Friday, February 27, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

So I was lying in bed last night when Wifey came down the stairs (she is on a 25.7 hour clock so right now she is going to bed around 1-3 AM and getting up around 9-10AM, or whenever the animals tell her it is now time for food / potty emergency).  Apparently Buttercup  left her bone in a place that caused Wifey to have an issue, so when she came downstairs she went to tell Buttercup that she needs to be more careful in the future.

**Side Note**
We are both well aware that when talking to an animal, 99.999% of what they hear sounds like an adult in Peanuts, but we (like pretty much everyone else in the world) will still talk to them as if they DO in fact understand us, if for no other reason than because they at least LOOK like they are listening to you, when in fact all they are doing is HEARING you.

Anyway, Wifey tells Buttercup (who was laying on the bed with me at the time) that where Buttercup left the bone has caused her much consternation.  Before Wifey can complete her thought, however, I blurted out "Maybe you should get some Ex-Lax or Pepto Bismol!"

I'm kind of an idiot that way.

This brilliant piece of comedy gold tickled me to no end, and caused me to start laughing uncontrollably (in my defense I was very tired and kind of punch drunk / loopy).  Wifey glomped me for a minute, then went back upstairs (after warning me that if I pull that kind of stunt with the kids she will kill me.

I know Wifey has been trying to kill me for years(she keeps denying it, but we all know the truth).  My fear is that she will bring up moments like this under the "justifiable homicide" defense.  And that she will win.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

with a side of...

In what I hope will be a new, regular weekly post here, I welcome you to the first installment of 

"It's a Child, not a Triple Word Score in Scrabble"

Here I will post names that I have found while in the process of my daily work routine.  These are all actual names of actual patients with actual parents that apparently see the alphabet as their own version of 52 card pickup.  They are in no order other than the order that I noticed them and decided they needed to be made part of the public record.  No last names will be given, as that would violate all kinds of laws and regulations.  If the name seems to be based in a factual ethnic background as opposed to someone not knowing / caring how to spell "Nicole" (just wait for it) then I will probably not use it (and how do I make that designation?  I look at the last name.  If the last name is a singular name and the first name is a singular name, odds are it is a translation of the old country spelling and approximation is therefore necessary.  If your last name is "Jones" you don't need to go adding consonants all willy-nilly.  I do not care if the consonant is sometimes silent.  I can no longer be).  So without further ado...

Week 1 (Feb 19-25)

  • Dennise
  • Keyera
  • Daishacheae
  • Mynyawn
  • Knycol

Observations from a Cubicle

I have a cold.  Hell, 2/3 of the population probably has one right now.  White Trash Gwyneth Paltrow has been coughing a lot, making a sound I can only equate to something I have never heard but know I would know if I heard, and that is of a seal in heat.  But I am one of the unfortunate majority and expect sympathy commensurate with my illness.

Wifey is sick, too.  In fact, she is the one that gave it to me.  But that is part of being married.  You have to say "in sickness and in health" right there in front of everybody.  I just don't like it when it is so literal.

**side note** Right now, every time I exhale, my left nostril is making a sound like a very small high speed drill, almost the same sound as a dentist's drill.  I am finding this highly amusing.

So anyway, I have been sneezing off and on all day.  So have a lot of other people.  Most people get a bless you most of the time (probably about 75-85% of the time if you sneeze someone will say "bless you", even the atheists, which amuses me).  There have been a couple of times that no one has said it when I have sneezed.  No big deal.

But when Brother Chinn #1 (the one I met first, and the one who sits in Cubicle Row with the common folks) sneezes, the entire office almost falls over themselves to say "bless you" to him.  And yes I have been as guilty of this as everyone else, without even realizing I was doing it until I sneezed about 3 minutes after he did and no one said it to me, then he sneezed again and EVERYONE (including me) said it again.

Today's Special 2 for 1 BONUS MOOD (w/dancing goodness!)



Monday, February 23, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

One of the outcomes of the big meetings from last week was a renewed focus on phone answering, both the time it takes to get someone to answer and how one answers said call.  Many here had gotten into the habit of answering the phone with "Billing Office".  That's it.  Just "Billing Office".  No greeting, no name, no nothing.  Well that is no longer acceptable.  Now you have to say "Good Morning (or afternoon if it is past 12) this is the Business Office, ___________ speaking.  How may I help you?".  Which should have been par for the course and a given, as far as I am concerned. 

As far as the picking up the phone with more expediency, well they prefer the phone never rings more than once.  That is an impossibility, and they understand that.  It is a goal, but it isn't a disciplinary action if the phone rings twice.  If it rings 4 or 5 times and EVERYONE in the bullpen is not already on the phone heads will roll.  So this morning, when the phone rang, I answered it.

"Good morning this is the Business Office, BSR (names have been changed to protect the "innocent") speaking.  How may I help you"

"You have the wrong number"

Before I continue the transcription, I need to make sure you understand that was the first thing out of the mouth of the person on the other end of the phone call.  The one that they dialed into my office.  I ANSWERED the phone.  I did not make an outgoing call, I responded to THEIR outgoing call, which became an inbound call when my phone rang. 

"Excuse me?"

"You have the wrong number"

"You called me, how could I have the wrong number?"

"You called me"

"No ma'am, you called into my office.  Do you have a question regarding a bill that I can help you with?"

...and so forth.  This went on for a minute or two, then I got tired of talking to this MENSA candidate and told her to have a nice day.  And then I hung up on her.

The thing that gets me is the "we have the wrong number" part.  The only way I can figure it out is that she has the ability to see that the number we have (and we have a bunch of numbers, since we have multiple employees with their own direct line as well as two "main" phone lines AND an 800 number) was meant to be for someone else, or maybe the number was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or some such thing.  That being the case, I am going to stop answering it, because I do not want the Poltergeist "get out" crowd fuxing with my mojo.

Goonie Goo Goo.


BONUS MOOD!!!!!!!!!

We had a special meeting here, just to remind everyone that it is an office and not 11th grade homeroom.  Why?  Because all the Hens v2.0 have been pecking at each other behind each others backs.  And sometimes in each other's fronts, too.  Really, it is just another sad sack kind of office BS pity party.  

And THIS is why I need to get a job with guys, doing guy stuff.  So I can get the hell out of this racket.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

"I can't do my wooooooork!"

SO the Axis of Evil that is my former employer (UMMS) is at it again.

When I worked for them, they had so many cooks stirring the soup that it became a cacophony of wooden spoons banging into each other and nothing could get done.  When one of those "vital cogs" moves on, the rest stare at each other, and instead of assessing their team's strengths and weaknesses and looking on how to make it work and work better, they just send all the work to a 3rd party company that had never even handled what I do.  Their plan basically consisted of saying "Not it!" before everyone else did.  Luckily for me and Wifey, the new company needed someone who could do what I do and didn't feel like going on a big job search when they had me right at their fingertips.

Over the last 5-6 months I feel like I have proven myself to the new company, and they have shown me that they see what I do and they respect my ability to do my job.

And then UMMS swoops in and screws it all up.

Don't worry, I am not being fired / laid off / otherwise reduced in any capacity.  This involves the inability of the UMMS IT Department to make it so that I can do my job.

I have to access the system through a remote server and a network connection.  So why for the last 3 days have I been randomly kicked out and the software I use gotten so discombobulated that I have to restart my computer 10-12 times in an 8 hour workday?  

Because they are to busy playing "Not it!" to do anything about the problem.

I want to re-institute the 3 martini lunch.  If I am going to be stuck sitting in an office, incapable of doing anything, I should at least be able to be drunk.  Seems fair to me.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

Sometimes I am just a spectator...

I have mentioned before that I try to brown bag it (or at least freezer it) as much as I possibly can handle it so as to save a few bucks.  It just makes sense, especially in today's economy.  Well Doo Wop wanted a fish sub, and (newly promoted to supervisor!) Gaza Strip Club (heretofore known as MS. Gaza Strip Club) wanted to get the hell out of the office for a while (which is eminently understandable).  Okoye decided she wanted to go for a ride, too.  And boy, am I glad that I stayed behind...

It seems that Doo Wop was driving.  Since none of you have ever been in the car with her while she was driving, I will tell you what it is like when she is behind the wheel.


Or something like that.

Anyway, Ms. Club told me that someone cut Doo Wop off while they were driving back from whatever place they went to.  To which Doo Wop responded by yelling...

...well, it isn't exactly PC, folks.  so if you get offended easily do not read the next sentence.

She called the guy a "black African bush boogie".

I don't know if you think it is more acceptable since Doo Wop is black, but for the sake of argument and in order to keep this from getting to be a black / white thing I figured I should mention that.

It seems Okoye was on the phone, speaking in whatever language she grew up with (Ms. Club called it Urdu.  Take from that what you will).  The person on the phone obviously understands SOME English, because there was an almost immediate, heated conversation happening on the phone in a couple of different languages.

Doo Wop didn't even realize she said anything until Ms. Club and I told her what happened.

It reminded me of a story from a few months ago.  Wifey and I met my parents for something and we wound up having lunch together at a local diner.  nothing wildly exciting.  I was sitting directly across from my father, Wifey was directly across from my mother.  I was having a conversation with my father while Mom and Wifey talked about whatever it was they were discussing.  

Then it happened.

At the risk of going into details that are not for the faint of heart, I heard my mother try to tell Wifey about a new cake recipe she had.  It was a 12 cup Bundt Cake recipe.

Now take the first letter of the word "cup" and use it to replace the first letter of the word "Bundt".

I'll wait...

Yup, my mother said she made a cake out of 12 of a word that you really never expect your mother to say.  

And she hoped in vain that I hadn't heard her.  But my immediate stopping in mid word of a conversation with my father to look at her told her that I had in fact caught it.

I think she might still be banned from all the Double-T's in the greater metropolitan area.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

I learned a long time ago that I can only be myself and let the chips fall where they may, in regards to making friends and influencing people.  Do I care what other people think?  To a degree I think everyone does.  I care more what people I consider friends think of me than I do some random person on the street or some person I am forced to interact with because of work.

Like Okoye, for instance...

I had some lasagna for lunch.  I have some frozen meals I keep in the office in order to try to not spend a butt-load of money all the time going out for lunch.  I might go out once, sometimes twice a week, if for no other reason than I need to get out of the office and away from the stupidity for a while.  I usually travel with Gaza Strip Club and Doo Wop, and the three of us vent and generally act a fool up in here until we get back to the office.  But for the most part I try to keep it simple and relatively inexpensive.

Now at this point I should tell you that the lasagna was labeled as "cheesy garlic lasagna with meat sauce".  I like garlic, and I like cheesy lasagna, so it is a no brainer for me.  I have it a couple of times per month, at least every other week, sometimes 2 or 3 weeks in a row (but not on consecutive days, lest I get completely burnt out).

So Okoye walked past and commented that it smelled rather garlicky in the office.  My emptied lasagna tray is in the trash can next to me, and I would not be at all surprised if I am wafting a bit of garlic-ness in the air.  I said that it was probably me that she smelled.  Before I could explain further why that was she gave me a funny look and rolled her eyes at me.  So I said the next thing that popped into my mind...

That my farts smell like garlic.  EXACTLY LIKE GARLIC.  

And to top it off I also said that my belches smelled of strawberry cream cheese.  Because I felt like taking it up another notch.

She got disgusted and turned away.  Doo Wop and Gaza laughed.  And I continued to not give a flying fark about it either way.

Must be a Monday.  Also a banker's holiday.  That's the only way I can figure it out.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

A lady has 6 kids.  She decides she wants more.  

Why?  Beats the hell out of me.  

She gets in vitro fertilization (she is single and apparently none of her friends qualify as worthy donors for the old fashioned method.

She has a Farmer in the Dell level of eggs put in her conveyor belt / uterus.  Winds up with 8 bundles of joy.  So that brings the grand total to 14 (just in case you don't feel like doing the math).

It gets better...

She is currently a student, and does not work.  She has no health insurance.  The octuplets are in NICU since even her center ring tent sized incubator bits are not designed to hold an NCAA Division 1 basketball starting lineup with regular bench rotation reserves - sized litter of kids.  A state that has already issued IOU's in lieu of state tax refunds is footing the bill.

Oh, we're not done yet...

The mother (who in public interviews has stated that she has no intentions of seeking help or assistance from the state - even though we already knew they would be footing the bill for them to be nursed from their premature birth until they are ready to go home) is already on food stamps for her phalanx of offspring.

Now it comes out that 3 of the original 6 little ankle biters are special needs patients.

The Aristocrats!

Monday, February 09, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

So I had some claims bounce back to me because they were undeliverable at the address listed.  It is an insurance that my office does not participate with, so they could have changed the mailing address without our being made aware of it.  

I called the number that we have listed for the insurance.  A nice enough sounding lady answered.  I said to her "I am calling from a provider's office.  We are non-par (non-participating) and I need to verify your mailing address, as we have had some claims returned to us as being not deliverable".

She responded with "We're an HMO".

As an abject exercise, read my statement in your normal voice, then read her response in the voice of Ralph Wiggum.

It is definitely Monday.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

This must be Thursday.  I never could get the hang of Thursdays...

Monday, February 02, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

Its easy to get down on yourself and focus on the negatives as they swirl around you in a vortex of suck.

But I rock too hard to be there for long.