Big Shirtless Ron

A REAL po'boy

2011-08-16T15:56:00.002-04:00

That New Orleans sandwich thing sounds good, but I have the real recipe for a po'boy. Ready?

Guy at work + no car + forgot to pack his lunch + the bread he has left from yesterday's lunch + sandwich style pickle slices + mustard = po'boy sandwich for lunch.

It is just as tasty as it sounds.

Here There Be Spiders!

2011-08-15T11:47:00.003-04:00

Office Quote Of The Day (at least for now):

"We got a tarantula downpour"

I hope you can figure out what she meant, but I encourage all of you to leave your interpretations in the comments section. Best answer will win a prize. Seriously.

If You

2011-08-08T16:31:00.001-04:00

Can't PRONOUNCE "kindergarten" your children should not be allowed to ATTEND "kindergarten".

I Love It When

2011-08-08T15:24:00.002-04:00

You call me by my last name just so that you can bum something off of me YET AGAIN. Get your own damn floss picks.

Sorry Ramadan-ing Co-Worker

2011-08-08T15:07:00.001-04:00

But I like eating ham. And I like eating during daylight hours.

It's Like Manna For My Mind

2011-08-08T15:03:00.004-04:00

No, PLEASE keep on blowing into your pen cap, making a high pitched, just this side of dog whistle noise WHILE we listen WITH you to the hold music for Aetna for 15 minutes. I know I speak for everyone in here when I say WE CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT!

Why Yes, it HAS Been A While

2011-08-04T14:00:00.002-04:00

I started Twittering all my work rage / incredulousness, and that led to me not having anything to post here. But I am refocusing the Drop Three Twitter feed on things that are not personal in nature (unless it involves whoring out the troupe), so I am going to go back to doing my bitching here. But since I am now thinking in 140 character statements, it is going to take some time to adjust to the new / old format. So for now it will be bullet point compilations...

Case in point. You work for this company. You have worked here longer than I have, but your job is mainly on the road. But you are very familiar w/the company and how things like the phone system here works. You know that everyone has a direct line that you can call. Why the holy hell are you calling the main number and making us transfer you? How fucking lazy are you that you can't PROGRAM someone's number into your phone THAT THE COMPANY PAYS FOR?!?!?
And to the Mercy MA people - you need to answer the phone when the main line rings once in a while too. At least half the time the calls are for you. Stop being so fucking lazy.

Damn it feels good to cuss online again.

Today's Office Is...

2011-05-20T13:14:00.002-04:00

Both owners are away, the manager has been at a training session for a new site all day, and the inmates are beyond running the asylum. Radios up so loud that I have turned my music off because it is not worth trying to compete, extremely loud declarations of all sorts, like "I know THAT'S right!" and "You got JOKES!" (who these statements are directed at is beyond my limited scope of knowledge since I am keeping my face straight ahead in my cubicle and not turning around for ANYTHING). Plenty of walking around, and a number of exclamations of exasperation regarding everyday work tasks that are suddenly so cumbersome that they must be addressed to the world (I know for a fact that Moms Mabley "Ain't doin' no more appeals!" - quoted verbatim - and Doo Wop has decided to regale everyone within the sound of her voice - a voice that can cut through the din so effectively that she could be used as the Emergency Broadcast Signal - all about Jill Scott's weight loss and whatever else is happening in the world of celebrity gossip. Not to mention the Nigerian Nightmare's singing what-the-fuck-ever song she is singing - off key and thick accent equals profit? - and you have the general idea).

I am going to start keeping a bottle of scotch in my desk drawer for days like this.

I Am The Repeated Story About Jack's Pubic Hair

2011-05-11T13:52:00.000-04:00

At this point I do not know what the fuck to say about anything here. Not only was the HR person here again (she just left), she brought her (and by extension her brothers, the owners) mother with her. And sure enough, as soon as Jim left the conversation went to the son's / grandson's pubic hair...

On a side note, if I ever even THOUGHT that my grandmother was talking to people about my growing pubic hair, let alone sitting in a PLACE OF BUSINESS laughing and joking about it, I would probably have disowned her. Full stop.

So anyway, for reasons that I cannot fully comprehend (other than that the HR person has the worst concept of "acceptable workplace conversations" EVER, the next thing I know the HR person, her mother, Shanelle, and MARGARET (aka Gaza Strip Club and Moms Mabley respectively, but at this point I am too disgusted by this damn place to give a shit about cute nicknames and if anyone complains I think I have one hell of a counter argument) are all talking about sex toys, their favorites, their hiding places, professing their love for them, and to top it all off, talking about going to the sex shop and trying them on / modeling them for each other (in the case of HR and mom).

Really? THAT is okay? Fine. I am getting out of here with the quickness, and I will accept pretty much any job that allows me to stop working here. But until that sweet day arrives, I am going to live by their rules. If they don't like hearing about my jock itch or ball sweat once the summer hits, that is just too fucking bad. In fact, I am thinking about cultivating a nice case of jock itch JUST so I can talk about it.

Put your tough actin' Tinactin on THIS, bitches.

I'm Here To Help

2011-05-10T15:59:00.003-04:00

Here's a simple formula for you to use to see if something is potentially offensive / racist.

Replace group identity being referred to with your own group identity. If you think it is offensive, it is.

For instance:

Let's say one of your co-workers is Hispanic. And let us further speculate that you have asked that co-worker to speak to a patient / client because the patient / client speaks Spanish and you do not. You need to meet with the patient / client. Your Hispanic co-worker is going to be going with you since you both perform the same general task, but this time your specific skill set is needed. He / she will be able to help with the generalities, but you are needed for the specifics just as the co-worker is needed for translation / communication. As the co-worker is on the phone making arrangements for you two to meet up with the client / patient, you start making comments asking where the meeting is taking place because you don't want to get mugged by the co-worker's "people".

Let's stop there for a second. Now we will boil down the comment in question. As has been established, your co-worker is Hispanic. You are African-American. So taking a look at the comment

Where are you telling him to meet us? I don't want to get mugged by your people!

Breaking the sentence down into it's components, "I" is a black person, "your people" are Latinos. So what you are saying is "I don't want to get mugged by the Hispanics". Implying that the Hispanic people are known for and have a reputation of mugging people.

Now if we reverse that, and your Hispanic co-worker says to you "I don't want to get mugged by your people", that would translate to "I don't want to get mugged by black people, because black people are known for and have a reputation for mugging people".

I am not speaking on either generality, nor am I speaking on the veracity of said statements. I am merely commenting on the fact that "black people mug people, so I am afraid to go into their neighborhoods" could be construed as racist. Therefore "Hispanic people mug people, so I am afraid to go into their neighborhoods" could also be construed as racist.

Next time on "I'm Here To Help": When you ask someone to translate for you because you don't speak the language of the person you need to communicate with, it is advantageous to not accuse your translator of telling the person they are speaking to on your behalf to "stop telling them to rob me, I don't know what you saying over there [sic]".

Tune in, won't you?

Yeah, it's been a while

2011-05-06T13:40:00.002-04:00

But I have been trying to grow the Twitter feed and the sports blog, so I have my reasons.

Anyway, before you continue reading, be forewarned that this post is all about me bitching about my job and will contain crude language.

Un-FUCKING-believable.

So not only is the health insurance in this POS job of mine ACTUALLY GETTING WORSE (which I didn't think was possible), the HR manager has been sitting here for the last 45 minutes (while I am trying to eat my fucking lunch) talking about her son starting puberty, telling her other sons not to try and take a peek at his growing pubic hair, explaining how she and her husband discussed blow jobs while driving with all the kids (and used the word "blowjob" at least half a dozen times), and then went into an expose all about her first period and how she wore the "big bulky" pads for 30+ straight days (I can only hope that she changed them at some point).

NONE of that is made up or even exaggerated. Not one bit of it.

I have been trying to get something going business wise for a few months now. And in a week and a half I have a big meeting that will hopefully get this thing off of the ground ASAP. But no matter what happens I have to get out of here. This is officially a hostile work environment, but since the HR "manager" is the sister to the owners not one fucking thing will be done about it. So I will be getting out of here, sooner rather than later, and if it were to happen at 2pm today (it is 1:53pm right now) it would not be soon enough.

An Open Letter To Mrs. Holton (sp?) from United Concordia

2011-04-06T15:51:00.003-04:00

Mrs. Holton,

I thank you for explaining in painstaking detail what happens when someone faxes something. I always had a sneaking suspicion that some kind of voodoo or necromancy was involved in making a piece of paper's information be able to fly across a phone line and reappear in the same order somewhere else.

I also understand that if I put something in the mail that you do not receive that it is not your fault for not receiving it. But thank you for also making sure to emphasize that information by telling me 7 times during the conversation.

However, I do hope you understand that I am concerned that a claim I have sent multiple times to an address I just verified as the correct one will mysteriously not arrive again, and since you demand that you receive the claim before you can comment on it, I am now in the middle of a difficult situation that I see no way out of short of faxing or emailing you said claims. Telling me that if I fax them to the number that you provided and then telling me that you will try to receive them and then try to forward them to the claims department does not, after examining the history of our relationship both with the claims and this conversation, fill me with confidence of receiving reimbursement for the services provided.

Stop it. Please.

I hate this feeling

2011-03-22T20:04:00.002-04:00

As much as I like to point out the absurdity and silliness in my life (sometimes to the point of making someone say "why the hell would you TALK about that?!?"), I try hard to not bring full on heaviness here. But I have something that has been bothering me for a while now, and I need to talk about it SOMEWHERE...

I have mentioned our neighbor Eric in the past (never w/his actual name, though). I remember talking about the Memorial Day parking job fiasco last year (when he called the cops at 3 or 4 in the morning to complain that Patrick was parked too close to his car). Well, last week (while I was at my parent's house for doctor's appointments) he had words w/Faith AND Belle, including accusing us of training Buttercup to hate him (and for all that dog's faults, hating ANYONE is not one of them. I don't think she is smart enough to hate anyone). All that falls under "guy who lives under the bridge and squeegees car windows for spare change" level paranoia to me. But when he came out brandishing a handgun while Belle and Buttercup were outside minding his own business (and in fact he was outside, saw Belle and Buttercup, went inside, then came BACK out with a gun in his hand, still mumbling under his breath), it is no longer just annoying guy doing petty things that I can ignore.

I do need to take a moment to thank the Baltimore City Police Department for responding last week when the craziness got big. A LOT of officers showed up, and from all accounts they were very professional and thorough in handling the situation and ensuring Belle and Faith's safety and making sure they were satisfied with their level of response. Too often police (especially in Baltimore) get grief for all the things that go wrong, even if it is not any fault of their own. All I can say about this is they did everything they could do.

Belle and Faith are going to request a peace order from the city. There is no guarantee that we will get one, but it is well worth the attempt. Other than that, I am at a loss as to what we CAN do. Except pray. And trust in Him. So I will.

Just Wanted To Let You Know

2011-02-12T21:43:00.000-05:00

That whoah-ho...Oh-OH

I'm still alive.

I Really Can't Blame Them

2011-01-25T17:57:00.002-05:00

I am sitting at my cubiclette at a shade before 6pm on a Tuesday. I needed to run statements, and since I am going to be out on Friday and Monday with the surgery I have no problem with staying late today to bank some hours.

I am alone now. Gramma Moses (I forget what name I've given her in the past, which is a common lament around here) just left. She spent the better part of the last hour and a half trying desperately to get me to respond to her as she made comments about the things going on in her life (a common happening around here, as I have made clear in the past). I didn't bite, even when she got obvious and loud about it. Luckily I had already turned my iTunes up so I was able to pretty much block her out.

I wish I could feel bad about all but ignoring her, but I just can't. I am tired of this place, and I am tired of my coworkers who have an almost constant need for attention. I am not the same person that I was before all the medical drama of the last year and a half. I don't have the desire to pretend that I give a shit when it is people who just take and take and take. I'm done with them.

Am I happy that I have to go back under the knife on Friday? Not in the least. I am sick of being sick. I made some good headway while I was out, but within 9 months of being back here I fell back into a bunch of the bad patterns that got me into this mess in the first place (not all of them, but enough of them to make it noticeable to me that I have regressed in a lot of key areas, which is why I have talked to Wifey about some changes I am going to make after the surgery and a few days of recovery time). But I do not go and complain about it all the time, and I don't hunt for attention from people (aside from the occasional Facebook post, but I am human, and I don't do it ALL THE DAMN TIME).

So I'm sorry Gramma, but I am not going to do that anymore. Go find yourself another patsy.

An Open Letter to Whoever In The Office Keeps Leaving The Dishwashing Sponge On Top Of The Clean Dishes In The Dish Strainer

2011-01-21T19:08:00.002-05:00

Stop it. It's gross.

An Open Letter To Karen The Surgery Scheduling Lady

2011-01-20T10:32:00.002-05:00

Dear Karen,

I know that you do not have an enviable job. Basically your job's raison d'etre is to let people know that they are going to be made unconscious while a guy in a mask cuts them open and modifies their body in a way that had not been planned by God. That cannot be easy. So I admire your ability to sound pleasant to the point of cheerful / chipper when talking to people on the phone.

But I need to ask you a big favor. When talking to cynical bastards like me, especially when calling to tell them that something isn't going to be covered by their insurance so they are going to have to pay for it up front (granted it's only $40, but dammit that is $40 that has to come out of my booze and bimbos budget!), tone it down a bit. If saying "okay" takes more than 5 seconds and/or travels more than 2 octaves upwards in range from the "Oh" to that "kay", you're going too far. You have a nice lilt to your voice. Use it sparingly. Please.

An Open Letter To Blue Diamond Almonds

2011-01-19T11:47:00.000-05:00

I understand that 15 seconds does not allow one to fully explore the subtleties of suggestive advertising, so in that vein if you want to go right for the obvious and show nuts flying in some moderately attractive woman's mouth you go right ahead. It is apparent that she loves when large black men share their nuts for her to put in her mouth, and I applaud you for your unflinching support of interracial relationships (even if the doing it in public, on the jumbotron no less, is a bit too kinky for Middle America. So you might want to keep this commercial strictly on an East Coast / West Coast rotation). But from a heterosexual male standpoint (and I only speak for me, but I am pretty sure that many others would feel the same way), her staring at it crosseyed as it flies in there is a bit off-putting.

Jus' sayin.

Ron

1st Thought On A Thursday

2011-01-13T08:58:00.000-05:00

So I pulled into the parking lot here at Purgatory this morning in a bit of a hurry (I was close to being late. For some reason I took a lot longer than usual getting myself all gussied up to go to work this morning). Sure enough, I see a certain minivan parked at a jaunty angle usually reserved for Adam West era Batman villain lairs. I knew then that the Nigerian Nightmare was back. And immediately THIS popped into my head:

Come on weekend...please.

Why no, I DON'T have anything else going on in my life

2011-01-06T10:40:00.002-05:00

Oh yeah, it's bitch and moan time...

I was supposed to be going to see my podiatrist tomorrow morning. I even packed for my overnight trip that I was going to be taking tonight (since it is the right foot that the doctor has to look at / cut on, driving is a literal AND figurative pain, so my parents have continued their year plus long streak of "driving their son around" and putting a lot of otherwise unneeded miles on the truck). But now I'm not going to spend the night at the 'rents, and I am not going to the doctor tomorrow. Why? Because he needed to reschedule my appointment because of a surgery that is now scheduled for my time slot.

Since I work in billing, I know a few things that a lot of people don't. And for that reason I hold my doctor blameless for this one. He tells the front desk what he needs, they make it happen. THEY are the ones that decide who is going where, and in my case who is getting bumped for someone else. And as sad as it sounds, it is all about the money. Surgeries, even in clinic, are money makers. Follow ups with maintain status quo procedures are not. Ergo, surgeries get fast tracked and general appointments get the red headed stepchild treatment. I would lay money on the fact that my doctor has no idea what is going on, and when I do see him again (currently NEXT Friday, but we'll see if that one stands) he will ask why he didn't see me this week. It reminds me of an old saying, "Paramedics save lives. EMT's save paramedics". That is in no way a shot at paramedics, but it goes to the fact that paramedics will lose track of some of the basics of first responder care because they have a lot more info in their heads to deal with (for instance, they are authorized to dispense medications, something that no EMT or CRT could do back in my EMT days). Basically, it is a "forest / trees" kind of thing. The doctor knows what he needs to do, but the vast majority of them have no idea what is happening behind the desk. That is not in their wheelhouse. And it is a shame, because it causes things like this.

The front desk person called the house this morning to tell Wifey that they had to move me from 8am to 1:30 pm, mmm-kay? This front desk person was actively trying to avoid confrontation / possibly trying to get a cancellation / no show fee from me. Why do I say this? Because they know for a fact that I work, and they know to call my cell phone OR my work number, both of which they have and have used in the past. I made sure that it was in the chart to call those numbers during business hours. The automated "You have an appointment tomorrow" call still goes to the house, but that is it. But the hope is that they will either get to leave a voicemail telling me my appointment has been changed (which I won't get until after they close today since I am at work) or they leave a message w/someone in the house telling me my appointment has been changed. The sneaky thing is that if they leave a message w/a person and then I call tomorrow to tell them I can't do it, I am cancelling w/less than 24 hours notice. A shady office could then charge me a cancelled appointment fee (I am not saying that this particular office is dealing like that, just that it is a possibility and that I know offices where it has happened), which they could not do w/a voicemail message. Luckily for me, Wifey don't play dat (woo 90's references!), and she told them that she would call me and have me call THEM. Which she did, and which I did, and which led me to not having a podiatrist appointment tomorrow.

It all worked out (pretty much), but it is another annoyance in an otherwise already annoying day. I might even have to splurge on lunch and not eat my ham sammich (but I probably will eat the ham sammich. The only reason to get something out is to get away from the Henn Patrol, but I don't know if that is worth the grub I would get. We'll see).

French Fries Are The Devil

2011-01-05T13:16:00.000-05:00

Fur pillows ARE hard to actually sleep on...

Geeking Out Over History

2011-01-05T08:10:00.003-05:00

For once, I am not going to post a bunch of whining or snark. Just a really cool little website that (as long as you have Quicktime installed) has a lot of neat little historical nuggets of awesome.

http://objectofhistory.org/

Enjoy!

Today's Mood Is...

2011-01-04T10:51:00.001-05:00

It's been a rough year in Metropolis...

Sometimes you need some super-scotch. This might just be one of those days.

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented

2010-12-30T13:11:00.000-05:00

Because sometimes you need a parrot singing Drowning Pool. You might not know it yet. But you do.

Today's Mood Is...

2010-12-28T15:11:00.003-05:00

I have had my fill of homespun "aw shucks" homilies and sayings that you expect to hear in a badly stereotypical characterization of "Southern Life". Doo Wop has been spouting the Asian Mustard Lady classic "Sugar Honey Iced Tea" approximately every 27 seconds, and to add to it Gramma Mabley just uttered (about a person she was just on the phone with) "She's out to breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and didn't even pack a snack".

Not only do I not know what the hell that is supposed to mean (if you are going out for a meal you wouldn't pack a snack. Going out for 3 meals makes snack packing even more unlikely), but she has said it 3 times now, each time a little louder, waiting for someone to acknowledge both the accuracy of her assessment AND the validity of her incredulity over it.

I'm beginning to think that I'd get more job satisfaction out of being a commisioned pork salesman in Dubai.

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented

2010-12-21T10:16:00.004-05:00

Grandma reading 5o Cent's Tweets

BONUS REASON!!!

Same Grandma reading Kanye West's Tweets

Both NSFW, but funny as hell.

Today's Reason

2010-12-21T10:16:00.001-05:00

Today's Mood Is...

2010-12-20T10:30:00.002-05:00

I'm really not feeling the office thing today. I might just go full Milton.

I bet I get some cake this time.

Im'ma try sumthin

2010-12-16T12:28:00.004-05:00

Artie Donovan's Workout Partner just made it to the "non-Sun blogs" page of the Baltimore Sun's webpage. To wit, I am trying to make my stuff look a little more professional. Ergo (uncommon words rule) I am going to see if I have figured out how to make my links pop up in a new tab / window instead of changing the page.

And now to post this and see if it worked.

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented...

2010-12-13T19:50:00.000-05:00

http://kimjongillookingatthings.tumblr.com/

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented...

2010-12-05T17:47:00.001-05:00

So you can read an interview w/ Oscar the Grouch.

http://www.digitalspy.com/tv/interviews/a291097/oscar-the-grouch-sesame-tree.html

A Brand New Feature

2010-12-01T17:57:00.001-05:00

Today, for the first time, I present

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented

http://www.hairpieceorherpes.com/

Today's Mood Is...

2010-11-30T18:08:00.002-05:00

Woke up with the "gotta vomit, please let me get to the bathroom in time" feeling, and had one of my patented "Puke so hard the capillaries in my face pop and I look like an extra in Outbreak" faces all day, to the point that work sent me home early (after the floor manager asked me if I needed an ambulance. I didn't think I looked that bad...).

I picked the wrong time to have a bunch of "end of the month" paperwork to do...

Friday Funday

2010-11-19T11:56:00.002-05:00

I love Modern Family. I really think it is one of the 5 best shows on TV right now. It is well written, well acted, and it has a good balance of comedy and quiet moments. And it treats families w/respect.

As far as the comedy goes, it is one of the only shows out there that recognizes the comedic value of silence. Of letting the moment happen instead of pointing to it and saying "LOOK HOW FUNNY THIS IS!!!!!!" It doesn't foist a laugh track on the viewers, which lets the audience decide what it wants to laugh at. And it is showing growth in the characters, which is completely unexpected in a sitcom.

Plus, it has this...

God bless America. And Ed O'Neill is a lucky, lucky bastard.

Because being the "Crazy Old Woman Who Says Inappropriate Things All The Time" lady wasn't good enough...

2010-11-18T15:00:00.001-05:00

Now we have added on to it that she calls her daughter's dog her "grandpuppy"...

Today's Mood Is...

2010-11-18T14:20:00.001-05:00

Looks like it's time to...

...mow the lawn

Today's Mood Is...

2010-11-05T12:28:00.002-04:00

Today's "Ric Romero" moment

2010-11-03T15:42:00.002-04:00

Many companies have outsourced their call center business to overseas offices, and many of those are in Pakistan and India. The best way to make sure everyone in the office is aware of this is to do a highly racist and offensively stereotypical Pakistani or Indian accent (because they all sound alike to you) and to start saying that your name is Dan, how can you help us, and then saying that everyone knows your real name is Sanjeep (or some other name that you think sounds sufficiently Indian).

Today's "First Thing In The Morning" Dose of Obviousness

2010-11-02T07:57:00.001-04:00

"Girl, I be so lazy"

Things I Am Betting That I Heard Out Of Context While Walking Back To My Cubicle While Trying To Wait Out The End Of My Workday/Week...

2010-10-29T15:29:00.002-04:00

"That's good, David, that you can stretch it out that far"

So I *HAVE Been Doing It Wrong All These Years...

2010-10-29T15:02:00.001-04:00

Happy Halloween, y'all!!

2010-10-29T12:16:00.002-04:00

-all images gleefully stolen from HERE

Today's "Stuck In The Office On A Sunny Friday Afternoon" Mood Is...

2010-10-29T12:14:00.002-04:00

Today's Mood Is...

2010-10-23T21:02:00.001-04:00

Today's BONUS "Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Wife (The Taken Out Of Context Edition)"

2010-10-21T15:55:00.002-04:00

"I was laughing at your turnpike thingy".

2 for 1 Special. Great...

Today's "I Didn't Need To Hear A 60 Something Year Old Woman Say That" Moment Is...

2010-10-21T15:48:00.002-04:00

"I would have been here sooner, but I had to figure out a way to get that Johnson straight".

My Job Is Turning Me Into Seinfeld

2010-10-19T09:42:00.002-04:00

Not the way I like to envision myself.

So I am sitting here, trying to post payments and do all those things that actually justify the paycheck that I receive twice a month, and the Nigerian Nightmare is at her cubiclette sipping her hot tea. Nothing wrong with that. Except that it is a loud, slurping sip followed by an audible sigh.

I was never a big fan of Seinfeld, but I thought it was relatively funny, and as an improv comic you need to be aware of things on the pop culture zeitgeist, which Seinfeld definitely was. Hell, the automatic spell check on Google Chrome doesn't flag "Seinfeld" as a made up word, and like most spell checkers it hates uncommon names. So I have watched more than a few episodes over the years, and there was one that had a person who sipped coffee loudly while in a night class w/George. And since the show loved to celebrate how something rather innocuous could drive someone crazy, you can probably guess the results.

I'll give you a hint. The reaction was not rational or reasonable by any stretch of the imagination. Hopefully, that is not too much of a spoiler.

So in between her yelling at people / voice prompts on the phone with her heavily accented English speaking voice, I keep hearing "sluuuuuurppppppp...ahhhhhhhhhh"

And it is driving me CRAZY.

Quite possibly.

Still waiting on that heretofore unknown rich old relative who always admired me from afar to go ahead and kick the proverbial bucket...

Today's Mood Is...

2010-10-14T14:18:00.001-04:00

Last Night's Nugget of Wawa Wisdom...

2010-10-06T08:44:00.001-04:00

"Some people start out young"

Yes. And the rest are named Benjamin Button.

-overheard at the coffee bar while restocking stirrers

Today's "That's What She Said" Moment Is...

2010-10-04T17:57:00.002-04:00

"Sometimes it gets too hot, so I hold it for a while. It gets too hot for my mouth"

-overheard at Costco

Today's Mood Is...

2010-10-01T14:34:00.000-04:00

English for the English impaired

2010-10-01T14:30:00.002-04:00

As always, an actual transcript of conversation here in Purgatory...

"That girl is a hellion."

"What's a hellion?"

"You know...um...she's off the chain."

"Oh (nods understandingly)."

How are we supposed to make the English language the official language of America when the denizens of the country can't get the simple parts down? I mean. use context, people! When Doo Wop is talking (as she OFTEN is) about her granddaughter, and this particular story (which she is now telling for the 3rd time in succession) involves said granddaughter sassing back to Doo Wop, followed by "that little girl is a hellion, let me tell you"...

The word "hell" is right in the damn word! She is talking about the child acting up! CONTEXT tells you at least the gist of the word!!!!!

Come on heretofore unknown rich distant relative who always liked me best, but from afar...

More Words You Don't Want To Hear From The 60-Something Year Old Woman Who Works In Your Office

2010-09-28T13:07:00.002-04:00

"It upset my heinie so bad that I was up all night. I used all kinds of pillows but couldn't sleep none."

Brain soap, please

2010-09-27T11:12:00.002-04:00

2 Things:

I don't like it when old ladies come up behind me and put their hands on my shoulder (or anywhere else, for that matter), and begin to regale me with stories of their past.
I really don't need to hear about hiding from their newlywed husband in the bathroom at 3 am because they had "a little diarrhea".

Sigh.

Today's Bright and Early on a Monday Morning Mood Is...

2010-09-27T08:00:00.002-04:00

with a side of...

There is someone who works here that I have previously, to the best of my knowledge, named. Mainly because she is hardly ever actually in the office because she is a field rep. But pretty much any time she is in the office, my life gets exponentially more difficult.

You see, I understand that different people have different levels of intelligence. I do not blame someone because they cannot understand something. But when someone is willfully ignorant, it really pisses me off. And when they take pride in their ignorance, well...

Chris understands.

So the field rep comes in this morning to grab some paperwork before she heads out on the road to do whatever the hell it is she does out there, and while she is sitting at her cubiclette, she is asking about a patient that she has to see. And THAT is when she said "She be where at?"

...

Really?

So, basically, I work with Ghetto Yoda.

And THAT is how a name is created.

Today's Nugget of Office Wisdom

2010-09-24T11:44:00.002-04:00

Companies that offer car insurance will check your credit score and history, and use that as a determining factor in setting your rates, as well as your choices of coverage and deductibles.

Today's Mood Is...

2010-09-24T10:06:00.002-04:00

Hey ma! Get off the dang roof!

It is amazing how one simple invention can make life so much easier. Take the telephone, for instance. It is a simple device, really, but it allows people that are great distances away to communicate with ease. And it eliminates the need to constantly yell and annoy the people around you.

You can see it, can't you?

The Nigerian Nightmare apparently doesn't understand that the phone allows you to not have to yell. Also, for future reference, if no one understands you, maybe it isn't everyone else.

Today's Morbo Moment Is...

2010-09-23T14:13:00.002-04:00

You cannot begin the name "Shawn" with a "C-H". Voiceless postalveolar affricates don't work that way!!!

Today's Mood Is...

2010-09-23T08:46:00.003-04:00

Before you read too much into this, I am still employed at Purgatory. In fact, I am here right now, slacking in betwixt posting payments for patients w/names like Ta'Majai and Jarmal (srsly? Ya, srsly). But still, the list is valid...

Some of you know that I started looking for a new part time job recently. And for all intents and purposes I found one, at Helen Keller's favorite convenience store...

Whatchoo lookin' at, fool? My master needs some coffee or some damn thing!

I went through the interview process, and all seemed okay. From the sound of things, they were looking to fast track me into a team leader position. And hey, free coffee while you're on the clock! And then, my first shift happened...

Do NOT Google Image Search "Shift Happens" on a work computer with the safe search off. Trust me when I say I speak from experience.

I knew I was in for a long day when I was told my shift was 10 pm - 7 am. They had mentioned working the graveyard shift, and I was okay with it. It is my fault for not saying to them "Overnights are cool, but since I already have a 40 hour per week job, can we not schedule back to back weeknights?" clearly enough (I did tell them that I prefer weekend nights over weeknights because of the whole "day job" thing, but I am guessing it couldn't get through the sheer volume of Aqua Net that the Store Manager used to keep her hair in place. Seriously, it was Jimmy Johnson-esque in its ability to defy the elements and in fact the very laws of nature). So there I was last night, working a 9 hour shift from hell. And since 2 people called out, there was no one who could take the time to begin my actual training. So I spent the day doing grunt work, sweeping, mopping, cleaning the bathrooms (none of which are anything I am against doing as they are part of the job and since I cannot work the register or make subs, my options to contribute are severely limited).

And now for Good News / Bad News:

The Good News is that Wawa pays you when you are on break, so a 10 pm to 7 am shift gets you 9 hours, even though you get a 30 minute break.

The Bad News is that Wawa doesn't feel compelled to give you that break. If something comes up, you don't get to take a break. I believe it is called the "Too Bad / So Sad" Corollary".

Well, it seems that last night was supposed to be a "So Sad" kind of night. But I figured once a full staff of people came in starting at 5 this morning (including one who, when seeing me behind the coffee station, decided to say - loudly - "Who the HELL is that?!?". My line of thinking is that since the two people who work there that she did know who the hell they were seemed okay with the fat guy making a pot of Costa Rican for mass consumption, she could have probably rolled with it, or come up to me and introduced herself to me and asked me who I was that way. But that's just me, I suppose) that it would be acceptable for me to take a quick 15 and have a seat for a while. From the looks / sounds of things when I came out of the break room, I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

Now let us add to the magical evening. The shift manager last night didn't actually speak to me for the first couple of hours. At one point, when I went up to her to ask her what I could do next to help, she got on her headset and told the other girl to tell me to sweep the store. And she would up being my favorite person there, once she actually spoke to me and stuff. As for the other girl, well, did you ever see the Family Guy when Brian had a girlfriend who was voiced by Drew Barrymore?

Even animated she makes my Top 5 All Time Crushes. And right now you are SO doing what Stewie is doing, so you are in the same boat. Perv.

Well, she did the thing that Drew's character did. Where she'd stop talking? In the middle of a thought? While raising the last syllable higher? Like it was a question?

Yeah, I was feelin' it.

So where does that leave me? Well, there was one thing brought up by the Incredulous Bitch (who the HELL is that?!?). It seems that she had surgery on her foot not too long ago, and in fact just got out of her boot that is very similar to mine

So you have a frame of reference

And she was surprised that I was allowed to work at Wawa in that boot, since she had to wait until she was out of hers to come back. Now when I was in my 2nd interview (the one with Jimmy Johnson), I was asked if I had a shoe that offered more protection than my driving shoe, which has a similar base, but is much more open across the top and toe area (and allows me to actually flex my ankle, which is an important attribute for a driving shoe). I told her that I had a boot that covers my foot. Methinks what this all breaks down to is miscommunication.

Unless I am just misremembering. It has been known to happen.

Either way, the Assistant Manager asked me about having any other shoe / boot that I could wear, and I told her that unfortunately I did not, and that the last time the doctor tried to put me in a regular shoe, within a week a developed blood blisters so bad that I am down to my last strike against having more surgery. As I was leaving, I asked her (jokingly, at least to me) to give me a call if I still have a job after she talks to the manager. And apparently the manager called my house at approximately 7:04 this morning and asked me to call her on her cell phone. Since I was not home, and not on my way home, Wifey dutifully took the message, and as she is not feeling well, promptly rolled right the hell back over and went back to sleep.

Follow Up Report:

I just spoke to Manager Jimmy, and it seems that I *am* still employed by Wawa, and that she called me specifically about my schedule and not about my choice in footwear. So I do work tonight, which means a quick nap this afternoon and back to the hoagie grind at 10 pm.

...but I am still kind of pissed about that whole break thing. Oh well, if it means we get to not eat government cheese...

Today's Mood Is...

2010-09-22T10:24:00.002-04:00

I just sat through a debate as The Nigerian Nightmare and Bubba Gump the IT guy debated which sex was smarter, men or women. It was almost as riveting as it sounds (although I will admit that I only heard part of it, as the rest of the argument was blissfully blocked out by Tom Petty coming on my iTunes, allowing me to spend 5:04 listening to "Don't Come Around Here No More", which was infinitely more entertaining than the argument. Among the highlights that I did hear were:

Women don't know when to shut up and go to bed
Houses work best when everyone knows their role
Wharblgarble

That last one was pretty much the majority of the conversation.

Tomorrow makes 5 years

2010-09-17T13:14:00.001-04:00

Since Wifey and I tied the knot. And while we are apart right now, we will be together this evening. But until then, all I can say is...

Today's Nugget of Office Wisdom

2010-09-17T13:07:00.001-04:00

Johnny Gill used to live in his own outhouse.

BONUS PRIMARY RESULTS / GETTING READY FOR NOVEMBER MOOD:

2010-09-15T20:32:00.001-04:00

Today's Nugget of Office Wisdom

2010-09-15T07:54:00.002-04:00

Actions that one takes now can reflect on you in both positive and negative lights in the future, so you should be aware of the consequences of those actions.

Today's Nugget of Office Wisdom

2010-09-14T13:21:00.002-04:00

If a man wants to "go gay", all he has to do is be intimate with a transvestite or "shemale" without knowing that the other party is a male (or has male reproductive organs). Once that is successfully accomplished, it is "okay for him to go gay".

I do not know if this is conventional wisdom or merely justification for the man in question.

Also, some people think Usher and RuPaul are the same person, and it is okay for Justin Bieber to not have a girlfriend because he is focusing on his career.

Today's Mood Is...

2010-09-13T08:01:00.002-04:00

Why yes, it IS Monday, and the Henns have a whole weekend's worth of pent up clucking with each other to do. How did you know?

Today's Mood Is...

2010-09-01T09:14:00.002-04:00

Who farted, y'all?

SALMA HAYEK THREAD!!!!

2010-09-01T08:44:00.002-04:00

Somebody posted these, and I co-opted them for their inherent awesomeness!

Remember, anything that drives traffic here and makes this place ever so slightly profitable is good. And it lets me post pics like this without too much grief from Wifey, who is actually quite a supporter of fabulous female forms. And I love that about her.

Most of us Know Someone Like This

2010-08-30T09:40:00.002-04:00

Not all attention whores are created equal.

Some are much more fun to post pictures of, and hopefully will drive up site clicks so I can get some sponsors on here.

Take Doo Wop, for instance. She is not someone who outright begs for attention, she doesn't create major scenes for her to emote about. But she DOES crave attention (and before you say anything, I am well aware that thinking anybody but myself and my closest friends give a flying leap about my whining is just as attention whore-y as anything that Doo Wop does. But at least I am up front about it). To wit, what she likes to do is to not only talk loudly on the phone, with exaggerated exasperation at every voice prompt question (and since most insurance companies allow you to key in most of your answers instead of saying them like you are a shouting Eeyore, it is unnecessary except for showing your coworkers that you are dealing with it and phishing for sympathy from them), she also likes to tell everyone (often individually) about the hell she just went through.

Did'ja hear what I just told him? You did? Well let me tell ya what I just told him...

It is usually told while sighing / laughing and back patting (we don't go full slap here, unless it is to the back of your chair), along with the usual chorus of "you ain't never told no lies" and "I know THAT'S right" affirming the situation (sometimes coming FROM Doo Wop WHILE she is telling the story).

The other part of it is the undermumbling. Long time readers may remember JabberJaws from the days in the basement / bomb shelter at Kernan. Well, Jabberjaws' red headed stepchild is Undermumbles.

Page views, people. It's how you grow an internet. Posting this picture is strictly scientific in nature. No ulterior motive, like justifying using GIS to search for her while at work is needed here. Move along, please.

Undermumblers like to sit at their desk and talk "to themselves", making vague, general exclamations of disbelief until someone bites and asks them what is going on. Then, it is STORY TIME!

Get'cher popcorn ready. Because you are going to need to keep your strength up.

The thing is, it isn't anything more than an attempt to commiserate with others who suffer the same annoyances and indignations that you do every day. People who automatically understand what a pain in the [mule.jpg] it is to deal with the insurance company's voice prompt services, as they require you to enter a litany of information that you are just going to have to give again to the customer service rep when you finally get to them (and on a side note, I would like to tell Blue Cross / Blue Shield of MD that if every time I call you for 2+ years you are "experiencing heavier than normal call volume", it is not heavier than normal, and mayhap your cheap selves should hire a few more phone jockeys. Lord knows my premiums alone are enough to fund a couple of wireless headset automatons). So we get it. We empathize. But we have our own crap we're dealing with, so maybe you could keep it down to once or twice a day.

Thanks.

Today's BONUS Mood Is...

2010-08-26T11:40:00.001-04:00

Without rules, we have nothing

2010-08-26T09:40:00.002-04:00

Code words do not work that way!

While I was on my medically enforced sabbatical from Purgatory, a system was developed so that those who are facing the door and can see what is coming could warn those who's cubicles face the wall (like mine does) that one of the Chinns was coming in. A simple declaration of "Man Down" is all the warning needed.

The thing is, this code has become the catch-all for EVERYTHING, whether the Chinns are in or out or in between. Cell phone rings because you forgot to turn your ringer off? "Man Down". Coffee pot is empty? "Man Down". Out of Cheez-its and needing a nosh? "Man Down".

It is (or at least it SHOULD be) a universally accepted fact that code words cannot have too many meanings, or else you have to define which meaning the code word is being used for, and this negates the effectiveness of code words.

Bunch of monkeys on the ceiling, sir! Grab your egg-and-fours and let's get the bacon delivered!

Why is it still Thursday?

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

2010-08-25T13:15:00.004-04:00

I have a standing policy against getting into religious or political conversations at work. It can only lead to making me want to punch things and/or people. But every so often I am bombarded by other people talking about something and I before I can stop myself I am in the middle of the inanity. Like this afternoon, for instance...

Gambling. That was today's topic. Someone started saying that it says in the Bible not to gamble. After chomping at the bit for as long as I could, I finally snapped and joined in and asked where in the Bible it says "Thou shalt not double down on 11"

"Pay the man his money. And make sure to tip your demon, you hellbound BASTARD!"

Well, it turns out that on WIKIPEDIA (that paragon of accurate information) someone says that it says you can't gamble in Matthew. But I couldn't find that.

Long story somewhat short, I looked around and found THIS and THIS when I searched "Bible" and "gamble". Not a whole lot there.

The thing of it was that she kept saying how where you find gambling you find alcoholics and whores (I am shorthanding her rambles about "dens of iniquity and ill repute. Yup. Actual quotes. I felt like I was in a Revival tent for a while). My response was that just because some people with those problems gravitate towards gambling, that does not make gambling ITSELF a sin. She kept saying that when an action keeps leading towards sins that the organization (i.e. the church) says that the action itself is a sin. She talked again about alcohol, and I said that I had wine every week at church (Episcopalians - we start 'em off young, but we let our priests marry, so it's all good), she said I was confusing the issue.

At this point I kept trying to turn away from the conversation before my letter opener decided to fly across the room at some accelerated velocity, but like an old Al Pacino, I kept getting dragged back in.

I bet you were expecting a Pacino pic here, weren't ya. Well it ain't happening.

Finally, she asked me to ask my pastor on Sunday about how God feels about gambling. I said I would, but I don't really think I am going to. I don't feel like giving a report back to her about what my pastor said. Besides, I came up with a question for her that I am going to pose instead. If God is against gambling then why is THIS happening in churches all over the country?

C'mon baby! Grammy needs a new liver pill prescription!

Also, she admitted that she plays Lotto (my catch all name for the mega state, mega jackpot drawings) once in a while.

Today's Mood Is...

2010-08-20T11:43:00.002-04:00

I really don't think I ask for too much from my job. I ask for enough electricity to power my computer and any ancillary equipment (phone, calculator, lights, et cetera), a workspace that is cool enough in the summer and warm enough in the winter that I don't have to think about the conditions (i.e. I don't sweat through my clothes or shiver so much that I can't type), access to any information that I need (referring to past work, finding information either on the phone or online)...nothing out of the ordinary.

Well, it seems another request of mine is now falling on deaf ears, and that is the request for artificial sweetener for my coffee be provided.

I have worked in offices where no coffee was provided, so I know it is not an OSHA requirement to provide liquid wakey juice as a condition of employment. But with that being said, if you ARE going to provide coffee, something as simple as Sweet n'Low should be made available for those employees for whom using sugar is not the brightest lifestyle choice. You are providing the coffee, the water, sugar, and "cream" (powdered non-dairy, but still...). If you want to stop ordering Splenda because it is too damn expensive, I understand. I don't need any high falutin' non nutrive calorie free sweetener. The crap that gives lab rats cancer is fine for me (I'm not a rat)

what a rat may look like...

After speaking to Ed "I don't need a nickname, dammit" the supervisor, we agreed that he would attempt to order something of the value menu of little packets of flavor maybe next month, once the Brothers Chinn have calmed down over this tempest in a not Southern Style teacup.

As I think of this, all I can think of is...

"Let the fools have their Tar-Tar Sauce!"

Also, Lisa needs braces...

Bringing back an old favorite

2010-07-22T14:56:00.003-04:00

We haven't played the "toying with the flirty bot" game for a while, since I had to remove the Yahoo chat from my computer at work and I don't really ever get on Yahoo anymore (I am a Gmail guy). But my Ballschwank Fantasy Football league goes through Yahoo, and I hadn't updated my email address on there, so I had to go into Yahoo in order to sign up.

I hadn't been on more than 2 minutes when "Shakita8959" popped up to have sexy fun time with good ol' BSR. As always, here is the unedited exchange...

Shakita8959:

whats up?

Me:

not much. what's up w/you?

Shakita8959:

Yay someone to talk too!! ~~~<3

Me:

yup

Shakita8959:

I hope you want to chat with a horny girl today...

Me:

why yes l do

Shakita8959:

Oh Ok LOL,Nice!how you doin??

Me:

good. u?

Shakita8959:

I am a little busy right now, just got a new laptop trying to set my cam up..

Me:

of course you are

Shakita8959:

I have a fetish for being on camera

Me:

O_o

Shakita8959:

..do you have a cam?

Me:

nope

l have a job

Shakita8959:

If you have one we can cam together or if not you can just watch me online

I have a webcam but you're not a kid right?

Me:

l am no goat, lady.

Shakita8959:

Can never really be sure..you know??

Me:

know? l'm still a plaintiff in several class action suits

Shakita8959:

k ..well im gonna show you ..k?

Me:

I do like looking at the letter K

Shakita8959: [naughtywebsite.whore]

go there and my video will load, just click the yellow JOIN FREE button at the top of the page, its 100% free to join you only need a credit card to verify that you are over 18 ;p

Me:

over 18 ;p? Is that some kind of European way of measuring weight?

Shakita8959:

if you cum watch me i'll do whatever you want me to do... fill out your info, its free k?

Me:

my info IS free, because I live in America. Land of the free...

Shakita8959:

yes babe the credit card is for age verification, for me to be a premium member and give you free access they have to know your over 18 just click the yellow JOIN FREE button at the top of the page, its 100% free to join

Me:

100% free to join, eh?

Extended warranty? How can I go wrong?

Shakita8959:

i use this site to play on cause i don't want to be recorded!...this site doesn't allow people to record my cam! just click the yellow JOIN FREE button at the top of the page ;p

Me:

are you afraid that the cam will steal your soul? Possibly through your exposed vagina?

Shakita8959:

credit card is just to verify your age, u get in for free thru my cam session invite since I'm a premium member, but u need to verify babe just click the yellow JOIN FREE button at the top of the page ;p

Me:

you seem so insistent. you must REALLY like me

Shakita8959:

let me know if you need any help logging in..i'm gonna slip into something nice for you..k?

Me:

wow. a special outfit, too? I'm the luckiest man in the history of man

Shakita8959:

im the girl in the main video that loads

Me:

BTW - I like your name. Shakita. It reminds me of a Latina pop star who is also a banana. Do your hips not lie about being filled with potassium and other nutrients?

Shakita8959:

jennifer, just call me jenny

Me:

I'm the man in thew shiny green suit

Shakita8959:

Me:

my name isn't jennifer, but l can call you Jenny.

Jenny's are usually pretty cool

Shakita8959:

jennifer is my real name but all my friends call me jenny

are u in babe??

Me:

am I a friend of yours? That is so cool of you, since we have never met, and I am not allowed to have a credit card as part of the plea bargain

Shakita8959:

Me:

this conversation has been most invigorating

jenny? Friend? Are you still there?

Hullo?

Oh well. Back to work, I suppose...

Today's Mood Is...

2010-07-20T15:00:00.004-04:00

Today's Henn Topic is...

Playing the Lottery!!

Here is what I think of people who play "the numbers"

Now let me clarify something. I have no problem with someone throwing a couple of bucks into an office pool for the Super Bowl, or March Madness, or even for a weekly drawing (back at the hospital, the dental employees used to toss a buck in an envelope every week for the Friday "Big Money" drawing, which I would sometimes participate in). That kind of stuff is fine. You know you probably aren't going to win, but it is fun. I have also been known to buy a dollar or two worth of tickets to one of the big jackpot games when they get to one of those insane amounts (low to mid 9 figures). Again, I have absolutely no expectation of winning, but it is not that different than throwing a few quarters into a wishing well. There is nothing wrong with that.

But too many people I know take the lottery WAY too seriously. Doo Wop came in this morning clucking about how her number came up last night. Specifically her 3 digit (her 4 digit almost came up, too). Depending on how much she put on the ticket, she won anywhere from about $75-$250 (when I worked at the liquor store lo those many years ago, a $.50 ticket paid out $80 and a $1 ticket paid $250 for winning "box" style, or where you have all the correct numbers, but not in the order that they came up in the actual drawing. There is every chance that the payouts have gone up in the last 12 or so years, but I haven't followed the system to know about it). Sure enough, the conversation quickly turned to everyone's favorite numbers, and how many times they had almost won recently, and how that one time they didn't get their tickets that number sure enough did come up. Now, it should be noted that everyone contributing to the conversation had many different sets of numbers that they play for both the midday and the evening drawings, some even having different sets of numbers for each drawing, some having a rotation of number sets they play, and some playing ALL of their numbers EVERY drawing. I would say that the average spent on Pick 3, Pick 4, and the big money multi-state drawings (I know the Big Game is played in MD, but I forget what the other one is) per each Henn that plays the numbers is about $10/day, and I am erring on the side of caution with that number.

That is just crazy. At that rate, you are putting $3500+ in the pot EVERY year (and if you don't think these fools AREN'T going to Vegas, A.C., and Dover at least once a month, you are fooling yourself more than they are). From the daily grumbling I am also confident that they don't recoup that amount, or anywhere near it, in any given year.

And that brings us to the scary logic that permeates not only this office, but way too much of the general population. The notion that a random occurrence is due, or that it is more apt to happen again, or that the Fates know to watch you to make sure you are following up with your daily gambling because when you don't they will make sure THAT is the time when "your numbers" come up...

You'll see them in the Bingo Halls, too. With all their troll dolls and ink blotters mapped out in a precise order and pattern to maximize their winning potential.

Do me a favor and cross your fingers that it won't rub off on me, wouldja?

Today's Mood Is...

2010-07-16T10:47:00.001-04:00

It's Friday, beeeee-yotches!!!!

Let's PARTY!!!!!

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad...

2010-07-14T12:00:00.004-04:00

Few things if any are either ALL good or ALL bad. Most things have some kind of balance of the two. Take today, for instance. Big Jim Chinn (GolferChinn), along with Eddie "I'm impossible to nickname" the floor supervisor AND Gaza Strip Club are all at a big meeting. From the sounds of things, they will not be back for a while. And that comes with both positives and negatives.

For instance, it is a lot more relaxed in here. And except for when I am ignoring my workload by posting random blog entries, I can get work done in peace. However, The Henns (I am adding an extra "n" in their name to differentiate them from the Kernan Hens, and because this office has the Chinns it works as a theme) also have more freedom to cluck and gossip while there is no immediate oversight keeping them at bay. And to make it worse, two of the Henns like to sing and/or hum. Loudly. To no particular tune (in the case of the humming, that is). And that is detracting from my "Work Safe Music" on iTunes that I have playing at an acceptable work volume.

[milton_office_space.jpg]

It looks like Journey's Greatest Hits is going to get a bump in volume. Which is cool, because Journey is AWESOME!

Today's Mood Is...

2010-07-12T12:17:00.003-04:00

I was reminded by a certain Fineous of mine that I had not posted in a while. So I thought I should rectify that.

I really don't have much of anything to say, so I will wrap this up now. Maybe soon the muse will strike while the Chinns are not hovering about, making posting all but impossible...

Today's Mood Is...

2010-06-25T10:51:00.003-04:00

It is an interesting phenomenon (and by "interesting" I mean "something that is rattling around in my brain that I need to share with whomever feels like reading this") here in Purgatory that because one of the Brothers Chinn has a workspace in our semi-cubicle space (the other one has a private office, TYVM), whenever he is here (which varies by day dependent on weather as it pertains to the ability to golf), anyone on the phone makes it VERY APPARENT that they are working. This involves any number of possible happenings, including

keeping the phone on speaker so that EVERYONE can hear the voice prompt system and the ensuing hold music / helpful hints from Aetna, the insurance that cares (for the sake of this entry, anything in italics is sarcasm and/or bullshite)
placing the phone to your ear, but instead of using the option of keying in your selection when prompted, you instead speak loudly and with as much exasperation as you can possibly squeeze through your voicebox. So you hear "Claa-aims", and "Pro-VI-der"
and as soon as you are done on the phone, immediately telling everyone how difficult the call was by talking loudly to yourself, like an angry homeless person "The next time I ask you to look up a claim you are gonna DO IT, Jack!", and the like.

Now since I am sitting at my desk posting this, it should be obvious that Golfer Chinn is off to the races, or wherever he decided he needed to be. Golfer has 3 distinct modes of dress. If he is in "dress" clothes (usually w/out the tie while he is in here, but put on in the truck before he leaves) he is going to some kind of meeting and needs to look all PRO-fessional. Casual dress (the man does love a polo shirt) usually means golf or in and out throughout the day. Then there is today's dress. In this case it was t-shirt, jeans, and sandals. He has been known to rock the shorts, both with and w/out the ability to haul cargo as well. These are wildcard days. He might be here all day, he might be here 20 minutes, he might be in a joking mood and have fun, he might be in super serious mode and if you're smart you'll keep your nose to that proverbial grindstone. He was in for about 45 minutes to an hour today. He could be back at any time. But since Private Office Chinn hasn't come in at all today, there is a very good chance that it is clear sailing for the slackers for the remainder of the shift.

And I am completely okay with that.

Today's Mood Is...

2010-06-08T11:23:00.003-04:00

So here in Purgatory (remember, it is just like The Dungeon of Olde, except that it has windows to mock you with the freedom you are being denied by being in your assigned cubicle!), we do the billing for many different offices. I am the dental person (Gaza Strip Club had the unenviable task of trying to cover for me the 7+ months I was out, but she is back in he domain again), and it takes pretty much the entire work week EVERY week to keep up with things (minus those moments of sanity doing things like posting on your blog before your official lunch break). Approximately 99.9 out of every 100 phone calls that come in on the main line are NOT for me (since my bills all have my direct line printed on them, the vast majority of my calls come straight to me), but I will answer the phone when it rings. If it is a payment I can write down the info no problem, and other than that I usually pass that buck on to someone else and go on taking care of MY business. Well, it seems that is no longer good enough here, and now I am going to get the system installed on my computer so that I can now handle all of these calls and basically do everyone else's work, even though none of them are doing mine.

And when I am 2 weeks behind at the end of the month, they can all shut the hell up about it.

Today's Mood Is...

2010-06-01T14:30:00.003-04:00

Unless you work the 3rd shift or you have a newborn infant, you really should never have to see 4AM on a Tuesday morning. In fact, I think that should be a federal mandate.

So when there was a loud, repeated banging on our door at 4 this morning, Wifey and I were understandably confused / concerned. 4AM is never going to bring good news. Now even before all of the crap with my feet I was never all that fast, and now I am even slower. Add to that the fact that I had taken a couple of Tylenol PMs before bed (every few days I have to do that so that I can get SOME sleep), and I was not very quick to answer the call. But when I finally got upstairs, I saw my wife and Larry the Upstairs Neighbor talking to a couple of police officers. The officers were walking away as Larry walked outside, wearing only his boxers, to move his car forward a few feet.

Why in the hell would he do this?

Because the guy who lives in the house next to us is a monumental cocksucker of the first order. Apparently he arbitrarily decided that Larry "constantly" parks too close to his Precious Snowflake-mobile, and that he "is always" scratching up his bumper.

Just so you know, that is utter bullshit. Jackass is the one who will only park in certain places so that the birds don't poop on his car and the sap doesn't damage his finish (and yet the tree is in HIS front yard!). So he will park in one of his designated spots, and I have on many occasions come out to find his car parked an ass hair off of my bumper. But it is always the other person, right Cocksmoker Jones?

I don't know if I named him in the past, but even if I did THIS is now his name.

And God forbid that he try speaking to someone like a real live human being and adult. He is incapable of walking up to Larry and saying "Do you think you could possibly not park so close to me?" Nope. It's straight up "CALL THE COPS!!!!" time with Mr. Jones.

This is the same guy who threw a shit fit because I was grilling, making a point to close all of his windows and then to call the cops because of the smoke getting into his house. I gently explained to Mr. Police Officer that I had no control over the prevailing winds, so I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do in order to appease him. The officer agreed and (after turning down my offer of a cheeseburger) left without issuing me the citation Mr. Cocksmoker thought I surely deserved. He called Animal Control so many times because of the supposed dog poop that was in my yard from my dog (even though Wifey is extremely diligent about picking it up) that Animal Control put a flag in the computer about our address and that particular complaint. They will no longer come out for that called in complaint, they just tell the caller that they will take care of it and then hang up on him (kind of like Verizon!).

Well, once I had a bit of my wits about me, I told Larry that he needed to go take pictures of both his AND Cocksmoker Jones' bumpers, and that he needed to call in the morning to get the police report number. Other than that, all we can hope for is that the cops get as tired of Mr. Jones' shenanigans as Animal Control did, and they start ignoring him, too. And THEN his car gets broken into / stolen.

Sometimes it is okay to have a petty thought or two, right?

Today's Mood Is (special Memorial Day Weekend edition!!!!!!)...

2010-05-28T10:28:00.002-04:00

I know Bill gets it. Anyone else want to take a stab at it?

Today's Mood Is...

2010-05-27T16:20:00.001-04:00

Because it amused me...

2010-05-18T14:30:00.002-04:00

Which would you choose?

2010-05-18T07:44:00.002-04:00

So I had a bit of a poseur this morning. It seems that somewhere in between my walking out of the house and getting into "Can't Think of A Witty Nickname For Him Right Now" Ed's car to come to work, I got something on my hands, which I had also accidentally wiped onto my pants. For the sake of my sanity, it was decided that it was just some dirt/mud and not anything else (the possibilities are unsavory at best).

When we got to the office, I went into the men's room and washed my hands. Whatever it was came off easy enough. So now, the question I was faced with; do I leave this stuff on my pants for the remainder of the day and look dirty, or do I wash them off and look like I pissed myself, at least until they dry?

I went for the pissy pants look. And now my leg is cold, and I am very uncomfortable. But I still think that I made the right choice. What do you think?

Today's Mood Is...

2010-05-17T18:40:00.002-04:00

I was a little worried today. I thought I might have been "Milton-ed". As you learned a couple of posts ago, I am back to work now. I am still getting into the swing of things after this long, arduous trek through healthcare hell, and this past Friday I had to leave work early after my body decided that it wasn't happy with the situation as it stood. No problem. Even though I am still not driving, my boss saw that I was not feeling too good and sent me on my way with a coworker (Gaza Strip Club to be exact) giving me a ride back to Wifey.

Friday was also payday, but it is common practice to keep the check of anyone who is out on payday locked up until their next shift. Pretty standard for most companies, I would think. The only problem is, when they went to look for mine, it wasn't there.

If they had moved my desk to the basement and skipped me during an office-wide birthday party, I would not have been more surprised than I was by this development.

The snafu was solved quickly enough (someone had forgotten to cross an "I" and dot a "T" on the paperwork to put me back on the payroll) and I got my check before lunch. But for a brief moment there, I was a little concerned.

Just thought it needed to be said...

2010-05-12T14:16:00.000-04:00

Return of the Mack...

2010-05-10T14:27:00.002-04:00

Didn't get the chance to post last week (really freaking bizarre system blockage that I will have to elaborate on when I am home), but I am now officially back at work, full time.

Next, the world domination plot begins. Getcher popcorn ready, suckas!

Nobody puts Tony Stark in the corner

2010-04-23T13:14:00.000-04:00

Today's Mood Is...

2010-04-23T13:01:00.003-04:00

I can't go into details just yet, but there is something on the horizon. Something awesome in its normalcy to almost everyone else. Hopefully all will be revealed in about 10 days...

I sure hope you can wait. That is, if there is anyone still reading this damn thing anymore, which given my propensity for NOT showing up on here, is somewhat doubtful.

Today's Mood Is...

2010-04-12T14:28:00.002-04:00

Today's Mood Is...

2010-03-07T00:50:00.002-05:00

Well, I wanted chicken, and I wanted liver...

Today's Mood Is...

2010-02-19T19:35:00.003-05:00

Today has been a day filled with suck. I had an appointment for an MRI (at Advanced Radiology in White Marsh. Why am I calling them by name? Because they are one of the most suckiest things that ever sucked a sucky thing, and I want them to get all the credit they deserve) today at 10AM. My parents got here by 9 (since I am not allowed to drive right now), and we arrived at the appointment by 9:30. I was told at that time that they were running 30-45 minutes behind, which meant a good hour of sitting there.

At 11:15 I went back up to the desk to ask what was going on, and I was told that it would be another hour. At this point I tried to convince my parents and wife that they should go get something to eat, since it was going to be a while, and if I got done early I could text/call them. They decided to hit the snack shelf of the pharmacy in the building and wait it out.

When it hit 12:45, I asked again, and was told 30 minutes. At this point I didn't believe them, but I had no choice, since I needed this test before my appointment on Tuesday and I had no way of getting back there (not that they offered/mentioned that as an option).

It was around 1:30 that The Apologist came out and told me what was going on (yes, 3 and 1/2 hours after I was supposed to be seen, I was told what the delay was) and that it was going to be 15 more minutes. It seems that someone who had an earlier appointment came in late, and American Radiology in White Marsh has a policy that no patient can be turned away. But in what can only be described as a BRILLIANT BUSINESS MODEL, they also have the policy of shoehorning the late person in as quickly as possible instead of making them wait for an opening or reschedule. So that is part of why I did not get taken back until 1:55. The other part is that the late arrival kept having episodes of "I'm trapped in a tube!!!11!!", which made them restart his test OVER and OVER and OVER AGAIN.

Also, they gave me noise reducing headphones, but didn't have the ones that play music, so I had no escape during the whole uncomfortable ordeal.

And so I and Wifey finally returned home after my parents took us on a quick trip to Costco (but we didn't do much shopping because my father had limited trunk space and there are no places right now on our street to park that are not filled with giant piles of ice or random pieces of furniture. So Larry and I are going shopping after rehearsal tomorrow.

But then, just as we get home and try to start unwinding/dulling the pain, Wifey gets a phone call from Momm-o in law. Nothing major, mind you, just that she had a mini stroke and is in the hospital ER waiting to be admitted.

Parents are gone, no one is around, I can't drive, and Wifey just took some pain pills and needs to lie down because she (like me) got almost no sleep last night.

Pardon my coarse language, but yah-fucking-hoo.

Larry is on the way home to come get Wifey, take her to Momm-o in law's apartment to get her some personal items, then take her to the hospital to see Momm-o and get her valuables. Next we have to figure out tomorrow. But just in case we needed the reminder, we have to take care of today first.

Take care, y'all.

Today's Mood Is...

2010-02-15T23:50:00.000-05:00

This didn't actually happen to me, but it wouldn't surprise me if it did. For a dog that seems to think that 70 degrees is cold and that water is he mortal enemy, she sure as hell loves to play in the snow. It's bizarre, really.

Most of you know of (and have probably been living through) the insane, mind (and toe) numbing blizzards that have hit the mid-Atlantic this month. Being unable to drive, basically snowbound, I have been fighting some cabin fever (to give you an idea, I was outside on Thursday February 4th, right before the first big storm. The next time I stepped outside it was Thursday February 11th. Because of the ongoing foot issues I was basically useless and unable to do any shoveling or salting. Thankfully Wifey is strong like bull (but pH balanced for a woman!), and she along with Larry the Upstairs Neighbor dug the house out as needed.

**I am going to post some pics of my poor, poor truck in a moment, just to give anyone who isn't living through this crap an idea of the carnage**

This morning I went out back with Wifey and the Ball of Ultimate Evil (the dog). The dog had to do her dirty, sinful business and the truck needed to run for a few minutes since it wasn't being driven. This is the third time I went outside (I took a cab to the local grocery store yesterday because we were in need of some supplies. We weren't going to go all Donner Party if I hadn't, but it was pleasant enough to replenish some of the perishables and it afforded me a chance to get the sausage needed for the pancakes and sausage for Shrove Tuesday dinner (yay!!!!).

Now if only I could get Wifey to go to bed before 4 or 5 in the morning. I am beginning to think that she is a Vampire Robot Cylon. So light a candle for me, wouldja?

Pictures of my poor, poor, trapped truck...

2010-02-15T23:45:00.000-05:00

with any luck, I'll be able to get her out of there by mid-April...

Today's Mood Is...

2010-01-30T23:17:00.003-05:00

Sometimes the picture pretty much says it all. But if you must know, it is in reaction to THIS.

Today's Mood Is...

2010-01-18T22:28:00.002-05:00

I got 2 turntables and a cat at home!

Today's Mood Is...

2010-01-14T17:28:00.003-05:00

So Nurse McConaughey stopped by today, as he does every day (his real name is Adam, but on his first visit he actually said "all right all right" in response to my answer to one of his questions, and his fate was sealed). This morning the wound vacuum arrived. This thing is now attached to my foot, on top of the hole which is where my toe used to be. It applies negative pressure, sucking out any fluid / drainage and causing the wound to close up from the bottom up, encouraging new, healthy tissue growth. At least, that is how Cowabunga McBongo Nurse explained it to me. Also (judging it from his reaction when he opened the box and saw the brand / unit and his subsequent chatter whilst he unpacked my device) it is a top of the line, most respected and fasted working wound vacuum out of the multitude of options available (not being a connoisseur of wound vacuums I will take him at his word).

The whole thing is more than a little off-putting, to tell you the truth. I am glad for anything that makes all of this go away faster (30-40% faster according to Surfer Nurse), and gets me closer to getting the skin graft that will close this chapter of my life (and this extraneous hole on my body), but listening to this thing going is annoying, and...

**DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE IMMEDIATELY BEFORE, DURING, OR AFTER EATING**

...watching the fluid run through the hose is not leading me to want to run to the kitchen for din-din.

I am trying to keep myself in as good of spirits as possible. I am really looking forward to Drop Three rehearsal this Saturday, as it will be the first "normal" thing I have done in quite a long time. And there is a Ravens playoff game Saturday night, so that should make for a fun day (and hopefully evening). Hopefully I will be able to grasp the concept of dinner before I have to take my meds again (the meds on an empty stomach = bad moons rising). Cross your fingers, y'all.

Today's Mood Is...

2010-01-06T17:46:00.003-05:00

So, this is my last night with 10 toes.

The latest health rigamarole is an infection I got in my foot that has apparently spread into the bone of my left big toe. After 3 hospital stays in 2 different hospitals (for my MD peeps, if you have to go to a hospital for anything other than an outpatient procedure, I am going to recommend Mercy over UMMC, if only for the food. The food at Mercy was actually pretty darn decent, and they even give you real plates and silverware! Those Sisters of Mercy know how to treat an invalid!), and one surgery already, I am now going in to lose about 4 ounces of weight the easy way. While unconscious!

I am okay with the whole thing, really. And to tell you the truth, I am kind of surprised at how unbothered I am by the whole thing. Wifey is making me my last meal as a whole person. She is making me wings and fries, and we might order cheesesteaks. Of course, since I am not going to be in any mood to cook this weekend (and even though my Mom is bringing over some homemade soup!!!), maybe we will hold off on the cheesesteaks for Saturday or Sunday (NFL playoffs ALL WEEKEND!!).

After this, the next step will be physical therapy so I can re-learn how to walk once I am no longer whole. And then, I begin training for the marathon.

The marathon of the Golden Corral chow line on bacon wrapped steak night.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

2009-12-25T10:01:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas, y'all!

Big Shirtless Ron

A REAL po'boy

Here There Be Spiders!

If You

I Love It When

Sorry Ramadan-ing Co-Worker

It's Like Manna For My Mind

Why Yes, it HAS Been A While

Today's Office Is...

I Am The Repeated Story About Jack's Pubic Hair

I'm Here To Help

Yeah, it's been a while

An Open Letter To Mrs. Holton (sp?) from United Concordia

I hate this feeling

Just Wanted To Let You Know

I Really Can't Blame Them

An Open Letter to Whoever In The Office Keeps Leaving The Dishwashing Sponge On Top Of The Clean Dishes In The Dish Strainer

An Open Letter To Karen The Surgery Scheduling Lady

An Open Letter To Blue Diamond Almonds

1st Thought On A Thursday

Why no, I *DON'T* have anything else going on in my life

French Fries Are The Devil

Geeking Out Over History

Today's Mood Is...

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented

Today's Mood Is...

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented

Today's Reason

Today's Mood Is...

Im'ma try sumthin

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented...

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented...

A Brand New Feature

Today's Mood Is...

Friday Funday

Because being the "Crazy Old Woman Who Says Inappropriate Things All The Time" lady wasn't good enough...

Today's Mood Is...

Today's Mood Is...

Today's "Ric Romero" moment

Today's "First Thing In The Morning" Dose of Obviousness

Things I Am Betting That I Heard Out Of Context While Walking Back To My Cubicle While Trying To Wait Out The End Of My Workday/Week...

So I *HAVE Been Doing It Wrong All These Years...

Happy Halloween, y'all!!

Today's "Stuck In The Office On A Sunny Friday Afternoon" Mood Is...

Today's Mood Is...

Today's BONUS "Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Wife (The Taken Out Of Context Edition)"

Today's "I Didn't Need To Hear A 60 Something Year Old Woman Say That" Moment Is...

My Job Is Turning Me Into Seinfeld

Today's Mood Is...

Last Night's Nugget of Wawa Wisdom...

Today's "That's What She Said" Moment Is...

Today's Mood Is...

English for the English impaired

More Words You Don't Want To Hear From The 60-Something Year Old Woman Who Works In Your Office

Brain soap, please

Today's Bright and Early on a Monday Morning Mood Is...

Today's Nugget of Office Wisdom

Today's Mood Is...

Today's Morbo Moment Is...

Today's Mood Is...

Today's Mood Is...

Tomorrow makes 5 years

Today's Nugget of Office Wisdom

BONUS PRIMARY RESULTS / GETTING READY FOR NOVEMBER MOOD:

Today's Nugget of Office Wisdom

Today's Nugget of Office Wisdom

Today's Mood Is...

Today's Mood Is...

SALMA HAYEK THREAD!!!!

Most of us Know Someone Like This

Today's BONUS Mood Is...

Without rules, we have nothing

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

Today's Mood Is...

Bringing back an old favorite

Today's Mood Is...

Today's Mood Is...

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad...

Today's Mood Is...

Today's Mood Is...

Why no, I DON'T have anything else going on in my life