Friday, August 31, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Oh boy, do I have something to tell you all. Really big news.
But I can't. Not just yet anyway. But very soon.
In like 2 or 3 days or so.
BIG BIG news.
Just wait my minions. It will be worth it.

Jerry Falwell was RIGHT

Shit like this never happened on Mr. Rogers. I'm just saying...

Oh yeah, I forgot...

Yes, it is in fact about 5 minutes of 3 in the morning and I am awake. Why? Lots of reasons. My legs are hurting to the point that having them elevated is beyond painful. I had an ulcer burst this evening and it is not being a nice open sore.

(I hope you aren't reading this over breakfast/lunch/dinner)

Add to that the big announcement that is pending, which is swirling around in my brain, and you have a classic case of insomnia part deux. Yuck.

But it is amazing the things that you think of when you are awake at 3 in the morning. There is an added benefit to Wifey's getting axed by that ungrateful bitch of a boss (nope, still not bitter, tyvm). What is that benefit, you ask? Well, I'll tell you...


So, there is that silver lining that they always talk about. How sweet is that? Very sweet.


Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Will YOU hold my lamp for me, please? K Thnx bai!
I had the thought of putting NSFW on the top of this, but the pic would have loaded anyway right next to the NSFW. Besides, I don't know if it is all that bad. Hell, it got through the uber-OSS-esque filters here at job 1 (where things like ARTICLES about fantasy football get blocked. grrrrrrrrr).
And honestly, the only reason I posted it is because it is absurd. Seriously, how is that supposed to be sexy? Yes, I can see butt crack, and what looks to be the bottom of a rather puffy aureole (which I have never been a fan of. Hard nipples, YES. Puffy aureoles, not so much), but that is all looking past the obvious problem here...
Okay, technically it isn't UP her ass. But that is close enough. Now if that was an actual lamp (meaning she was actually made out of lamp), I would be tempted to buy it, if only to trump Ralphie's father. If she were to light up also, it would move into "must-own" territory. But some random borderline attractive female holding my lamp with the power of her glutes is not my idea of sexy. It is like an IKEA ad gone horribly wrong...
"Do you feel bad for the lamp? Then you are stupid! The lamp does not have feelings..."
IKEA - Unporning
I hope some of you get that.
Anyway, I need to move on, but before I go, I really hope that Wifey is reading this and knows not to get any ideas of copying this in an ill-fated attempt to arouse me. It won't work. Plus, all we have around the house is ceiling lights, most with fans. And that would just end badly if she tried to copycat off of this image. Really, REALLY badly.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

...with a side order of...

Okay, it is no big secret to the vast majority of readers here (at last count, "vast majority"=7) that Wifey got released from the shackles of her employer on Friday. I don't know if it is classified as "fired", or "laid off", whichever would give you a severance package. Of course, the lady who decided that her services were no longer required has been dealt a shit storm in response. Others in the company have apparently railed on her pretty hard. Ha.
To make it even more fun, she starts sending out this pre-emptive email to those who might not have heard of the unceremonious canning stating that Wifey "chose to move on", or some damn thing to put the blame off of herself. Uh-huh. You are guilty ogf being a "See You In Toledo" (don't get it? ask me for an explanation).
Now Wifey is okay with it all. There had been a lot of undue stress and bullshit piling up on her recently. And add to that the severance package, the ability to temp and get odd jobs (and hopefully pull off an audition or two that throws more than the usual pittance at the performers), savings and unemployment, and it isn't like we are going to be applying for food stamps and government cheese anytime soon. So all that together means that it might be the best thing that could have happened. We will have to wait and see.
Honestly, I am not plotting any revenge. Seriously. And I am definitely not asking any Ronnettes (2 of which came over to a house that just lost an entire income stream and proceeded to mooch a home cooked meal off of us, so they owe us!) to forward me any kind of vehicle information for any kind of guilty party. I would never even intimate that, thank you very much. I DO NOT CONDONE ANYONE AT THE OFFICE THERE SABOTAGING HER LUNCH!! Don't do that! And for God's sake no one had better start a campaign of practical jokes designed to drive her so crazy that she has to quit while she goes someplace for "rest and relaxation", like maybe some place that rhymes with Deppard-Tratt. DO NOT ask me for suggestions on how to pull of this slow, grueling torture. I have no need to assist anyone in that endeavor.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

I have no delusions that I am anything but a big fat guy. It is true, no need to sugar coat it (but it does make it tastier). I am fat. I am losing weight, slowly but surely. But right now I am big big mofo.
So I am at work last night at Bullseye Inc. when the manager (oh, excuse me, the Leader On Duty, or LOD for short. Not too fascist/totalitarian, is it?) came up to me and said that since the store was projecting to beat the sales goal for the day by about $50,000, and since we were understaffed and everyone was working their collective tails off and getting a little frustrate by the sheer enormity of the night that he was going to buy dinner for the store (before you think he was being too magnanimous, he petty cashed it out). He was asking me what we could do besides the usual pizza (which is the default and usually the option chosen), when he said that what he really wanted was a McDonald's double cheeseburger (actually he said he could go for 2 or 3, but I didn't want to make him out to sound like a glutton right out of the gates). I said I could go for that myself, sometimes a greasy McDonald's burger hits the spot just right, even if Wendy's and Burger King taste better (I don't know if I ever sang the praises of Wendy's "Baconnater" sandwich. I am pretty sure that I have, but in case I haven't...YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). So he starts to call around to the approximately 247 McDonald's in a 1/2 mile radius from the store, but every time he gets laughed at. It seems that people don't ever call in orders for 75 sandwiches (he decided on 50 double cheeseburgers and 25 McChickens with no mayo to account for everybody getting two sandwiches and a few wanting three - like himself and me). Finally, on the 63rd call, he gets a manger who tells him that she can't pre-make the order because it sounds too much like a crank call, but if we go in they would be glad to fill the order.
So he sends me.
I walk in and go to the counter. The young lady asks me for my order. I say "50 double cheeseburgers and 25 McChickens with no mayo".
At this time I would like to make it clear that they were not that busy, and in fact when I walked in there was no one at the counter and only 3 tables being utilized, all with people already eating.
I give her my order, and she looks right at me and says "Will that be for here or to go?"
Like I said, I know I am a big guy. I can accept that. I have no illusions. But I never in my life thought I was big enough that a complete stranger thinking that I could eat 75 sandwiches in one sitting. Apparently I was wrong.
Honestly, the question dumbfounded me a bit, so I just stared at her for a moment, then did the only thing I could do. I told her "for here, and can I get a small Diet Coke? I'm trying to watch my caloric intake". This confused her. I know she is young, and this is probably her first job, but like Bill Engvall says, "Here's your sign".
Luckily, the manager was behind her, and she has a sense of humor. She walked over to the cashier, gently put her hand on her shoulder, and told her to make it a to-go order. Then she gave me a medium sized cup for to have a beverage while I waited, for the wait would be significant, especially in the speed realm of fast food. She and I chatted amiably for the 45v minutes it took to complete the order, and she gave me her name and the store's phone number so that next time we COULD call ahead, and next time she would believe us. To top it off, she gave me a sack full of fries and 4 hot fudge sundaes for free, since I pretty much destroyed their sales goal for the hour.
So it wrapped up pretty cool. But still, if nothing else I have a new career stare at a pile of 75 sandwiches and triumphantly yell...

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

The lights went out, and Nikki stawted to GW-IND!!!!!!
Come back Nikki, come back!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

The neighbor drama continues. I have not mentioned this before (I don't think), but one of our next door neighbors (and I do mean next door here in the land of row homes), but for the last few months there has been some drama between them and us. Most of it has to do with parking. He (of the he and she) does not like to park under the tree on his property. Instead, he likes to back up as far as possible so he can be near his door but still not have his precious Honda pooped on. Fair enough. But I also like to park near my door, as does Wifey. So when we park our vehicles before he gets home, what does he do? He pulls back until his bumper is about a pubic hair's width from the car behind him (which is usually us). And the bastich is rather passive aggressive to boot. We have our grill on the front porch (you can't take ALL the redneck out of me). Twice he (or his OH-SO-LOVELY WIFE) has called the cops to complain that the smoke is blowing in his house. That would be a fair complaint except for two things.
1) It isn't illegal to grill on the front porch as long as you don't leave the propane tank attached when it isn't in use and you stay by it when you ARE using it (check on both accounts).
2) His complaint of the smoke (which really isn't much of a complaint. I don't burn things, and since I clean the grill well, it doesn't smoke much if at all) is moot, since if his front window is open, so is the back, and therefore if the grill is in the back yard, the exact same problem would happen. So WTF dude?
So after the second time that the cops come over and tell me that I am not doing anything wrong, the next day he comes over to tell me that Wifey keeps hitting his new car and she needs to watch herself. He's seen her do it. There is the slightest chance that I would give him the remotest level of credence if he had said something WHEN HE HAD ACTUALLY SEEN IT. But he waits until he is thwarted by the local constabulary to be a whiny little bitch about something that I do not believe for a second. So screw him.
Now last night Wifey was being dropped off by Killian, and Jerkass (yup, he just got an official BSR name, the lucky bastard) comes home and does the same thing, only parking behind her. He parked so close that Wifey couldn't even fit in between the cars, and had to walk around his car to get in the house (and it isn't like she is BSR size. I lucked out into one of those Fred Flintstone/Peter Griffin hot wives for fat guys deals. Screw you companion slotting ratios!). It made her laugh at the absurdity of it, which made him (he was obviously standing at the window watching her) come out and mumble some shit under his breath (including the word "bitch") before slamming his front door shut. Now, if Wifey had not told me the story while laughing about what an ass he is, he would have had a knock on his door sometime around 11PM yesterday.
I have been waiting patiently for him to come over today to start some shite, but so far Jerkass has been more Chicken Little than Mouthy McPoopypants (I am SOOOOO mature sometimes). So we will see how this plays out, but it has been on my mind all day, and that means I get to abuse you with my ramblings. Hee hee hee.

30 minutes of 80's cartoon Openings

This might be the most awesome time waster I have found all day. And that is saying something.

The Royal Rumble House

Wifey just walked in the door. This made Buttercup EXTREMELY happy. She was doing her usual "PET ME NOW!!!!" (the dog, not Wifey), and Wifey picked her up. Eventually, I am guessing that Wifey got tired of the usual "I'll hold you puppy" routine, because she went for one of those Eddie Van Halen playing guitar behind the back moves with the living creature in her arms.

THAT is when it got ugly.

Just in case this ever gets introduced in court, I want to make it clear that I saw nothing until I heard the "THUD", and saw Wifey standing over her vanquished foe like Hulk Hogan towering over "Macho Man" Randy Savage at Wrestlemania 8 (or whivever damn one it was), followed by the dog wandering over to the couch with a "I just forgot my parent's" face. I can say no more.

Except this...Wifey is pushing the dog at me saying "She's fine. She's trying to kiss you". And laughing like a deranged axe murderer. The only problem is, the dog no longer knows who or what I am, only that I taste vaguely like ham. Or so I have been told by my Jewish ex-girlfriend in a Dear John note.

PETA, I am innocent.


Another reason Insurance Companies make my head hurt

I am a smoker. No, I am not proud of that. In fact, I pretty much hate it. Even if it does make me look cool, I think the phrase "Alive With Pleasure" is a real big oxymoron. I have been trying to quit off and on (more off than on to be brutally honest) for the better part of the last 5 years. So far, there have been a few pockets of success sandwiched in between huge areas of failure. I have even gotten a prescription from my doctor (who is an excellent MD) trying to help me out. He "diagnosed" me with mild depression (I am hoping that he was just using it as a front. I rarely listen to Morrisey, so I think I am safe from that particular problem) in order to prescribe an anti-depressant that has a side effect of helping you quit (beats the hell out of most side effects, but it doesn't compare to those 4 hour erections they talk about. I haven't had one of those since high school, and there wasn't much of anything I could do with that then except walk hunched over a bit so that I wouldn't accidentally impale something, or someone). Unfortunately it hasn't helped.

Now I have heard of this new prescription called Chantix that seems to work wonders. I know two people who have used it and have quit within a week, and through some friends I know of probably a dozen more who have had similar success. So it sounds like a natural, right? Only the insurance company won't cover it. And without a prescription it costs somewhere in the area of $200+ for each fill/refill, and you have to be on it for about a month or so (which means at least 2 fills. or $400). I already work 2 jobs and don't have that kind of scratch floating around. The only way I could afford it is to quit smoking for a few weeks and save the money.

You see the irony there, right? Of course you do my little Morrissettes. It's like rain on your wedding day and shit like that.

Here is what is killing me (besides the cigarettes that is). The insurance company doesn't want to fork over the dough to cover the prescription, right? But they will fork over all the money for the chemo in 10-15 years? I am willing to bet that the oncology visits are going to cost more than the prescription, not to mention the little things that get bigger because of the smoking (like the circulation problems that exacerbate the leg issues that they have paid a few thousand for already). Don't you think that it would be smarter for them to pay up now? I know I do.

And for those who say "just quit", well, if you can do that, you are stronger than me in the willpower department. I really don't want to keep spending the money for something that is going to kill me. It is an addiction. I know I was stupid to start, and I regret it, but that doesn't change anything about the fact that I did and I would like to stop. Short of holding a telethon, I don't know what to do.

Besides light one up, that is.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

with a side order of...

...of course, it isn't YOU I hate, per se. Unless you are one of those annoying people that have been working my nerves lately.
Keep reading...

I ain't doing it again right now

I was just typing up a post. It was a decent length, and was going fairly well. I was about 5 minutes from being complete when I got one of those "...has encountered a problem and must shut down. Send error report or don't send".

Stoopid internet explorer. I can't go downloading firefox here, I am stuck with what I have. And now I do not have the time to re-enter everything. Maybe later today, or maybe tomorrow. So sorry for the complete lack of explanation after promising it in that post right above this one. Blame it on the 'net.

Yeah, ye-aaa-aa-ah

Blame it on the stars that don't sine at night

Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you.

Blame it on the 'net...

Why the hell is that still accessible in my head, but the shit I learned in school that has real import, or at least historical significance is gone forever. Forget blaming it on the 'net. Blame it on the Miller Lite.


News from the front lines

Okay, there is no real order here, but there are a few things I need to get off of my chest...

1. Unless I can find some other connection that explains it, it seems apparent to me that eating anything more than a small handful of original flavor SunChips (tm) gives me gas. Lots of it. I'm pretty sure that I could have eased the energy crunch if I had released them responsibly (instead of trying to gas out random coworkers, and later the dog, just to amuse myself. However, after I beef-faced the dog her tail was still wagging like crazy, so she must enjoy the processed whole grains of SunChips (tm) after they had been utilized for food by my oh-so-efficient metabolism).

2. For those of you who don't live in the great state of Mary "At least we're not as liberal as Massachusetts, those jackasses!" land, we got a lot of rain yesterday. It was much needed, and we will take all that we can get. However, I have to think that unless you have lived in the middle of the Sahara for your entire life you are aware of what rain is, and have seen it before. And yes, I know there were periods of heavy rain, but still, the incredulous looks on people's faces last night at Bullseye Incorporated when they walked out the doors and saw WATER FALLING FROM THE SKY!!!!!!11!!!!!oneone!!

You jackasses. It's R A I N. You don't need to stand there with your gaping maw staring up at the sky and wondering how come you are suddenly wet when you aren't at the beach or in the shower. You don't have to tell everyone around you that it is raining. They can see it too. And you REALLY don't have to grab your cell phone and call your neighbor to tell THEM it is raining. They live three block away. They are getting rained on, too. You slack jawed yokels are wasting the precious oxygen that those of with functioning cerebral cortexes (cortexi? How often does one need to pluralize "cortex") need in order to continue living and evolving within the contexts of our environments.

3. Got a new reader (or at least a new commenter. Say hello to God's Girl y'all! Remember, the revolution will NOT be televised, but it will be commented on by a bunch of snarky know-it-alls who think that their opinions on world events and the happenings in their own backyard are valid and worth sharing with the world. And even worse, that the world wants to hear these inane ramblings. And yes, before you say it, I AM looking in the mirror.

Okay, I need to truncate this. Part of it got cut off by the computer dropping out on me (next post), but enough was saved to salvage the post, so ignore the "maybe later", coz here it is!

Gotta run. There be monsters about that I has to get to slayin!


Thursday, August 16, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Yes, it has been a long week. Wifey and I had a bit of a disagreement (and if you want to know how "a bit", ask the door to our part of the house). I know that all of my married friends warned me that for the first couple of years that the odds were if we were going to fight it would be over money, but that didn't make it any more fun. I did learn one very valuable lesson (besides don't let Wifey try to repair a broken off the hinges door while she is upset, because when she shakes the large screwdriver in your face while yelling at you, you can honestly see your life flash before your eyes), and that is do not eat a big meal on a hot day then get into a rather vociferous argument with your spouse unless you want to lose weight the old fashioned way. By power vomiting in the public restroom of the local SuperFresh (almost everywhere BUT in the toilet. It was like the pie eating scene in "Stand By Me"). And I have been having a bad time with some medical concerns of my own. Nothing serious, but enough to be annoying and distract me from the stuff I need to do. But none of that has anything to do with the picture. So what does the picture mean?
Last night was a long, busy night. Momm-o-in-law had her regularly scheduled physical therapy, but to add fuel to the fire, she was having problems w/back pain and her legs. So she stayed home from work yesterday, and Wifey asked me to take her to PT and then to her doctor's appointment. No problem. Wifey planned on going to the grocery store to shop for us and for her mom after work. Again, no problem. She wound up leaving work sometime around 7PM and meeting me in front of the doctor's office to get her mom's list. So far, long but no major issues, right? Well, all is well until around 10:30PM when the phone rings...
Wifey had been in a car accident. Nothing major, no injuries (and that is the most important thing). But there is some cosmetic damage to the car. And now we find out that the jackass that hit her has no insurance, and that the insurance of the car's owner (which of course isn't the jackass that was driving) is contesting the claim. Stupid fucking lizard insurance. We didn't get our toasted muffin with butter and jam either. I feel ripped off.
Other than that things are copacetic. Our friends the Lithuanian Wonder and Irish Pride (who are getting married in about a month) are coming over tonight. You see, Wifey is going to be in the wedding party, and I am going to be the officiant. I probably have mentioned this before, but I got ordained online and am now legally authorized to join people in holy matrimony. So they are coming over for to discuss the wedding. I am going to have to make sure that the wedding is videotaped so that I can post the highlights.
Heh heh heh heh heh.
Big Shirtless (Reverend) Ron

Love Me Undergarments

Nobody could wear a bra on their head like the King. 30 years later, no one can touch him (and not just because he is 6 feet under).

30 Years Ago today...

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Duct Tape Bandit

Oh, why can't someone like this come in to Target? I never get the fun criminals.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Another night of borderline insomnia, another double between the two jobs, my legs are hurting and swollen, a Wifey home sick, a dog that has no concept of personal space...

bitch whine moan my life is SOOOOOOOO horrible.

At least I have my pity to keep me warm. Of course, staying warm is NOT the problem the last week or so. Maybe I can move in to the walk in cooler at the local 7-11. I am willing to restock for them for free if they let me bunk there.

Breakin' and Poppin' and Totally AWESOME!

This is officially number 1 on my Christmas list.

Start shopping now Ronettes.

I can be hypocritical if I wanna be!

So after railing about how I will overcome the heat and humidity and wait for it to break this weekend, and I won't succumb to those BGE bastards, I come home last night and Wifey has the A/C on (of course, she isn't feeling well, so I am not going to begrudge her some comfort just to save a few bucks). I go downstairs to hop in the shower and prepare for bed, and next thing you know I am setting up the A/C for the basement in the window and turning it on HIGH. Maybe coming into a house that wasn't the equivalent of a room prepped for Bikram Yoga weakened my steely resolve (I wish that I could pin it on trying to make sleep time more comfortable for Wifey, but when I went downstairs I didn't know she wasn't feeling well. It is that kind of not feeling well. I shan't elaborate). Whatever the reason, I got out of bed this morning not covered in a sheen of sweat for the first time in a few weeks, and it was everything that I could have possibly hoped for. And since the basement has the requisite "Livin' In The City" bars on them, last year we got one of those portable A/C units that you put the exhaust hoses into a window and therefore have some flexibility as to where you place your technological advance in human comfort. And it doubles as a dehumidifier, so not only was the sleep (or at least the laying in the bed, as the insomnia has just been documented) cooler, but it no longer felt like I was lying in a mist tent of pain and suffering (they had them at the Virgin Festival this year, at least that is what I heard. I am officially too old to go to weekend festivals when the temperature + humidity = Satan needs a Slurpee. It just isn't right. I would think that there is some international law against it. Maybe I should look into those Geneva Conference transcripts. I bet THOSE are a fun read.

I just got distracted by work, and this has been sitting here untouched for almost 2 hours. Gonna go now.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

It is so damn hot that even my DIGITAL clocks are melting. But it is only intensifying my fight with those bastard electric company bastards (redundancy in describing their bastardness is not overkill, tyvm). I am fighting turning on the A/C with ALL of my might. 5 fans running is still less than half the cost of running the air. And on the plus side, I am losing weight like crazy. Even if it IS all coming out of my forehead, you take what you can get at this point.
Make sure you check out the music video I told you about before. It has been up for a week, but like a putz, I completely forgot to post it. Well that is no longer the case. Like Jell=o, watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle!

Politics in Action

Whatever your political affiliation, THIS is funny. But in order to be fair (as required by the FCC Equal Opportunity in Bullshitting the Public Act) I must also say this...

And So I Will Dance For Thee

I have been remiss in posting this. My deepest apologies to all. Now, I have to get back to the fairyland...

Monday, August 06, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

I has the power to kill a yak from 300 yards away.



I ate what?

I decided to give ol' shorschitt a gander and see how she was doing. Apparently Friday morning was an oatmeal and iced tea morning (the thought of drinking iced tea first thing in the morning makes me feel a little queasy. Yet I will drink hot tea right off and have absolutely no issue with it. Is it me, or do you feel the same way? Or am I being a beverage snob/freak?). She said she would rather be having eggs and bacon (now THAT is a breakfast I could eat every day of my life. If only Wifey would leave me some bacon. You can ask Larry the Upstairs Neighbor about that, he'll back me. When we make breakfast - usually on the weekend - and we are making bacon, we have to make 2 pounds of it because between her propensity to pile it on her plate and her need to make kamikaze runs into the kitchen while we are cooking in order to grab a couple of strips while cackling like a madwoman and shrieking "Bacon!! ALL FOR ME!!!!!!!!", we can go through some cured pork around here). But then she listed some other foods she would rather be eating. And here is the list...

Cucumber Kimchee

Turkisk Pebers

Li Hing Mui





I know exactly three of the words on that list. And one of them my father used to use as a euphemism for "shit" (he liked to say that someone was in deep kimchee. For that reason alone I will never be able to eat kimchee. Word association culinary edition is a bitch). Also, I am pretty sure that the third to last word is one of those Himilayan words used to describe the Yeti. And if it isn't, it should be.

I am going to keep checking out shorty's blog. If nothing else, I am going to learn some bitchin' new words.


It puts the lotion on its skin...

How come I never had neighbors like this? (thanks to for the link)

Also, while my opinion may change when I am a father, all I can think is that Dad is being a real dick. Hell, if I was him, I would be outside playing baseball with my kids EVERY DAMN DAY OF MY LIFE!

Friday, August 03, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Well, would you?

And so my minions grow

Soon my readership will reach double digits, and then the world will HAVE to acknowledge my brilliance! It seems that someone was randomly clicking on the "next blog" tab when the Blogger Lotto spit my page out. Of course Shorty immediately recognized my witty, urbane view of life as required reading (I hope to one day replace The Catcher in the Rye for "that book that your cool English teacher gave you to read that your parents and the establishment don't want you to". Of course, that means I would need to be collected into book form. Hey HarperCollins, you out there?). So welcome Shorty to the fold, and let's see how she does with her explorations of self flagellation. I know mine have brought you to me, and really, what else could I ask for.

I have a list of other things to ask for if anyone wants to know.

Not that you aren't important to me. Not at all. I am just a greedy bastard.


Thursday, August 02, 2007

Today's Mood Is...


I have finally found my Sean Bean

I love Wifey. I would hope that this is known and completely understood. I know that Wifey loves me. Hell, at this point she would have to. However, she does like to rail on about how incredibly hot Sean Bean is (if you don't know who he is, look him up yourself. I have no desire to post beefcake pics of my wife's moist-inducing obsession). Now I do have subscriptions to Maxim and Stuff (and had one to FHM before it went teat's up. Pun intended), but the pictures of scantily clad women is really more of a pleasant bonus to the magazines themselves to me. If I was 14, maybe those pics would be enough, but as a 34 year old with access to the internet, suggestive just doesn't get a rise out of me (pun intended again). She has occasionally given me a little good natured grief over these magazines, but nothing much comes of it (no pun there you dirty minded little monkeys). Besides, while I have never dug deep into the recesses of Elle, or whatever that catalog sized magazine is that she gets every month, but I know that all of those women's magazines have those shirtless guys that is somehow supposed to sell feminine hygiene products and so forth. And I don't care.
But her obsession over Sean Bean (and the way she says his name every time she is given a cause to think of him or see him on TV) drives me crazy sometimes. Even my Angelina Jolie (before she got knocked up by Brad Pitt to make what will undoubtedly be the world's most perfectly beautiful baby that will probably wind up being the Anti-Christ because it is going to have immeasurable good looks and charm, and nothing that perfect can be anything but evil) obsession never reached 1/3 her obsession over Sean Bean. I had resigned myself to a life of being the guy she shares coitus with while she dreams of Sean Bean (I have to keep typing his full name, because if I just type "Bean, it brings to mind images of Rowan Atkinson, and I am fairly confident that no one in recorded history has ever had an erotic thought about Rowan Atkinson. At least I hope not) once she gets tired of my "O-Face", and I was okay with that. And it isn't like I was out there hunting for my own celebrity to crush on. But I came across (NO PUN! YOU SICK BASTARDS!) this pic and realized that I could stare at it for at least 3 weeks straight. So I am going to claim her for my own, like Wifey did with Beany (does that work? Are there any famous Beanys that would make you think of them in lieu of the Seanster? Let me know).
Mmmmmmm, Johannson........