Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Today's Mood Is...


Okay, it is Halloween. Time to dress up your kids in bizarre clothes and take them around the neighborhood for some organized begging for food. Good training, if the current economic indicators are going to continue their trends.

BTW - I am putting the over / under count for Wifey's "awwwwwww" when the little ankle biting bastards come up to take my hard earned money one Krackle at a time at 37. Any takers?

Of course, I participated in this post - modern FDR New Deal style handout charade when I was a kid (and well into my teenage years). And if and when Wifey and I have little tax write - offs of our own, they will too. So all of this leads me to take a long look at what the hell we as responsible adults are contributing to our nation's growing obesity in children epidemic, and to examine quality of the handouts and the two philosophies of Halloween candy giving.

First, the philosophy. Quality versus quantity.

The ultimate in quality is full sized candy bars. Now to the best of my recollection, I never got full sized candy bars on Halloween. I am pretty sure I would remember that. Apparently it is becoming in vogue to do this. Maybe if I had Rockefeller money I would consider it, but for now, no go.

Next in quality is the fun sized candy bars, but only if you are getting candy that you would buy for yourself if you were 8. The list (in no particular order) is...

Hershey bars (with or without almonds)
Reese's cups
Snickers / Milky Way / 3 Musketeers (any of the trinity)
Nestle Crunch
Kit Kat (has to be at least the two bar package)
M & M's

That's it. Don't try to tell me that there is anything else that deserves to be on that list, because you would be wrong. No other candy should even be considered. And before any of you mention Mounds / Almond Joy, I am invoking the Coconut Corollary. Too many people do not like coconut (myself included) for it to be on the list. They are like the black jelly beans (why do I get the feeling that Jesse Jackson is going to protest me for saying that?). People who love them LOVE them. People who don't DESPISE them. But I am willing to bet you that there is no one who kind of likes them. Black jelly beans and coconut candy are polarizing treats. There is no middle ground with them.

With these candies, two per bag is acceptable. Don't go all cheap - ass and give one. If you do, prepare for your house / car to be egged and / or toilet papered next Moving Night (or Mischief Night, or whatever you called it as a kid. One exception. If you are from Detroit, it is called "tonight". That applies to whenever you are reading this).

After that, you are looking at quantity time. Here is an example.

Last year Wifey and I did quality. Hershey bars and assorted compatriots all around. No Nestle in this house. Wifey is against them. Why, you ask? Look HERE. I was abandoned by Wifey (for reasons that still remain unclear) on Halloween last year, so I made it a point to give out at least 2 - 3 pieces per kid. That's just how I roll. It went well, and we were blessedly free of vandalism throughout the year. Now this year I had every intention of repeating this plan. However, the scavengers who shop at my store had raided the candy selection to the point that I was expecting to see a hausfrau fight over a bag of chocolate last night. I didn't, but I was prepared for it nonetheless. This caused me to go with Plan B...quantity. I picked up 3 (!) bags of Willy Wonka (I know they dropped the Willy from the name, but I never will. They are what they were when I was riding my bike to Jubs to get a package of Bottle Caps, and they always will be). The bags were filled with over 100 pieces each of Nerds and Laffy Taffy. Plus, I grabbed a bag that had Nerds, Laffy Taffy, Runts, and Bottle Caps just for the house. So we have 400+ pieces of candy. The only reason I got all of these? So that we could dole them out by the handful to the little bastiches who come a - knockin' at our door.

I will be the first to admit that while Nerds (and to a lesser degree Laffy Taffy) are good candies, they are not top tier treats. If we were to just give out a couple to each, well, I would be fearing for my tires for 366 days (stoopid freaking Leap Year). I ain't having that. I am counting on at least 4 - 5 pieces each. I am going to have to make that clear to Wifey. That being said, if we are running low, I am planning on rescuing the remaining Runts and Bottle Caps. They don't deserve those. Not that they are inherently better, but the personal nostalgia value trumps their momentary pleasure. Besides, they won't enjoy them on as many levels as I do.

Momentary side note: Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare? I surely hope not.

So, it is now almost 5:30 and I am waiting for the first round of beggars. These will be the 2 - 6 year olds that Mom is walking around in broad daylight in order to keep them off the streets when the older, more vicious kids come out. This will probably account for the majority of Wifey's "awwwwwww"s. It is just how it is. If I am lucky, she will get all worked up seeing them and I might get lucky tonight. Cross your fingers for me.

Momentary side note deux: This is the one night of the year that FURRIES can come out and celebrate with the common folks? Do you think that the FAO Schwartz has to put out extra security for their big window displays?

Okay, I need to wrap this up. I will talk at you all later.


I just reminded Wifey of the 4 - 5 rule. She said she was well aware of that. Good. One less thing to worry about.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

I have to word this one carefully. Bullseye Inc. is VERY sensitive to the possibility of not-approved information being leaked into public. Add to that the inherent sensitivity of the fact that I have to respect the rights of criminals and victims, and you get to the tap dancing that has begun my post. But I am going to soldier on, and if I get fired, I expect all of you to donate heavily and regularly to my cause (that cause being the needs to pay mortgage and buy groceries and all that crap).

SO... we have a couple of different programs that we use to enter information about incidents that happen at the store, be they external or internal, cut and dried or ongoing investigations, so forth and so on. We can do searches on these programs. Usually you enter the store number that you are searching for and then give it whatever other parameters you want in order to get what you are looking for. 9 times out of 10, you are searching for your own store, or another in your group or district. Well, if you remove ALL store number information you can pull info for all the stores. ALL of them. Of course, if you don't REALLY narrow down your other parameters, the computer will tell you that there are too many records to display if you put all stores. Well, the other day I was eating my lunch / dinner (whatever the hell you want to call that break), and I was just scanning not approved reports for the entire company on a day by day basis. I find that reading through those makes my own report filing better (seeing other's mistakes and not repeating them). Just like reading through other stores incidents over any period of time shows what trends might be happening in the district, something that might otherwise escape notice. But I digress...

I am scanning through these reports, and I see one that catches my eye. I open it up to read the narrative, and THAT is where it gets weird...

**I need to make it clear now that what was occurring in the store was not funny. But the report WAS funny. At least to me. Make your own judgement**

There was a man in a store that I can safely say is at least one good day's drive away from where I live / work. This man was walking around the store, specifically in the men's clothing area. And it seems that he was walking about exposing himself. This was seen by an off-duty police officer, who alerted store security and also assisted in detaining this man once the authorities were notified and had arrived. By all accounts, the situation was handled quickly and professionally. Maybe that is why the report made me almost spit coffee all over the screen while gut laughing.

I understand the need to use technical and / or medical terms when discussing this kind of incident or entering a report about it. I also know that not everyone has the gift / ability to have a lot of words at their disposal. I know that a lot of people rely on Spellcheck in order to catch any mistake that might otherwise slip through. Yes, I know all that. But still, there are things that can get past Spellcheck, things that are spelled correctly if not used correctly. And that is what happened in this report. For you see...

The man was walking around men's clothing exposing his gentiles.

Now, that is not a DIRECT quote, in that I did not print it out nor did I memorize it. But on a number of occasions, the phrase "exposing his gentiles" was used (now the picture makes a little bit of sense, right?).

Usually we just get a description with height, weight, etc. This was MUCH more precise and detailed.


Just a couple of things on my mind...

In no particular order...

  • I am always bothered when I have something like pizza for dinner, and the next morning my farts smell like a root cellar. I know there were no unwashed potatoes or carrots in my meal. Why are they in my farts?
  • Put your fucking collar down. You look stupid. Seriously, who the hell decided that popped collars needed to come back?
  • Also, if you spend time and money trying to make your hair looked mussed up like you just got out of bed, you are a moron. Again, I know I am old and out of touch. But if that means that I don't understand $50 haircuts that look look like rat's nests on purpose, than I am happy to be out of the loop.

That is all for now. I just needed to get those off of my chest


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

With a side order of...

The first pic is one of a kid from England (who it seems is a huge Harry Potter freak) who found a traffic cone and put it on his head. Then it got stuck. And they had to call the fire department to cut it off of him. The thing that I love about it is that the parents thought to snap a pic of the kid while waiting for him to be freed. And then sent it into the newspaper. HAH!
It is even more poignant to me because when I was about the same age as that kid, I got my head stuck in the railing at the new house we had just moved into. At the old house I could stick my head through the railing no problem, but here it was apparently a different story. I am not going to get into ALL the home remedies that my mother and the lady who lives in the house that abuts our back yard tried (but I will admit that butter was involved. Or to be more precise, margarine. Which I am pretty sure is one of the reasons I cannot stand the stuff now) before eventually calling the fire department at our locale, who used some crowbars or the jaws of life or whatever to get me free. 30 years later I can laugh about it, especially now that I don't see the aforementioned lady on a regular basis (to tell the God's honest truth, I love her to death, and she and her family have been true friends to our family for 30+ years. But that being said, her constant reminders of the day when I was 3 and got my head stuck in a railing, as well as when I was a kid and used to pronounce iced tea as "hiced tea", something I learned to correct through school and self imposed voice training, well, it could get a bit grating after a while).
Now on to the Borgnine. Asian Mustard Lady just stopped by (remember her?). Within 10 seconds I was longing for JabberJaws (because JJ I can block out pretty easily, or at least direct her inane, constant banter on someone else with a well placed statement / question. It is kind of like a game, like pass the potato, but with a blathering human as the root vegetable). First of all, she speaks in a very cloying tone. Second, she snaps her gum and chews with her mouth open. That is another one of those things that I got from my parents, but this one I don't mind nearly as much. If you are in a field chewing cud, go ahead and chew with your mouth open. If you are not, close your damn trap. It is up there with people scuffing their feet when they walk. DAMN that annoys me. But finally, every time she sees me she asks me if Wifey is pregnant. But she does it in that annoying, cutesy way that makes me want to kick her in the ovaries so SHE can't spawn any more future annoying little bastards. She asks how EVERYBODY in my family is doing (sometimes one at a time just to prolong my agony), then starts asking if I have any news. I answer that I do not. Then she asks at least 2 or 3 more times just to make sure I know what she is talking about (because she is so fraggin' subtle). By the 3rd variation on the theme, while she stands there leaning on my cubicle walls cracking her damn Satan gum and invading my personal space, it is ovary-kicking time. So far I have abstained from going American History X on her internal X's, but I cannot guarantee future deferment if this continues.
It is 1, and I need to go get another cup of coffee (slight insomnia last night). I might post again later. Might not.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

With a side order of...

...leading me to react thusly...

...which causes THIS reaction...

Yes yes yes. Back in Moleville, back with the Mother Cluckers who must prattle on and on about EVERY DAMN THING THAT FILLS THEIR TINY LITTLE MINDS!!!!!!

While being subjected to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack (specifically Eric Carmen and Patrick Swayze in an ad infinitum loop of nausea-inducing wonderfulness), one of the cluckers has felt the need to tell EVERYBODY who walks in that the new Tyler Perry movie did well this weekend. Of course, she has no information regarding the movie's weekend numbers, she just knows that it did well, and she needs to make sure that everybody else knows that too (I know how easy it would be to look up the numbers. I do not care and will not do it). She is also talking about how Mr. Perry and Janet Jackson were on some program (no idea what), and someone called in and referenced Janet's infamous Nipple Slip/Wardrobe Malfunction. And it seems that to the cluckers that was completely uncalled for. It is in the past, and it was rude to bring it up now. I also learned that if everybody hadn't started talking about it when it happened that it would never have become a big deal because who really saw it?

It was the freaking Super Bowl you moron. On an off year 50 million people in the United States ALONE watch it! Just because your dumb-ass doesn't watch football doesn't mean that the rest of the world doesn't!!! ARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about that.

BTW - Currently playing over on the Casey Kasem Long Distance Dedication Channel (which is where ALL of these songs ended up within 6 months of their release) - Crystal Gayle-Brown Eyes Blue

Death is beginning to look like a viable option.

So anyway, along with all of this, the discussion of Patrick Swayze during Eric Carmen (which was begat from "Is that Patrick Swayze?" "No, it's Eric Carmen. But don't you worry, Patrick Swayze is coming up soon. Don't you worry". I am fairly confident that NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF MAN has ever said "don't you worry, Patrick Swayze is coming up soon". Has their ever been anyone so panicked and in need of a Swayze fix that they had to be soothed and coddled by the thought of his singing voice coming soon, and this actually did calm the person down? Is their a medical term for this? Is it okay if my spine has started to eat my brain in a vainglorious but ultimately unsuccessful attempt to save me from this?), the topic of Patrick Swayze's brother came up. Yes, he has a brother. Yes, it seems that he performs. I have no idea if he has talent on a Michael Penn level or a Frank Stallone level. I DO think that there needs to be some kind of graph for famous sibling talent that has Frank Stallone on one end and Michael Penn on the other, with various reference points in between. Can someone design this for me please? Does anyone have any suggestions on who should be slotted in the middle and where? Or do you think that the top and bottom dogs need to be replaced. Let's talk it out people!!

I digresses a little there...

So, there was talk of the Brother Swayze. And some debate of whether or not he existed. I still don't know the final answer (again, not caring enough to look it up). And THIS is what led us to the MASSIVE discussion on Julia Robert's brother Eric. It seems he was in a movie. You know that one with the gangsters that had that woman in it...

...when it is my mother in law who is trying to describe someone or some movie that way, I will grin and bear it and endeavor to do my best to decipher what the hell she is talking about. That is one of the jobs of a son in law. But when it is an annoying coworker prattling on and on about every DAMN thing, I can only take but so much.

Just so you know, right now we are talking about that famous guy who went out with his girlfriend and was filming a nature special and it seems he got mauled by a bear REAL bad. And now we are wondering what bear is the meanest, be it grizzly, brown, black, or polar. I am pretty sure the answer is Dick Butkus. I am going to start crying now.

I promise you that one day I am coming in with a tape recorder and just taping ALL the inane bullshiat that gets said (and played) around here. I might need to use it as Defense Evidence 1 in my trial.

For the love of God, they aren't shutting up. NOW they are discussing how they don't understand how anyone can go mountain climbing. Well, I am about 15 minutes away from grabbing a pick axe and a rope and heading for the Appalachians myself. And maybe it is the rage over being subjected to this never-ending conversation that I am having to suppress talking, but the main clucker laughs like Barney Rubble. At a higher pitch, but still... Barney fraggin' Rubble. I can't take anymore, I am really about 5 minutes from snapping.

NP - Extreme-More Than Words. My cerebellum just exploded.

Wrapping up now so that I can get the holy hell out of here. I am going to try and update the Sports Blog tomorrow, some football and possibly a little baseball discussion.


Friday, October 12, 2007

Pa Pa Pants Man!!!!!

I cannot possibly do anything that could do this justice. I am now humbled by the sheer brilliance.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

I am hoping that all 3 pics show up on the post. Teh Blogger is acting teh wacky.
On a personal, whoring myself out for attention note, I have FINALLY updated Another Damn Sports Blog. I think that Things Found in My Spam is going to die, unless there is some massive groundswell for it's continued being and updating.
Auditions went well. I think that we found some quality, and a couple real diamonds in the rough. We will see what happens, but for now I am cautiously optimistic.
Complete tangent. Yesterday (or maybe it was Saturday) Larry the Upstairs Neighbor mentioned hearing "Cantaloop" by Us3 on the radio. This afternoon while driving back from running an errand on my lunch break, I heard the song on the radio. And I have to say...
Damn, what a great little slice of music. Why the hell didn't that band make it bigger than they did?
Okay, after burning a lot of time on the sports entry, and more over here, I really need to get to work. But at least you have the possibility of 3 whole pictures to look at!

I think the Boomtown Rats would have been a more appropriate selection

I appreciate a wide mixture of musical styles. However, Doral Dental has decided to change their hold music to something that would make Kenny G nauseous and sleepy. I am not doing well as I spend my 17th straight minute on hold because "Dennis" (not his real name) can't figure out that the difference in time between October and May is longer than 6 months.

But since I started typing that last sentence, "Dennis" came back and told me that October to May IS in fact longer than a 6 month interval, so the claim is being reprocessed. HUZZAH! And I was able to turn the music that I have streaming from teh interweb back up to an audible level. Thank GOD hat 100.7 is streaming online now. Current selection - Bon Jovi.

And also, whenever I hear "Livin' On A Prayer", when Richie Sambora (or whichever fool is doing this particular guitar part) starts up with the Peter Frampton-esque "whuu-WHAA-whuu" (the thing like when the Frampster did "Do You Feel" like his guitar was talking and 5,000,000 guys sitting in their respective basements stoned out of their friggin' minds SUDDENLY and SIMULTANEOUSLY became convinced that the guitar WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO THEM!!!!!!!!), I have to mouth (or lip synch, as it were) that guitar part. Don't ask me why, for I have no explanation. But I must. And I was. And now I feel better for having done it.


Friday, October 05, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

Who needs noob winks when you has the charisma?

Not me.


Okay, less than 24 hours until the big auditions, and the machine is barrelling along with no signs of slowing down. There are a bunch of things that I would love to tell you about right now, but alas, I cannot. Probably I won't be able to fill you in for quite a while. But when the time comes, you will know all the sordid details. And then you will know why I am ready to yell and pull out my hair. Or yours, if you get too close.
Still kinda sick, but feeling a little better. Mebbe I will be feeling better soon once my new health insurance kicks in.
You know, I work with insurance companies a lot (mayhap I have mentioned this before?). And still, the machinations that one must deal with to get the insurance correct is mind boggling. For instance...
Wifey gets laid off. Okay. We were both on her health insurance, I had waived mine at the hospital. So when Wifey gets the boot, they tell her that part of her severance package is that the insurance will cover her until the end of September (the 30th, the last time I checked). So on October 2nd, I go to the hospital's HR department to add Wifey and myself to the insurance there (the 30 days after major life change trumping the "you must wait until open enrollment, which by cosmic law is as far as humanly possible from the time of the major life event, no matter when said lefe event occurs). I take in the letter given in to Wifey saying "Your job here? Thanks but no thanks. Signed, the suxors!", which clearly states insurance through 9/30. Still, I get a call today saying that it was longer than 30 days, but they can still probably squeak us in. Umm, what? Also, they need a copy of the marriage certificate. Umm, what redux? Isn't the copy you got when you added her to my dental plan enough? Response...NO ASSHAT! NOW BRING IT TO ME!!!!!!
I might have paraphrased there.
Anyway, someone else in HR got ahold of the folder with the big sticky note saying "We is confuzed here", and looked at it. Now all is supposedly right with the world and Wifey and I are again prepared for the next major health concern. Which, according to my calculations, is in approximately 17 minutes.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

...see, what had happened is...

...with a side order of...

I am sick. I have auditions for the biggest personal undertaking save for getting married that I have ever even entertained the thought of taking on in two days. And my dog is apparently channeling Apache Chief and growing at an exponential rate (click on puppy pic for full massive-ity goodness). So basically...

" nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that I'm PERFECT!!!!!!!!"