Monday, March 30, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

Without getting into the litany of things that are wrong with me (and I am just referring to the physical ailments.  If we were to go for the mental / psychological this would quickly go dissertation-length), I have had to sleep on the couch for the last week and a half in order to alleviate a pain in my leg.  This pain in my leg has kept me from elevating my legs and feet like I am supposed to do.  This caused my feet and legs to swell up overnight.  THAT caused my compression stockings, socks, and shoes to almost not fir on my feet / legs.  THAT also made it difficult to tie my shoes.  And now my feet are throbbing at the restraints that have been placed on them.

I have to work at Bullseye tonight.  Asshat McGee (someone I have to work with for about another month) will be there after I have had a glorious week of having not seen him since last Monday.  I also have to deal with him on Tuesday and Thursday (I am off Wednesday, he is off Fri and Sat).  Him being there means I will have to do a lot more moving / walking around because I cannot stand to be in the same room as him.  This is going to make my feet and legs hurt even more...

It is going to be a long week.

Okay, I am done whining for now.  But I cannot guarantee I won't start again at some point.

Promo pics for Drop 3. What do YOU think?

These are 5 of the approximately 30 promo pics I received because a director of a show in the theatre where we perform decided to usurp our properly reserved right to the main stage so he could have a photo session for his show.  He didn't even call or email me, he just decided that he was taking the space and got there before we were scheduled to be there and set up all his stuff.  I am guessing he heard me calling him all sorts of names that I usually reserve for rude McDonalds' customers and came into the "rehearsal room" (which is really the storage area with some unused space) and offered my troupe some shots.  I like all 5 of these (and there are others I like, too.  But Blogger only allows 5 pics per post).  What do you all think?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

I know that this blog is read by people with different viewpoints on a lot of things, and I am not looking to begin some sort of huge debate / rager over any hot button issue here, but sometimes things happen in an office setting and it requires me to share it with you...

I do not know how the Geriatric Gossip Girls got on the topic, all I know is that out of nowhere I heard one of them exclaim "You know they have their own network on the Direct TV now".

You better believe I started listening.

Well it seems that the "they" are "the gays" and "the network" is LOGO (I didn't have the heart to tell them it is on Comcast, too).  After they all clucked in agreement about the fact that the Direct TV (and you must stress both syllables of "TEE-VEE" to get the full effect), one of them then said that you have to be careful because "they" are all over the place and sometimes you can't tell who they are.  One of them won't use public bathrooms anymore because she is afraid that one of them will be in there (I can say with a strong degree of certainty that she has nothing to worry about, because I am sure that she is as attractive to "them" as she is to "us", and that ain't saying much).  

After agreeing to THAT assessment, they moved on to complaining about other sections of the populace with loose morals.  My fervent hope is that before the day is over, we get to the complaints about the Jews and "Ay-rabs" (the shop keepers, not the fruit sellers that are a local tradition).  30 minutes to go, so keep your fingers crossed for me!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Alligator mouth meets hummingbird ass

***********There is foul language in this post. If you cannot stand curse words, don't read this. You have been warned*************

It goes back to a saying my father used to use on a fairly regular basis.  "Don't let your alligator mouth overrule your hummingbird ass".  Basically, if you are going to talk, be prepared to back it up.

I went to McDonalds for lunch today.  I have been eating leftovers or frozen meals all week and wanted something different, and also I wanted to get out of the office for 10 minutes.  So I went around the corner to get myself a burger (no matter where you are, there is a McDonalds around the corner.  It is immutable law).

Most McDonalds go by the common feeder line concept.  There is usually more than one register open, but you stand in one line and then next man up.  Well, it seems if you are a Medix student then the rules of decorum no longer apply.

Although I eat at my desk, I (as a rule) go into the place to put in my to-go order.  It started when gas was $3-4 / gallon, and now it is habit.  Plus it is usually quicker, and if they see your face there is less chance of the order being wrong.  Don't ask me why this is, but it is.  So I am inside, in line.  3 of the "students" (basically white trash in scrubs.  And I am pretty confident in saying that no one finds bleached blond hair attractive if it has been 4 months since you last touched it up and you now have a two tone hued head.  A small amount of roots every so often is to be expected, you can't do that to your head every other day and not expect it to die and fall out.  But if your roots are now equidistant to your bleached hair, choose one or the other and go with it.  PLEASE) decided that they were not going to wait in line.  

In the interest of clarity, I should point out that I was NOT right behind the next person in line.  I was giving enough space for people to walk through, so I was slightly back and to the left.  But the first of the triumvirate of Jerry Springer guests in waiting ASKED ME IF I WAS IN LINE AND I SAID YES!!!  And STILL she got right in front of me.  

I didn't say "yup" or "uh-huh" or anything that could have been remotely construed as sounding like a negative reply.  I said "Yes ma'am I am" ('koz I was raised that way, ya see).  And she (and her sister Darryl and her other sister Darryl) stepped right in front of me.  

I shook my head and decided that it wasn't worth the fight to bring to their attention the fact that they were asshats.  Unfortunately for them, they were going to press the issue.

About 45 seconds after I decided they were not worth the breath it would take to make them understand that they were idiots, 2 more of them came strolling in and joined them in cutting in the line.  So now there are 5 jackholes in between me and my food.  4 "ladies" and 1 dude with a scab on his forehead (just what you want to see when you are at the doctor.  An assistant with scabies).  And still, I chose to opt for the better part of valor and said nothing.

It wasn't until they received their food and had to navigate past me to get to the tables that they went too far.  You see, I decided to move forward into the line to make sure anyone else who came in knew of my intentions to purchase food.  My doing so blocked the pathway to the seating area (if only I was standing back a few paces in order to facilitate traffic flow...).  So the 2nd or 3rd one (it is hard to keep track.  It reminded me of a Rock of Love  Contestant reject special) asked me to move out of her way.  And by "ask" I mean she said "Excuse me" in a tone usually used by Molly Ringwald in a John Hughes movie.  And as I moved out of her way she muttered "under her breath" (and by that I mean loud enough for all of her friends to hear) "Fucking lard ass".

And THAT is where my mouth overtook my attempt to keep things civil.  Because before I could stop myself I said "No problem you mouth breathing, cousin humping cunt", also loud enough for her friends to hear.

THAT changed the tenor of the establishment a bit.

Before you know it, she turns back to look at me and moves her jaw, but without sound coming out.  Methinks I stumped her.  I have no doubt that in a few hours she will come up with a SCATHING retort, and will frequent that particular McDonalds regularly in order to give me what for.

Anyway, her friends valiantly rallied around her, and the "male" came up to me in order to defend the honor of his lady friend.  He came very close to me, his chest bumping up against my upper stomach (he was a bit shorter than me, and quite a bit thinner, just to paint the picture a little more clearly).  I saw that he had balled both his hands into fist-like shapes, and he seethed as he said to me "What's wrong fat ass? Can't get to your 25 Quarter Pounders?  How did you get so fat?" (I wish I was making this up.  I really do).  

And after taking a brief moment to compose myself (I was fascinated by the scab on his forehead, watching it throb as he talked, as if it was the only thing that was holding back all of his anger and vitriol from being unleashed on me like a torrent of pain.  It was hypnotic, really), I looked down to him and said "Luckily for you being an ignorant twat burns a lot of calories, eh?"

(I'm kinda proud of that one, really).

So now he is standing there, slightly deflated and realizing that not only am I not intimidated by him, I am fairly confident that I can give him matching scabs on almost any body part he wants.  I can only imagine what the staff was thinking, and the other customers (on the off chance anyone who was there reads this, and I highly doubt it but better safe than sorry, I am very sorry that you had to hear that language from me.  You just wanted a meal that had quality consistent with value) were no doubt a bit non plussed.  But he decided that I was one mountain that he did not want to climb, and went back to the table muttering to himself.  No doubt he also came up with some witty bon mots after the fact, and the 5 of them shared a good and hearty laugh at my expense once I was safely away from their stinging witticisms.  So I wish them well in their future endeavors in the outside world, and I hope they enjoyed their meal.  I know mine tasted better than it had a right to.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

If it is Wednesday (and it is!), then it must be time for...

Peter Marshall: So Paul, what do you think are the most popular names people are giving their children these days?
Paul Lynde: Apparently whatever they are shouting out during the conception.

Yes indeed-y folks and folk-ettes, it is time for another round of what is sure to become the internet's most inane look at the brain functions of modern Mid-Atlantic based parents...

It's a Child, not a Triple Word Score in Scrabble!!

Today we are going to play the special, not home version known as...
Screw it!  Put An Apostrophe In There And Call It A Day!

...where we will look a a WHOLE bunch of names that have extra punctuation.  Why?  Because their parents are jackholes who don't believe in Spellcheck!

As always, these are real names from actual patients seen in my office...

  • A'jah (bless you)
  • A'kera (the g'host in the s'hell?)
  • Assante' (so he is a possessive of himself?)
  • Cam'ron (at least it is actually replacing a whole syllable here.  Brevity IS the soul of wit)
  • Bray'onna (what a donkey does?)
  • Dan'te (why?  what does it accomplish?)
  • Da'Nyra (I have nothing for this one)
  • Da'Sean (as opposed the the OTHER Sean)
  • D'Asia (I wonder if the next kid will be "D'Antarctica")
  • Da'zon (there should be an "e" on the end of this name, because that is what the parents were in when they named this one!)
  • D'Chey (I bet you didn't know that ' = the letter "e".  No wonder other countries find English so confusing!)
  • D'ajia (and you can substitute "j" for "s" so you can have two kids with the same name, but different!)
  • Dej'sha (it's a homophone phreakout!)
  • De'montray (remove the apostrophe and you have a serving conveyance for the underworld)
  • Deont'e (I said DO...I...STUTTER?!?!?)
  • Des'Mon (best read in a Jamaican accent)
  • D'zire (3 guesses where SHE is going to end up working!)
  • Fara'jah (sounds like a title for a Middle Eastern royal family member)
  • G'Niya (........)
  • I're (either angry, or another Rastafarian wonder)
  • Ja'kai (the younger sibling to Cobra Kai)
  • Je'Bria (runny cheese?)
  • J'von ( ' is also a useful substitute for "a")
  • Kai'vron (I guess if you are making up names as you go, you can put an apostrophe any damn place you choose to)
  • Kash'e (great cereal, crappy patient)
  • La'chawn (I picture this as a label on an imitation soy sauce)
  • Le'chawn (no relation, believe it or not)
  • Ma'Niya (not yours!)
  • Sad'e (not the singer, the morose vowel)
  • Shi'kyme (I don't even know HOW to pronounce this one)
  • Te'Shawn (when "De" is not good enough for YOUR child, use "Te"!)
  • Tre'nia (I think she fought with Neo)
  • Ty'quis (lolwut?)
  • Ze'Vion (Awooooooo! Werewolves of London!)

And of course...

  • Carl's Jr (that is NOT a typo.  I pulled the chart and checked the cards.  THAT is the kid's name.  I just hope that there is another child, probably born somewhere in the Ozarks to a person who has heard of a magical place that even had a movie based on just GOING there, but has never been out of the mountains, and that child is named White Castle)

So there you have it, folks.  Let the comments BEGIN!

Let me, is too much. Let me sum up...

Just a quick note to the lady who answered the phone at the bank that my company uses for the lockbox for deposits to the dental account.

  1. If I am calling you to check on the status of the deposit, I do not have it.
  2. If I do not have it, then I have not seen the FedEx person who is making that particular delivery.
  3. If you have to call downtown to get the tracking number for the FedEx package, then I would have no access to that tracking number since the only contact number I have for your bank is the lockbox customer service department, which is you.
  4. If I had the tracking number, I would not need to call you regarding the status of the deposit.
  5. Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

And they wonder why I drink.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

with a bonus round of...

And why is this my mood?  Because it is time for another round of America's Favorite Blog Based Game Show...

It's a Child!  Not a Triple Word Score in Scrabble!!!!!

Where we will once again pull back the curtain of inanity and shine the flashlight of common sense at the cockroaches of grammar, and watch as they scurry back to the fetid depths of malaise and apathy that strike fear in the hearts of those who believe that language ACTUALLY HAS RULES!!!!!

So, without further ado...

  • Apuquaye (isn't this the lounge Isaac works on the Love Boat?)
  • Cadence (you must say her name the same way EVERY TIME)
  • Dajour (he's the Child of the Day!)
  • Duewajini (hey, Major Nelson did!)
  • Janicua (a vampire that only attacks in winter, maybe?)
  • Kemp (future Young Republican)
  • Neekorley (I don't know what to think of this one, to be perfectly honest)
  • Ngozika (Oh no!  There goes Tokyo!  Go Go Ngozika!)
  • Rodolfo (either he is royalty, or someone stuttered while expressing their response to something funny they saw in a chat room.  Maybe both)

And of course (and an early candidate for the MOST POWERFUL NAME IN THE WORLD...

  • SheRa

And so we reach the end of another installment.  Please join us again next Wednesday (this one is on a Thursday because I was out of the office all day on business and could not access my LOA - List Of Awesome) as we dig deeper and deeper into the dark corners of the human psyche, where naming children is less about honoring your ancestors and more about trying to make sure their name will set off every spell checker ever designed.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

Goin' to see Tim Meadows do some stand up tonight.  And my boy The Talking Mule (one of my students) is opening for him.

And yet I am not getting comped.  WTF Mule Boy?!?!?

It Is Time For Another Round Of...

It's a Child, NOT a Triple Word Score in Scrabble!!!!!

Where we will once again open the vaults and pull back the curtains of children who have parents who like to use the occasion of bringing new life into the world as an excuse for completely making shit up as they go!

Before I continue with this week's list, I forgot to include a few last week that really should have been on that list.  I got "Amyracle", but I forgot "Miracle".  We have 4 of them.  Also there is the child who was deemed worthy of being named "Unique".  I can only hope that the last name is "New York".  Finally, two that might just mean that we have reached the End of Days.  I am speaking of Jihad and Messiah.  No, they are not related.  At least not by blood.  But possibly by destiny.  Or maybe Destiny.

Speaking of Destiny...
  • Destinae
  • Destinee (8 of them)
  • Destiney(2)
  • Destini (I prefer to call this one The Great Destini and imagine that they are a magician from back in the days of vaudeville)
  • Destinie (4)
  • Destiny (56.  Yup, 56 of them.  So not only do we all have a destiny, if we want we could all have a Destiny.  I have enough to go around).

The great thing is, this isn't even the list that I had planned out for you.  This is just an addition to last week that was skipped over.  So without further ado...

  • Kylah
  • Niyah
  • Christvain (another big expectation name.  I like to think that this one will be a wine maker, because Christvain Winery sounds AWESOME)
  • Brachae
  • G'waun
  • Saquarius
  • Theheerah
  • Daayan (maybe he is a Lieutenant?)

And of course...
  • Moustapha (the Lyin' King?)

And now let's play a game.  If you come up with a theme for one of these posts, I will try to find the names that fit in that theme.

Good luck!

Friday, March 06, 2009

Today's Mood Is...


Special Double Sized Extra Bonus Mood!!!

this bonus mood brought to you be the Keene Act.  Enjoy the movie.  I will go see it in a few weeks when the schmucks painted blue and wearing trenchcoats are not as prevalent.

Public Awareness is on the Rise

An old friend of mine named Nick sent this to me years ago.  How many years ago?  For those who have known me for a while it was when Yahoo was my only email account.

Old, ain't it?

There are many differences here in Purgatory as compared to Moleville.  But there are also many similarities.  One of the similarities is the use of certain expressions tossed about seemingly casually into everyday conversation.  And the frequency that these expressions are used is also somewhat alarming.  Take for instance...

I am pleased to announce that the general knowledge of the public at large appears to be on the rise.  Although, this conclusion has not been arrived at through a true scientific test, certain scientific SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures) have been employed.  In theorizing that public knowledge has indeed increased, I have used my workplace environment as my sample segment of the population.  This environment provides a test group of 207 people, which (given a 5% margin for error) gives a reasonable estimate of the population as a whole.  Understanding this, I am pleased to report that the overwhelming majority of the 207 subjects in the test group appear to have a great deal of general knowledge.  Evidence of this can be seen through the constant employment (almost overuse) of the qualitative statement, "I know that's right!".  Most subjects appear to have a great deal of this general knowledge, affirming that they know what is correct at least five times within any given hour of the eight hour workday (on the average).  The subjects also display great joy in sharing their knowledge as the phrase, "I know that's right!" is often followed by loud and raucous laughter.  However, this investigation has also yielded a possible observation of concern.  The subjects only exhibited knowledge of what was correct.  Not once during the course of this investigation did any of the 207 subjects pronounce, "I know that's wrong!".  Why exactly this distinct lack of confirming falsehoods occurs (or rather, does not) still remains a mystery.  One possible theory for further investigation is that perhaps in having more knowledge, the population at large has also begun speaking more truthfully, thus making it so that there is no need for confirming knowledge of a false statement.  Further research is necessary.  Until these tests are performed, however, please rest peacefully, secure in the knowledge that people at least have acquired enough knowledge to "know that's right!"

And that is news we can all celebrate.

On another note, I also appreciate the freely given absolutions here in Purgatory (yes, I see the irony there).  Another phrase that is bandied about with much repetition is "You ain't never lied!".  

There is a good chance that when you read that your grammar antennae sprouted up like Ray Walston talking to Bill Bixby, but allow me to lay some information on you.

While I cannot defend the "ain't", I can defend the "ain't never" being a good thing.  According to the 1990 Oxford Symposium on the English Language double negatives, while not being proper grammar or acceptable in conversation, no longer constitute a positive.  Instead they confer a doubly reinforced negative.  So when someone says "You ain't never lied!" they are not saying that you HAVE in fact lied, but instead that you have not lied ever in your life, and they want you to know that hey truly believe that and support that stance vehemently.  And since I have in fact lied during my lifetime (I am not the shining symbol of virtue that some have made me out to be, or at least I haven't always been), then all I can figure is that they are releasing me from the bondage of my lies.  And it didn't cost me a cent (I would be less surprised if it was an indulgence of some sort).  

Now while I do not recognize their ability to absolve me (since that would be rather blasphemous of them AND me), it never hurts to have someone putting in a good word for you with the Big Cheese.  So I will take what I can get and leave it at that.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

There are 2 types of teeth, primary and secondary.  Primary teeth are often referred to as baby teeth.  These are the ones that are expected to fall out eventually.  Secondary teeth are your (hopefully) permanent teeth.  There are 20 primary teeth and 32 secondary.  Primary teeth are notated with letters, secondary teeth with numbers.

Also, all of your teeth (except for your MIGHTY INCISORS) have six sides to them.  

Why am I telling you all of this, and why is there a picture of Jennifer Lopez?

Because a young patient who was seen in my office had a two surface filling done on one of their teeth.  It was a primary tooth, tooth "J", and the surfaces in question were the lingual and the occlusal.  The procedures office fee was $153, but the insurance would only pay $93 of it.  But all I could see was "J-LO, $153, $93".  

So now we know how much her love DOES cost, no matter how much she protests to the contrary.

Another Edition of...

It's a Child, NOT a Triple Word Score in Scrabble!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes it is back for a second straight week!  Prepare yourself and be amazed at the sheer hubris and stupidity of parents who apparently got their child's name from a game of Boggle.  

Today's Edition: No Pressure.  Just be as successful as you can be, child:

  • Lexus (2 of these total)
  • Tiara
  • Moses
  • Prodigy
  • Prophet
  • Monet
  • Justice
  • Loreal
  • Patience
  • Heaven (2)
  • Heaven-Leigh
  • Heavin (I am assuming the pronunciation on this one is not a euphemism for throwing up, but instead an illiterate attempt to capture the divine)
  • Nevaeh (Heaven backwards mixed with a touch of dyslexia. - 6 total)
  • Neviah (see "Heavin")
  • Angelik (it's kind of like being an angel, I suppose)
And of course...

  • Amyracle

As always, these are all actual names that exist in the data banks of my office.  Want me to prove it?  Too bad, HIPPA won't allow it.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Today's Mood Is...

Even if your name is NOT Dr. Mindbender, this is good advice to heed.