Monday, June 30, 2008

Today's Mood Is...


Just to let you know I am not referring to myself in this case, but to a friend of mine. I will not mention the friend by name (just know that he is an original FOBSR - Friend Of Big Shirtless Ron - from way before there was a blog, all the way to before Al Gore had taken credit for inventing the Internet), nor will I mention in any detail what makes this friend bad ass. But I will say this. I like to think of myself as a pretty tough guy. I can handle myself. But once in a while I am reminded that I have not been really tested, at least not like some people. And I can only hope that if I am ever tested like that (and I hope I am not, because I don't know if I could do what he is doing) I can respond with HALF the positive thoughts and actions that he is displaying with casual aplomb.
Badass. HE has it. In spades.
BSR

An Open Letter To My Neighborhood...

For you!

I do not know why some of you do not like Wifey and me. I cannot think of a single thing that we have ever done to you for you to be offended by, and if there is something, you have never approached us so there is no way we could rectify the problem. Instead you call Animal Control for non-existent issues with a dog that is never mistreated and a yard that is never left in distress or as unkempt. You tell your children not to talk to us, even though all we have ever done is treat you and your children with respect.

We go about our lives and do nothing to bother you, and still you snipe at us and complain to the authorities from afar. Well I wish I could say I was sorry to tell you this, but it is about to backfire on you. You see, not all of our neighbors have a problem with us. Some of them realize that all we want to do is live in peace and fix up the house as much as possible as much as we can. We want to improve the community. That is why we picked that house, because we believe in the neighborhood. And still some of you attack us from behind your OZ-like curtain. Well others see us for who we are. And others happen to be old friends with the people in charge of the authorities that you have called on us over and over again for no reason. And when that person happens to see that other neighbor, and that neighbor asks why his people are always out there bothering us, and he says that his office gets complaints all the time, well, that neighbor who sees us for who we are tells their old friend that we aren't any kind of problem, but there are others who are. Let me tell you who they are.

Karma, it is a female dog. Just like that male one up there is going to be when he completes that particular maneuver. I hope you like the taste of your own nuts, because you are about to be fed a steady diet of yourself.

Pass the salt, bitches.

This is why I don't bring a gun to work


What is the over / under for the use of the word "midget" here in Moleville? Apparently it is 5,837. I am betting on the over.
I do not know why the Hens are clucking over this one, but the big one started saying over and over how she "can't do no midgets" (disturbing mental image aside, is there ANY WAY that could be rephrased?!?!?) That led to Big'un and the Jamaican and even the Coworker Formerly Known As The Lurker to start tossing the word around willy-nilly.
And some people wonder why I spend so much time here online. It is the only way that I can not poke out my eyes and eardrums.
I'm gonna start sharpening my letter opener just in case.
BSR

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Today's Mood Is...


This is what happens when they have 1 tapioca cup and 2 hungry seniors.
MORTAL RETIREMENT HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 23, 2008

In Mourning...Farewell to one of my heroes






George Carlin. 5/12/1937-6/22/2008.
I first heard Carlin when I was a freshman in high school. Up to that time I had been kept from the edgier stuff by my parents, and none of my friends had any exposure to it either. But all that changed when a newly made friend (who was a junior and a ride to school so I didn't have to ride the bus like the rest of the frosh) put his copy of "A Place For My Stuff" into his tape player in his Dodge Charger.
It isn't often that you are in a place when you realize that your life has changed. This was one of those times.
I had always been the class clown, and had been heavily influenced by Spike Jones and Bill Cosby as well as the classic radio comics like Jack Benny and the Marx Brothers, and Laurel and Hardy and Abbott and Costello. But I had never heard a comedian use real politics and social commentary, a comedian that made you think while you laugh. Not to mention he used those words that I used while playing football but not in the house. Carlin opened up a whole new world to me. A world inhabited by Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce, and later Bill Hicks and Sam Kinison.
I didn't always agree with his nihilistic outlook on life, nor his views on God and religion. But I respected his right to have his own opinion on those matters, and more to the point respected that he had informed, intelligent, rational arguments to support his points.
And damn was he funny.

A few more pics of George...





This last picture is from his collaboration with Jack Burns, first at radio station KXOL in Ft. Worth TX, then later in California. This picture was from the radio station's promotional packet from 1959.
In case you are wondering about Mr. Burns, he went on to be the head writer for the first season of The Muppet Show, as well as co-writer of The Muppet Movie. Also, he was involved in the ABC show Fridays (an attempt to recreate Saturday Night Live), and was in the infamous restaurant sketch with Andy Kaufman that was recreated in Man On The Moon.
So, in honor of the man, I am challenging all of you to use the following 7 words at some point in your day...
Shit
Piss
Fuck
Cunt
Cocksucker
Motherfucker
Tits
...if you need help, just recite some dialogue from Deadwood. It should pretty much cover you.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Today's Mood Is...



...and you will have to live with that for the rest of your days.

As will I.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Today's Mood Is...



$55 Million opening weekend. Decent to good reviews. All things still tracking for an Avengers movie.

Yeah!

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Today's Mood Is...

Yes, I know it isn't Halloween. But seriously, HOW AWESOME IS THIS?!?!?!!?

You're really gonna be scared. I'm not kidding you this time!

When Wifey's Attack

One of the things that attracted me to Wifey (or to be more precise, one of the things that attracted me to her after I took note of her obvious assets) was her inner strength. I learned early on how committed she was to friends and family, and how she stood tall in the face of adversity. Those are very appealing qualities.

Something that I did NOT know until it was way too late for my own safety, however, is how much outer strength she has. Many of you have heard about the horrific car accident she was in a few years ago, as well as her recovery. Many of you have also heard about how, a few months after leaving the rehab hospital and on one of her first real jaunts outside, we were walking uphill in Towson (along York Road passing the Ruby Tuesday's for those of you with the geographical / commercial real estate knowledge to picture that in your minds) as (unbeknownst to us) a man was riding downhill on the same side of the street as us. He was weaving in and out of the pedestrians and before we could react he was all but on top of us. I could not move in between Ghost Rider and Wifey before "The Collision".

Ghost Rider never stood a chance.

As Ghost Rider fell to the ground unconscious, Wifey responded as if someone had hit her shoulder with an underhand tossed M & M, looking around to find the culprit. It wasn't until the bike clanged onto the concrete that she noticed it. It wasn't until the people standing around that had witnessed the occurrence stood in mute silence staring at her that she squatted down to help up the man that had just been hit so hard that he forgot his mother's maiden name. It wasn't until he came to and realized that he had not in fact run into a brick wall but instead a slightly taller than usual, medium build black woman who was now trying to help him up that he suddenly became indignant, loudly saying "Get the hell off of me!" while jumping to his feet and then staggering off, leaning to his left and moving toward Burke Street at about a 15 degree angle.

Basically, what I am saying is Wifey is strong.

When she is asleep and she hits / kicks / pummels me, I let it slide. But when we are both awake and I am sick and she whacks me and then calls me a wuss for complaining that it hurts, telling me I am "exaggerating", well, I have to speak up. And beg you to help me. I don't know how, but please, if nothing else buy me some band-aids for to cover my wounds. Pray for me. And in order to benefit yourself, buy stock in Ace Bandages now while it is still relatively cheap. It's not going to stay that way.

BSR (bruised shirtless ron)

Monday, June 09, 2008

Today's Mood Is...






FIRST WEEK OF JUNE?!?!?!?!? WTF MOTHER NATURE?!?!?

Here they come!!!!

Yes, we are in fact in the middle of a mini heatwave here in Maryland. Mid to upper 90's, with humidity, crappy air quality, overall sucktitude of weather. It is supposed to break by tomorrow afternoon / evening, when a cold front brings BIG ASS THUNDERSTORMS (yes, that IS the meteorological term) and temps in the mid to lower 80's without the humidity. The weekend is supposed to be just LOVELY.

However, with the upturn in temperature there comes another annoyance. You saw them a few months ago, probably last in late February or early March (I honestly don't recall when the change was here). They are everywhere. Odds are you have at least one of them at work, and if you go out into public, say to the grocery store or to the gas station, you will see them in clusters. They have been waiting impatiently for the chance to attack you with their idiocy, and there really is no defense (especially if you are dealing with the one from work, or even worse, the family member) unless you want to utterly offend them.

It is the return of the "Hot enough for you?" asshat.

It has been building in their brains since the last time they could justify asking someone (whether they knew them or not) if it was cold enough for that particular person, and finally they can have their sweet release. It must be painful for someone who only has two ways to open a conversation, and is utterly screwed from March to June / July, and again from September through November or December, to have to hold it in like that. I guess that this mini heatwave will alleviate some people and allow them to use those walnut - sized brains for other things, like figuring out who the Mole is, or trying to find a way to figure out if the refrigerator light goes out when they close the door.


Here in Moleville we do in fact have one of those people. Of course, she is the one who needs to belabor the obvious on just about EVERY topic of conversation or occurance that (in her mind) requires commentary. She is one of the most fervent followers of the "I know THAT'S right" school of conversation, and you know that as soon as she walked in the door it began with a loud "Whoo-WHEE it is HOT OUT-SIDE TO-DAY!!!!!", amazingly following it with "I know THAT'S RIGHT!". Yes, she knows that she was in fact correct and that her last statement was accurate. I am very happy for her and her building up her self confidence and self assurance.

I cannot wait until I have to go get lunch. The conversations are going to be STUNNING.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Today's Mood Is...


I feel the need. The need............
................FOR SPEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

I needed this

My name is BSR.......

......I like to daaaaaaaaaaance