, and pull one of those guys (yes, I am assuming that the dump truck drivers were men. Woe to the gender-specific job profiler!) out of the cab and search him for a bundle of 10 quarters. Why my brain makes these kinds of connections (and rather quickly considering the time and the complete lack of artificial stimulation coursing through me) is one of those things that is either one of those things that draws you to me or makes you not want to invite me over to the house without first locking up all the soup spoons for fear that I will bend them Uri Gellar style.

  • I have it on good authority that there is no Rule 6.

  • I found a couple of old tapes that I made for a show I directed and have spent the last couple of days of commuting time listening to them. I would like to editorialize my opinions of these tapes, but I feel I cannot objectively opine on their meaning or whatever window into my psyche they may reveal. But they have been great fun for me, and I get the feeling that I will be avoiding radio for a while so I can listen to them a few more times.

  • JabberJaws is back from a 2 week vacation. I entered my personal Cubicle Death Row to her sitting at her desk mumbling about the numbers she was entering into the system. It was just me and her. It was the longest 20 minutes of my recent life. I put on the Stevie Wonder, The Definitive Collection CD and tried to drown her out of my head. So far I have been unsuccessful, but the Lurker and Wonder Woman have joined me here and that has lessened the blow. Now she is grumbling something about old music. Since I have no idea how old the old bat is, I can only assume that to her, old music is fife and drum and that this "rock and or roll" (and possibly "jigaboo" music as I have heard the old guard refer to it) is as annoying to her as my Metallica albums were to my parents all those years ago (I knew to keep my NWA tapes only on headphones. They could handle loud guitar and screaming, but I don't think they were ready for the revolution)

  • Finally, I need to tell the Ronnettes (and by extension Wifey) that my bid for President has very little overall to do with whether or not I do in fact take off my shirt and fulfill the prophecy of my blog's name or if it will just continue to be a vaguely identifiable reference to The Simpsons that only geeks like me and Larry the Upstairs Neighbor and I (and also my good friend C3PO the translator lawyer) get. The fact that the original email by one of the Ronnettes said that she would vote for me only if I did remove my shirt has evolved into a thread worthy of X-Files-o-philes (which I REALLY hope is the name for big fans of the show, because that would be awesome!) of bantering back and forth, with Wifey (seemingly) getting jealous. Of course, Wifey had to work into the thread a reference and picture of the 2 guys from Supernatural. Because, as I am sure you remember, "that show is made of awesome". And this week, for some reason, it smells like fried chicken.

Let me share the transcript of this thread with you (the names are removed to "protect" the "innocent"...

You’ll get our vote if we can finally see you shirtless!!!! J

I second that motion

All you hussies need to back off!

What’s the problem? I say if he doesn’t do
it, that’s false advertising!


Some more.

Hater!!!!! J

You’re psychosis is frightening

Ha hahaha hahaha Ha

Watch out, [name deleted]! I hear a demonic laugh! You might want to get your
sword and salt ready!

I know! I’m just going to have to call the hottest demon hunters ever to
help: [this is where the picture was]

What we? You have ulterior motives missy

That is where it ends. So now let me make a few points on this.

  • I fail to see how demon hunters and TV shows that make Wifey moist and me somewhat pointless in her life (as long as she as them to fantasize over, along with her Sean Bean guy, I am basically window dressing with an extra limb if you catch my drift) have to do with my being the leader of the free world.

  • It really wouldn't be false advertising unless I was actually elected. Big Shirtless Ron is just a name of a site. I never made a claim that I was the Ron in question. Yes it might be implied, but it is not implicitly me. And even so, I never make a claim as to WHEN I am shirtless. I could be shirtless right now (and wouldn't THAT be a fun way to freak out JJ. Hell, now I'm tempted to sit here and do my work in my boxers just to see what would happen. But I won't). I could be shirtless in my home (which I am quite frequently). But I will make this pledge right now. If I am in fact elected, I WILL give every supporter who requests it a signed 8x10 glossy of me posing completely shirtless (if you vote twice I might be bottomless too. With three, you get egg roll).

  • I really don't have a third point, but I said I was going to make a few points, and at this point I had only made 2. Since it is universally accepted that 2 is a couple and 3 is a few, I felt the need to make a third point here, even if that point is just making the point that I have no actual third point.

See how Presidential I am? Not only did I keep my word by making three points, I used enough circular reasoning/double speak to confound the average person, thereby ensuring that I can package my words can be packaged any number of ways in order to either confirm or deny whatever platform I am currently supporting or railing against depending on the special interest group that is trying to buy my vote with their $500 plate fund raiser. I hope you are listening Order of the Blind Left-Handed Dentists with Tourettes Syndrome. Get that rubbery chicken and those waxy green beans on those plates and let's get a move on here. I need campaign coffers and a battle/war chest. Those are the things hey always mention on CNN and Face the Nation as the candidate's best friend.

Also, my old college buddy Middle Name Morgan sent me a link to the guns and dope party, urging me to affiliate with a party for all of the benefits that it entails. I will consider it, and I do like a lot of their platform policies. However, their reliance on ostriches is a little disturbing. Check it for yourself...

My Dear Friend,

I support your decision to run for
Commander-in-Chief. However, although running as an independent has both its
advantages and allure, having the backing of an actual political party may add
dignity and, if I may, a sense of gravitas. A suggestion:

I am going to take his sage advice and continue to make myself available for any party that wants to contact me in order to have me run with them as my backer. Until that time I will stay independent and will act accordingly.

I really need to get back to work now. Have and excellent weekend (I know it is only Wednesday, but I also know that odds are I will not be back online until next week. But before I go, one final thought. I was (and still am, although I can't afford it like I could in middle school and high school) a comic book geek. Due to the aforementioned lack of finances, I do not collect regularly anymore. I rely on Larry the Upstairs Neighbor for all the good stuff, and I read Wizard magazine pretty much every month. So I am not over informed on the latest Marvel MEGA CROSSOVER EVENT OF THE MILLENNIUM, Civil War. I know a good bit about it from my sources, but that is as far as it goes. So I really had no idea that they were going to kill off Captain America, and even if I know for a fact that they will retcon (comic geek talk for using a new story to go back and rewrite what happened, kind of a mea culpa, 4 color deus ex machina literary device) or just straight out deny the finality of the move with some convoluted explanation, I am still bothered by the death of ol' Cap. So I particularly liked this picture I saw (I hope this posts. You who are old friends of this thing know that me and picture posting don't always get along). Goodbye for now my little minions.

Quick and dirty addition. Blogger decided to post the picture up top. So now you went through this long ass post and now finally understand what the hell it is supposed to mean. Don't you feel complete now? I know I do.


Friday, March 02, 2007

And so the masses speak!

It has been all of 2 or 3 days since my big announcement, and already I have a volunteer to be my personal Secret Service escort (although if Fineous won't block the occasional Wifey forehead flick I don't know if I trust him to jump in front of a bullet for me. I might have to make him the Secretary of SNIP! btw - that's an inside joke, don't even try to figure it out), and I have 2 votes, but they are qualified with special requests. Now I have plans to be the President who finally stands up to special interest groups and stops the pandering to the lobbyists. However, in the interest of fairness I feel I must share the requests of my first official supporters, who I expect to see on the campaign trail any moment now. Spread the word my pretties, spread it!

First comment... You’ll get our vote if we can finally see you shirtless!!!!

and the second... I second that motion

Well ladies, first of all you will have to clear that with the First Wifey. Secondly, while I have no intention of making this a habit, if I do in fact win the election, I will pose for you with as few clothes as you wish. I might even have some glossies printed up.

Speaking of Wifey's role in the administration (and if we weren't speaking of it, we are now dangit!), she is openly campaigning for Secretary of Defense of Head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. To those requests I have unequivocally said "no". Anyone who knows Wifey knows how dangerous she is unarmed, or armed with only a butter knife of plastic spoon and her always with her propensity for accidental carnage. If you think I am going to let her be anywhere near the football you are crazier than I thought you were, whoever the hell you are (yes, I think you are all crazy. Even YOU). That being said, why even become President if you don't get to be all nepotistic and crony-ish (I don't know if they are words, but if they aren't I will decree them to be after the nomination. Kneel before Mirriam Webster, son of Jor-El!), so I will gladly accept any and all requests for official positions in my Cabinet or for any other appointments. However, in order for your request to be accepted, you must give me valid reason why you should have this position. And if this reason is presented in Haiku style, all the better.

As far as the positions go, pretty much all of them are open and available. The only one that anyone might have dibs on is Ed Norris (the former commissioner, not the local actor made good) for Secretary of Defense. He has no idea that I am planning on appointing him, and I would have to issue an executive pardon first, but I would probably need at least one person I haven't yet been drunk with or slept with (or in a few cases both) in an advisory position. And since he is (from what I have heard on the radio) one of the most rationally positive thinkers I am aware of, I wouldn't mind having him bending my ear. Besides, I figure he could clean up a lot of the bullshit currently blocking up the system.

Okay, I await more responses now, and am eager to hear questions regarding policy. Remember, the email to contact me is . All emails will be answered.

Join me next week for the running diary of the class I was sent to by my day job. 7 hour class, I lasted all of 70 minutes. As soon as the first break hit I rolled out and had a delicious, reasonably priced meal at Cracker Barrel. But until then, take care my pets, and let's keep moving all the way to Washington!

BSR in 2008