Today's Mood Is...

I have to word this one carefully. Bullseye Inc. is VERY sensitive to the possibility of not-approved information being leaked into public. Add to that the inherent sensitivity of the fact that I have to respect the rights of criminals and victims, and you get to the tap dancing that has begun my post. But I am going to soldier on, and if I get fired, I expect all of you to donate heavily and regularly to my cause (that cause being the needs to pay mortgage and buy groceries and all that crap).

SO... we have a couple of different programs that we use to enter information about incidents that happen at the store, be they external or internal, cut and dried or ongoing investigations, so forth and so on. We can do searches on these programs. Usually you enter the store number that you are searching for and then give it whatever other parameters you want in order to get what you are looking for. 9 times out of 10, you are searching for your own store, or another in your group or district. Well, if you remove ALL store number information you can pull info for all the stores. ALL of them. Of course, if you don't REALLY narrow down your other parameters, the computer will tell you that there are too many records to display if you put all stores. Well, the other day I was eating my lunch / dinner (whatever the hell you want to call that break), and I was just scanning not approved reports for the entire company on a day by day basis. I find that reading through those makes my own report filing better (seeing other's mistakes and not repeating them). Just like reading through other stores incidents over any period of time shows what trends might be happening in the district, something that might otherwise escape notice. But I digress...

I am scanning through these reports, and I see one that catches my eye. I open it up to read the narrative, and THAT is where it gets weird...

**I need to make it clear now that what was occurring in the store was not funny. But the report WAS funny. At least to me. Make your own judgement**

There was a man in a store that I can safely say is at least one good day's drive away from where I live / work. This man was walking around the store, specifically in the men's clothing area. And it seems that he was walking about exposing himself. This was seen by an off-duty police officer, who alerted store security and also assisted in detaining this man once the authorities were notified and had arrived. By all accounts, the situation was handled quickly and professionally. Maybe that is why the report made me almost spit coffee all over the screen while gut laughing.

I understand the need to use technical and / or medical terms when discussing this kind of incident or entering a report about it. I also know that not everyone has the gift / ability to have a lot of words at their disposal. I know that a lot of people rely on Spellcheck in order to catch any mistake that might otherwise slip through. Yes, I know all that. But still, there are things that can get past Spellcheck, things that are spelled correctly if not used correctly. And that is what happened in this report. For you see...

The man was walking around men's clothing exposing his gentiles.

Now, that is not a DIRECT quote, in that I did not print it out nor did I memorize it. But on a number of occasions, the phrase "exposing his gentiles" was used (now the picture makes a little bit of sense, right?).

Usually we just get a description with height, weight, etc. This was MUCH more precise and detailed.

BSR

Just a couple of things on my mind...

In no particular order...

• I am always bothered when I have something like pizza for dinner, and the next morning my farts smell like a root cellar. I know there were no unwashed potatoes or carrots in my meal. Why are they in my farts?
• Put your fucking collar down. You look stupid. Seriously, who the hell decided that popped collars needed to come back?
• Also, if you spend time and money trying to make your hair looked mussed up like you just got out of bed, you are a moron. Again, I know I am old and out of touch. But if that means that I don't understand $50 haircuts that look look like rat's nests on purpose, than I am happy to be out of the loop.

That is all for now. I just needed to get those off of my chest

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

With a side order of...

The first pic is one of a kid from England (who it seems is a huge Harry Potter freak) who found a traffic cone and put it on his head. Then it got stuck. And they had to call the fire department to cut it off of him. The thing that I love about it is that the parents thought to snap a pic of the kid while waiting for him to be freed. And then sent it into the newspaper. HAH!

It is even more poignant to me because when I was about the same age as that kid, I got my head stuck in the railing at the new house we had just moved into. At the old house I could stick my head through the railing no problem, but here it was apparently a different story. I am not going to get into ALL the home remedies that my mother and the lady who lives in the house that abuts our back yard tried (but I will admit that butter was involved. Or to be more precise, margarine. Which I am pretty sure is one of the reasons I cannot stand the stuff now) before eventually calling the fire department at our locale, who used some crowbars or the jaws of life or whatever to get me free. 30 years later I can laugh about it, especially now that I don't see the aforementioned lady on a regular basis (to tell the God's honest truth, I love her to death, and she and her family have been true friends to our family for 30+ years. But that being said, her constant reminders of the day when I was 3 and got my head stuck in a railing, as well as when I was a kid and used to pronounce iced tea as "hiced tea", something I learned to correct through school and self imposed voice training, well, it could get a bit grating after a while).

Now on to the Borgnine. Asian Mustard Lady just stopped by (remember her?). Within 10 seconds I was longing for JabberJaws (because JJ I can block out pretty easily, or at least direct her inane, constant banter on someone else with a well placed statement / question. It is kind of like a game, like pass the potato, but with a blathering human as the root vegetable). First of all, she speaks in a very cloying tone. Second, she snaps her gum and chews with her mouth open. That is another one of those things that I got from my parents, but this one I don't mind nearly as much. If you are in a field chewing cud, go ahead and chew with your mouth open. If you are not, close your damn trap. It is up there with people scuffing their feet when they walk. DAMN that annoys me. But finally, every time she sees me she asks me if Wifey is pregnant. But she does it in that annoying, cutesy way that makes me want to kick her in the ovaries so SHE can't spawn any more future annoying little bastards. She asks how EVERYBODY in my family is doing (sometimes one at a time just to prolong my agony), then starts asking if I have any news. I answer that I do not. Then she asks at least 2 or 3 more times just to make sure I know what she is talking about (because she is so fraggin' subtle). By the 3rd variation on the theme, while she stands there leaning on my cubicle walls cracking her damn Satan gum and invading my personal space, it is ovary-kicking time. So far I have abstained from going American History X on her internal X's, but I cannot guarantee future deferment if this continues.

It is 1, and I need to go get another cup of coffee (slight insomnia last night). I might post again later. Might not.

Today's Mood Is...

With a side order of...

...leading me to react thusly...

...which causes THIS reaction...

Yes yes yes. Back in Moleville, back with the Mother Cluckers who must prattle on and on about EVERY DAMN THING THAT FILLS THEIR TINY LITTLE MINDS!!!!!!

While being subjected to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack (specifically Eric Carmen and Patrick Swayze in an ad infinitum loop of nausea-inducing wonderfulness), one of the cluckers has felt the need to tell EVERYBODY who walks in that the new Tyler Perry movie did well this weekend. Of course, she has no information regarding the movie's weekend numbers, she just knows that it did well, and she needs to make sure that everybody else knows that too (I know how easy it would be to look up the numbers. I do not care and will not do it). She is also talking about how Mr. Perry and Janet Jackson were on some program (no idea what), and someone called in and referenced Janet's infamous Nipple Slip/Wardrobe Malfunction. And it seems that to the cluckers that was completely uncalled for. It is in the past, and it was rude to bring it up now. I also learned that if everybody hadn't started talking about it when it happened that it would never have become a big deal because who really saw it?

It was the freaking Super Bowl you moron. On an off year 50 million people in the United States ALONE watch it! Just because your dumb-ass doesn't watch football doesn't mean that the rest of the world doesn't!!! ARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about that.

BTW - Currently playing over on the Casey Kasem Long Distance Dedication Channel (which is where ALL of these songs ended up within 6 months of their release) - Crystal Gayle-Brown Eyes Blue

Death is beginning to look like a viable option.

So anyway, along with all of this, the discussion of Patrick Swayze during Eric Carmen (which was begat from "Is that Patrick Swayze?" "No, it's Eric Carmen. But don't you worry, Patrick Swayze is coming up soon. Don't you worry". I am fairly confident that NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF MAN has ever said "don't you worry, Patrick Swayze is coming up soon". Has their ever been anyone so panicked and in need of a Swayze fix that they had to be soothed and coddled by the thought of his singing voice coming soon, and this actually did calm the person down? Is their a medical term for this? Is it okay if my spine has started to eat my brain in a vainglorious but ultimately unsuccessful attempt to save me from this?), the topic of Patrick Swayze's brother came up. Yes, he has a brother. Yes, it seems that he performs. I have no idea if he has talent on a Michael Penn level or a Frank Stallone level. I DO think that there needs to be some kind of graph for famous sibling talent that has Frank Stallone on one end and Michael Penn on the other, with various reference points in between. Can someone design this for me please? Does anyone have any suggestions on who should be slotted in the middle and where? Or do you think that the top and bottom dogs need to be replaced. Let's talk it out people!!

I digresses a little there...

So, there was talk of the Brother Swayze. And some debate of whether or not he existed. I still don't know the final answer (again, not caring enough to look it up). And THIS is what led us to the MASSIVE discussion on Julia Robert's brother Eric. It seems he was in a movie. You know that one with the gangsters that had that woman in it...

...when it is my mother in law who is trying to describe someone or some movie that way, I will grin and bear it and endeavor to do my best to decipher what the hell she is talking about. That is one of the jobs of a son in law. But when it is an annoying coworker prattling on and on about every DAMN thing, I can only take but so much.

Just so you know, right now we are talking about that famous guy who went out with his girlfriend and was filming a nature special and it seems he got mauled by a bear REAL bad. And now we are wondering what bear is the meanest, be it grizzly, brown, black, or polar. I am pretty sure the answer is Dick Butkus. I am going to start crying now.

I promise you that one day I am coming in with a tape recorder and just taping ALL the inane bullshiat that gets said (and played) around here. I might need to use it as Defense Evidence 1 in my trial.

For the love of God, they aren't shutting up. NOW they are discussing how they don't understand how anyone can go mountain climbing. Well, I am about 15 minutes away from grabbing a pick axe and a rope and heading for the Appalachians myself. And maybe it is the rage over being subjected to this never-ending conversation that I am having to suppress talking, but the main clucker laughs like Barney Rubble. At a higher pitch, but still... Barney fraggin' Rubble. I can't take anymore, I am really about 5 minutes from snapping.

NP - Extreme-More Than Words. My cerebellum just exploded.

Wrapping up now so that I can get the holy hell out of here. I am going to try and update the Sports Blog tomorrow, some football and possibly a little baseball discussion.

BSR

Pa Pa Pants Man!!!!!

I cannot possibly do anything that could do this justice. I am now humbled by the sheer brilliance.

Today's Mood Is...

I am hoping that all 3 pics show up on the post. Teh Blogger is acting teh wacky.

On a personal, whoring myself out for attention note, I have FINALLY updated Another Damn Sports Blog. I think that Things Found in My Spam is going to die, unless there is some massive groundswell for it's continued being and updating.

Auditions went well. I think that we found some quality, and a couple real diamonds in the rough. We will see what happens, but for now I am cautiously optimistic.

Complete tangent. Yesterday (or maybe it was Saturday) Larry the Upstairs Neighbor mentioned hearing "Cantaloop" by Us3 on the radio. This afternoon while driving back from running an errand on my lunch break, I heard the song on the radio. And I have to say...

THAT SONG STILL FREAKIN' RULES!!!!!

Damn, what a great little slice of music. Why the hell didn't that band make it bigger than they did?

Okay, after burning a lot of time on the sports entry, and more over here, I really need to get to work. But at least you have the possibility of 3 whole pictures to look at!

YAY!!!!!!

I think the Boomtown Rats would have been a more appropriate selection

I appreciate a wide mixture of musical styles. However, Doral Dental has decided to change their hold music to something that would make Kenny G nauseous and sleepy. I am not doing well as I spend my 17th straight minute on hold because "Dennis" (not his real name) can't figure out that the difference in time between October and May is longer than 6 months.

But since I started typing that last sentence, "Dennis" came back and told me that October to May IS in fact longer than a 6 month interval, so the claim is being reprocessed. HUZZAH! And I was able to turn the music that I have streaming from teh interweb back up to an audible level. Thank GOD hat 100.7 is streaming online now. Current selection - Bon Jovi.

And also, whenever I hear "Livin' On A Prayer", when Richie Sambora (or whichever fool is doing this particular guitar part) starts up with the Peter Frampton-esque "whuu-WHAA-whuu" (the thing like when the Frampster did "Do You Feel" like his guitar was talking and 5,000,000 guys sitting in their respective basements stoned out of their friggin' minds SUDDENLY and SIMULTANEOUSLY became convinced that the guitar WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO THEM!!!!!!!!), I have to mouth (or lip synch, as it were) that guitar part. Don't ask me why, for I have no explanation. But I must. And I was. And now I feel better for having done it.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

Who needs noob winks when you has the charisma?

Not me.

NO NEED TO PANIC!!!!!!!!

Okay, less than 24 hours until the big auditions, and the machine is barrelling along with no signs of slowing down. There are a bunch of things that I would love to tell you about right now, but alas, I cannot. Probably I won't be able to fill you in for quite a while. But when the time comes, you will know all the sordid details. And then you will know why I am ready to yell and pull out my hair. Or yours, if you get too close.

Still kinda sick, but feeling a little better. Mebbe I will be feeling better soon once my new health insurance kicks in.

You know, I work with insurance companies a lot (mayhap I have mentioned this before?). And still, the machinations that one must deal with to get the insurance correct is mind boggling. For instance...

Wifey gets laid off. Okay. We were both on her health insurance, I had waived mine at the hospital. So when Wifey gets the boot, they tell her that part of her severance package is that the insurance will cover her until the end of September (the 30th, the last time I checked). So on October 2nd, I go to the hospital's HR department to add Wifey and myself to the insurance there (the 30 days after major life change trumping the "you must wait until open enrollment, which by cosmic law is as far as humanly possible from the time of the major life event, no matter when said lefe event occurs). I take in the letter given in to Wifey saying "Your job here? Thanks but no thanks. Signed, the suxors!", which clearly states insurance through 9/30. Still, I get a call today saying that it was longer than 30 days, but they can still probably squeak us in. Umm, what? Also, they need a copy of the marriage certificate. Umm, what redux? Isn't the copy you got when you added her to my dental plan enough? Response...NO ASSHAT! NOW BRING IT TO ME!!!!!!

I might have paraphrased there.

Anyway, someone else in HR got ahold of the folder with the big sticky note saying "We is confuzed here", and looked at it. Now all is supposedly right with the world and Wifey and I are again prepared for the next major health concern. Which, according to my calculations, is in approximately 17 minutes.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

...see, what had happened is...

...with a side order of...

I am sick. I have auditions for the biggest personal undertaking save for getting married that I have ever even entertained the thought of taking on in two days. And my dog is apparently channeling Apache Chief and growing at an exponential rate (click on puppy pic for full massive-ity goodness). So basically...

"...my nuts are halfway up my ass, but other than that I'm PERFECT!!!!!!!!"

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

I am being held hostage by the Lite FM.

One of the little Mother Cluckers (the Hens. I just wanted to be slightly risque) is currently jamming out to whatever Lite rock station she found on the interwebs.

So far I have been subjected to...

Richard Marx - Hold On To The Night
Lee Ann Rimes - How Can I Live Without You
Chicago - You're the Inspiration
some cover/remake of Ain't No Mountain High Enough
Kenny G - I do not know the name of that one damn song that was popular, but I know I hate it
Luther Vandross - Dance For My Father (Dance With My Father? Whatever the hell the song is they released after he died)

It isn't going to end anytime soon. But I have had my own little modicums of revenge. I made chili last night (I might have mentioned that yesterday, but after 15 posts, I cannot remember any damn thing I put out there). I have been percolating all night and all morning. And this morning I have ripped about 7-8 little stink bombs that I have dropped all around the office, making sure to leave them in enough places that no one can be completely sure who the culprit is. But I know for a fact that my chair is branded now.

Taste my wrath bitches! (and taste my dinner too!)

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

Actually, it's not true. Today was pretty successful, all things considered. I got up and finished the yard work, then poured some drain cleaner down the kitchen sink in order to get that flowing better (oooh, check out the manual laborer). Mix that in with some working from home and general busyness, and today was much more success than fail.

But that picture is TOO DAMN FUNNY.

Right now I am sitting at the computer (WARNING - OBVIOUSNESS ALERT!) at home, waiting for Wifey to come home from shopping (apologies to C3PO the Translator Lawyer Droid for leaving him high and dry without any backup tonight). Wifey had to go shopping to get the remaining pieces for her outfit for the wedding of Lithuanian Lass and the Irish Computer Programmer (or whatever the hell it is that he does. I know he is smart and makes good money. Yet even with all that I still like him. I guess I am growing up after all). She needed shoes and a corset. And right now, all I want is a pre-wedding fashion show. And if I don't get one, you are going to have one very unhappy BSR sulking about the house.

I just went to get a drink, and as I was walking past the front door, Wifey was pulling up. So I am going to wrap this up, but just to make it clear...

I get a show or Wifey gets a cold shoulder to sleep next to.

BSR

When you have to kick out someone with MPD...

...you better be ready to share the story with the world.

Saturday I had to open at Bullseye Inc. (I needed Tues., Thurs., and Sat. nights off, so I had to make a compromise). I was talking to a guest when I get a report of an old lady dancing around the store, randomly lifting up her shirt to just below "Danger Will Robinson" levels, and spitting out curse words. Well, to say the least, I was intrigued. So I go to check it out, and lo and behold, the report was spot on. So I go up to the "nice" lady and tell her that we value her business but I needed her to stop flashing the toys and to stop cursing. She said she hadn't realized that she WAS cursing, but she would stop immediately. As soon as I turned around (and before I had taken a single step), she called me a

*****BAD LANGUAGE ALERT!!!! CURSE WORDS AHEAD!!!!!!*****

motherfucker. So I told her that she had to go. This is what brought on the spectacle of me leading her out of the store, with her cussing me out, then cussing herself out for picking on the nice boy doing her job. The whole time she was speaking in the second person, telling herself to shut up "You be quiet, he's just doing his job". "Fuck you, he's an asshole and so are you!".

Mind you, none of this was being directed at me.

After I got her out of the store, I received a report from someone walking in that a crazy lady was walking out in front of traffic and cussing at everyone. Even though I wasn't a math major in college, I was able to add this particular 2+2. So I went out to find her. She was sitting on some steps, sorting out her condiment packets (that she had taken from the snack area of the store. She looked up and saw me, then called me a (and remember, this is a direct quote) "nigger white trash". Impressive pedigree, no? Well she wasn't done. A few seconds later she said that I was a "nigger motherfucking fascist pig". By that time I had alerted someone in the store to call 911. She grabbed a handful of the mayonnaise and mustard packets that she had spent considerable time organizing, threw them at me, and marched off into the parking lot, where the only thing that kept her from being an addition to the nearby speed bump was the anti-lock brakes on the SUV that she walked right in front of.

The last I heard she was in front of the local high school flashing passers-by. I think the cops got her. But I am not sure.

I love my job.

And This Is A Picture Of Her

You ever...

...have one of those days where you realized you haven't posted on your blog for the better part of the month, and suddenly you start posting crap and the next thing you know you've put up 15 posts in one night?

I know I have.

Why the hell is it this hot?

It is less than a week until October. It got to 92 degrees today. WTF Mother Nature?!?!?

So, in order to try and cool myself down, I decided to reminisce about my birthday weekend in Maine last year. These are some of the pics I took with the digital camera that I bought specifically for the trip. I love that house in the first picture (I may have mentioned that previously. If I did, oh well. I want it. Deal with it), and the mountain with the snow trail just looks SOOO nice. I also love how clean the water is (the pic of the rocks).

I don't feel any cooler, but I do feel better.

BSR

It's scary how easily the figure gets into this pose, ain't it?

This is one of the reasons that I was always more of a Marvel kid growing up. It's just too easy.

Enough With The Damn Suspense Already

Okay, here goes...

After an 8+ year run, the Early Monday Morning Show is going to be no more. At least as far as live shows go. We will still be around, working on new and exciting projects. But stage will be ending as of this coming June. So why am I still in such a good mood? Because Larry the Upstairs Neighbor and I are not done with live shows, and we aren't going to go it alone. Behold the birth of the latest and soon to be greatest improv/sketch comedy troupe in the history of EVER!!!! Ladies and Gentlemen and Translator Lawyer Robots, I give you...

DROP THREE!!!!!

(Yes, I put the link up twice. Sue me)

...That's right, we are branching off with the full blessing of my comedy life partner and quasi-adopted big brother and starting our own troupe. And I expect all of you that can possibly make it to a show to do so. And when you come to the show, I expect you to laugh. But also, and just as important, I expect all of you to come out to one of EMMS' final shows. You know you want to. Hell, you NEED to. IF you have never seen us, you need to. If it has been awhile, you need to see us again. A bunch of times.

And a special note to Fineous...

I know that you are busy, what with the wife and the job and the baby. But if you are available on October 6th, from 1-5, why don't you come on out to the first ever DROP THREE AUDITIONS!!! Yup, right at the Mobtown Theatre, where EMMS has been performing its magic for the last 5 (or is it 6) years, Drop Three is having auditions. Talent will trump experience, although having both is a nice thing.

If any of the rest of you want to come out, please do. But I want to extend an open, see it in print before the masses request for the Finster. C3PO, we've already talked about this, so you know I want you there too.

Gimme a HELL YEAH!


BSR

The Lion King-Crank Dat Soulja Boy

This one was second on the list, but it didn't post correctly. So now they are all out of order. And that makes me sad. But not as sad as Walt Disney must be right now. I am betting that as you read this, he is rolling over in his cryogenic chamber.

HAH! Popsicle person humor!

Soulja Boy Pooh

THIS is the one that started it all.

Alvin and The Chipmunks-Crank Dat Soulja Boy

All right, this one is just fraggin freaky. Gangsta rap on helium. I need to go find my happy place now.

Dora the Explorer ( Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Are you sick of the song yet? At all? If these weren't all cracking me the hell up, I probably would be by now.

Crank Dat Soulja Boy w/ Barney!!!

Oh, we're not done yet. Keep going my little minions.

Crank Dat Soulja Boy Spongebob

Your next selection.

Crank dat Soulja Boy-Family Guy

Now you've watched them all. Time to vote. Please make your choice and put it on today's "Today's Mood Is..."

Thank you very much for participating in the democratic process.

I would hate to be called a liar

I did a quick count after putting up my last post, and realized that it was in fact 14 posts, not 15. So I wanted to make sure that I covered all my bases.

YAY for attention to detail!

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

Today's Mood Is...

Well, I know I set my alarm. It is automatic unless I specifically turn it off. So the alarm went off this morning. However, it had absolutely no effect on my level of consciousness. I know this for a fact because I was still asleep when Wifey (who is currently playing video games and trying to get me to join her in the other room - she has been threatening violence against me for the last hour or so and is currently trying to pop my head like a 14 year old with a zit using her arms as some kind of organic vise - but I am fighting the good fight) woke me up with the question "are you going to work today?". Well, I planned to, but apparently while the spirit was willing the flesh was weak. So here I sit, taking a break from working from home and typing to you, my loyal minions. And I am glad to see that readership is increasing, judging by the number of comments in my 2 week absence from posting. Hi all! A big welcome to For The Defense, who is also known around here as C-3PO the translator lawyer. And I am glad to see Shorty is still alive and well, and Just Me is back from the blogging dead too! Joy all around!

As for Fineous and his request to spill the beans...soon, my friend. Very soon. I will break the news as soon as I know it is economically viable. No later than another week or two tops. Heck Reese my boy, I might even ask you to join in the frivolity that ensues. Curious now, aint'cha?

Beer Pork on Rosh Hashanah

Quick note before I get attacked by the masses, that is how it is spelled on Google, and I don't think spellcheck works on the title, so it stays that way.

Wifey is a spiritual mutt. By that I mean that she has some Protestant and some Jewish in her (and sometimes some Scottish. HEY NOW!). So we celebrate all kinds of holidays around here. The menorah next to the Christmas tree and all that. However, I have not had any real experience with the Jewish holidays, and don't think to mark them on my calendar. So last night I decided to make some pork loin that I had defrosted. Wifey ate it and never said a word (until today when she admitted that it probably wasn't the best idea. Of course, she can't be TOO much of a practicing Jew since she eats bacon like an aardvark eats ants. I fully expect to come home one day to find a greasy mirror and razor blade on the coffee table and a Wifey laying on the couch doing her best Brad Pitt in True Romance impression ("okay, you go out there, and you make a right. And you go. And you keep going..."). Wifey seems to think that the beer pork (called that because I cooked it in a mixture that included beer, but I am fairly certain that over an hour in a 350 degree oven cooked off that little bit of alcohol) is what made me slumber so deeply. I think it was just that I was exhausted and in need of some quality coma time.

Honestly, I just wanted to use that title. The post itself is pretty much inconsequential, and I have no way to wrap it up in any sardonic form, so I am just going to end it here and go on with my life. Until the next post, that is.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

Oh boy, do I have something to tell you all. Really big news.

But I can't. Not just yet anyway. But very soon.

In like 2 or 3 days or so.

BIG BIG news.

Just wait my minions. It will be worth it.

BSR

Jerry Falwell was RIGHT

Shit like this never happened on Mr. Rogers. I'm just saying...

Oh yeah, I forgot...

Yes, it is in fact about 5 minutes of 3 in the morning and I am awake. Why? Lots of reasons. My legs are hurting to the point that having them elevated is beyond painful. I had an ulcer burst this evening and it is not being a nice open sore.

(I hope you aren't reading this over breakfast/lunch/dinner)

Add to that the big announcement that is pending, which is swirling around in my brain, and you have a classic case of insomnia part deux. Yuck.

But it is amazing the things that you think of when you are awake at 3 in the morning. There is an added benefit to Wifey's getting axed by that ungrateful bitch of a boss (nope, still not bitter, tyvm). What is that benefit, you ask? Well, I'll tell you...

THE BOOB THIEF CAN NO LONGER POISON MY WIFE WITH DROOLING CUTENESS WHILE FEELING HER UP AND BASICALLY DESTROYING MY CHANCES OF GETTING LUCKY THAT NIGHT!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

So, there is that silver lining that they always talk about. How sweet is that? Very sweet.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

Will YOU hold my lamp for me, please? K Thnx bai!

I had the thought of putting NSFW on the top of this, but the pic would have loaded anyway right next to the NSFW. Besides, I don't know if it is all that bad. Hell, it got through the uber-OSS-esque filters here at job 1 (where things like ARTICLES about fantasy football get blocked. grrrrrrrrr).

And honestly, the only reason I posted it is because it is absurd. Seriously, how is that supposed to be sexy? Yes, I can see butt crack, and what looks to be the bottom of a rather puffy aureole (which I have never been a fan of. Hard nipples, YES. Puffy aureoles, not so much), but that is all looking past the obvious problem here...

YOU HAVE A FRIGGING LAMP UP YOUR ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, technically it isn't UP her ass. But that is close enough. Now if that was an actual lamp (meaning she was actually made out of lamp), I would be tempted to buy it, if only to trump Ralphie's father. If she were to light up also, it would move into "must-own" territory. But some random borderline attractive female holding my lamp with the power of her glutes is not my idea of sexy. It is like an IKEA ad gone horribly wrong...

"Do you feel bad for the lamp? Then you are stupid! The lamp does not have feelings..."

IKEA - Unporning

I hope some of you get that.

Anyway, I need to move on, but before I go, I really hope that Wifey is reading this and knows not to get any ideas of copying this in an ill-fated attempt to arouse me. It won't work. Plus, all we have around the house is ceiling lights, most with fans. And that would just end badly if she tried to copycat off of this image. Really, REALLY badly.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

...with a side order of...

Okay, it is no big secret to the vast majority of readers here (at last count, "vast majority"=7) that Wifey got released from the shackles of her employer on Friday. I don't know if it is classified as "fired", or "laid off", whichever would give you a severance package. Of course, the lady who decided that her services were no longer required has been dealt a shit storm in response. Others in the company have apparently railed on her pretty hard. Ha.

To make it even more fun, she starts sending out this pre-emptive email to those who might not have heard of the unceremonious canning stating that Wifey "chose to move on", or some damn thing to put the blame off of herself. Uh-huh. You are guilty ogf being a "See You In Toledo" (don't get it? ask me for an explanation).

Now Wifey is okay with it all. There had been a lot of undue stress and bullshit piling up on her recently. And add to that the severance package, the ability to temp and get odd jobs (and hopefully pull off an audition or two that throws more than the usual pittance at the performers), savings and unemployment, and it isn't like we are going to be applying for food stamps and government cheese anytime soon. So all that together means that it might be the best thing that could have happened. We will have to wait and see.

Honestly, I am not plotting any revenge. Seriously. And I am definitely not asking any Ronnettes (2 of which came over to a house that just lost an entire income stream and proceeded to mooch a home cooked meal off of us, so they owe us!) to forward me any kind of vehicle information for any kind of guilty party. I would never even intimate that, thank you very much. I DO NOT CONDONE ANYONE AT THE OFFICE THERE SABOTAGING HER LUNCH!! Don't do that! And for God's sake no one had better start a campaign of practical jokes designed to drive her so crazy that she has to quit while she goes someplace for "rest and relaxation", like maybe some place that rhymes with Deppard-Tratt. DO NOT ask me for suggestions on how to pull of this slow, grueling torture. I have no need to assist anyone in that endeavor.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

I have no delusions that I am anything but a big fat guy. It is true, no need to sugar coat it (but it does make it tastier). I am fat. I am losing weight, slowly but surely. But right now I am big big mofo.

So I am at work last night at Bullseye Inc. when the manager (oh, excuse me, the Leader On Duty, or LOD for short. Not too fascist/totalitarian, is it?) came up to me and said that since the store was projecting to beat the sales goal for the day by about $50,000, and since we were understaffed and everyone was working their collective tails off and getting a little frustrate by the sheer enormity of the night that he was going to buy dinner for the store (before you think he was being too magnanimous, he petty cashed it out). He was asking me what we could do besides the usual pizza (which is the default and usually the option chosen), when he said that what he really wanted was a McDonald's double cheeseburger (actually he said he could go for 2 or 3, but I didn't want to make him out to sound like a glutton right out of the gates). I said I could go for that myself, sometimes a greasy McDonald's burger hits the spot just right, even if Wendy's and Burger King taste better (I don't know if I ever sang the praises of Wendy's "Baconnater" sandwich. I am pretty sure that I have, but in case I haven't...YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). So he starts to call around to the approximately 247 McDonald's in a 1/2 mile radius from the store, but every time he gets laughed at. It seems that people don't ever call in orders for 75 sandwiches (he decided on 50 double cheeseburgers and 25 McChickens with no mayo to account for everybody getting two sandwiches and a few wanting three - like himself and me). Finally, on the 63rd call, he gets a manger who tells him that she can't pre-make the order because it sounds too much like a crank call, but if we go in they would be glad to fill the order.

So he sends me.

I walk in and go to the counter. The young lady asks me for my order. I say "50 double cheeseburgers and 25 McChickens with no mayo".

At this time I would like to make it clear that they were not that busy, and in fact when I walked in there was no one at the counter and only 3 tables being utilized, all with people already eating.

I give her my order, and she looks right at me and says "Will that be for here or to go?"

Like I said, I know I am a big guy. I can accept that. I have no illusions. But I never in my life thought I was big enough that a complete stranger thinking that I could eat 75 sandwiches in one sitting. Apparently I was wrong.

Honestly, the question dumbfounded me a bit, so I just stared at her for a moment, then did the only thing I could do. I told her "for here, and can I get a small Diet Coke? I'm trying to watch my caloric intake". This confused her. I know she is young, and this is probably her first job, but like Bill Engvall says, "Here's your sign".

Luckily, the manager was behind her, and she has a sense of humor. She walked over to the cashier, gently put her hand on her shoulder, and told her to make it a to-go order. Then she gave me a medium sized cup for to have a beverage while I waited, for the wait would be significant, especially in the speed realm of fast food. She and I chatted amiably for the 45v minutes it took to complete the order, and she gave me her name and the store's phone number so that next time we COULD call ahead, and next time she would believe us. To top it off, she gave me a sack full of fries and 4 hot fudge sundaes for free, since I pretty much destroyed their sales goal for the hour.

So it wrapped up pretty cool. But still, if nothing else I have a new career goal...to stare at a pile of 75 sandwiches and triumphantly yell...

"GET...IN...MY...BELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

The lights went out, and Nikki stawted to GW-IND!!!!!!

Come back Nikki, come back!

Today's Mood Is...

Yeeesh.

The neighbor drama continues. I have not mentioned this before (I don't think), but one of our next door neighbors (and I do mean next door here in the land of row homes), but for the last few months there has been some drama between them and us. Most of it has to do with parking. He (of the he and she) does not like to park under the tree on his property. Instead, he likes to back up as far as possible so he can be near his door but still not have his precious Honda pooped on. Fair enough. But I also like to park near my door, as does Wifey. So when we park our vehicles before he gets home, what does he do? He pulls back until his bumper is about a pubic hair's width from the car behind him (which is usually us). And the bastich is rather passive aggressive to boot. We have our grill on the front porch (you can't take ALL the redneck out of me). Twice he (or his OH-SO-LOVELY WIFE) has called the cops to complain that the smoke is blowing in his house. That would be a fair complaint except for two things.

1) It isn't illegal to grill on the front porch as long as you don't leave the propane tank attached when it isn't in use and you stay by it when you ARE using it (check on both accounts).

2) His complaint of the smoke (which really isn't much of a complaint. I don't burn things, and since I clean the grill well, it doesn't smoke much if at all) is moot, since if his front window is open, so is the back, and therefore if the grill is in the back yard, the exact same problem would happen. So WTF dude?

So after the second time that the cops come over and tell me that I am not doing anything wrong, the next day he comes over to tell me that Wifey keeps hitting his new car and she needs to watch herself. He's seen her do it. There is the slightest chance that I would give him the remotest level of credence if he had said something WHEN HE HAD ACTUALLY SEEN IT. But he waits until he is thwarted by the local constabulary to be a whiny little bitch about something that I do not believe for a second. So screw him.

Now last night Wifey was being dropped off by Killian, and Jerkass (yup, he just got an official BSR name, the lucky bastard) comes home and does the same thing, only parking behind her. He parked so close that Wifey couldn't even fit in between the cars, and had to walk around his car to get in the house (and it isn't like she is BSR size. I lucked out into one of those Fred Flintstone/Peter Griffin hot wives for fat guys deals. Screw you companion slotting ratios!). It made her laugh at the absurdity of it, which made him (he was obviously standing at the window watching her) come out and mumble some shit under his breath (including the word "bitch") before slamming his front door shut. Now, if Wifey had not told me the story while laughing about what an ass he is, he would have had a knock on his door sometime around 11PM yesterday.

I have been waiting patiently for him to come over today to start some shite, but so far Jerkass has been more Chicken Little than Mouthy McPoopypants (I am SOOOOO mature sometimes). So we will see how this plays out, but it has been on my mind all day, and that means I get to abuse you with my ramblings. Hee hee hee.

BSR

30 minutes of 80's cartoon Openings

This might be the most awesome time waster I have found all day. And that is saying something.

The Royal Rumble House

Wifey just walked in the door. This made Buttercup EXTREMELY happy. She was doing her usual "PET ME NOW!!!!" (the dog, not Wifey), and Wifey picked her up. Eventually, I am guessing that Wifey got tired of the usual "I'll hold you puppy" routine, because she went for one of those Eddie Van Halen playing guitar behind the back moves with the living creature in her arms.



THAT is when it got ugly.



Just in case this ever gets introduced in court, I want to make it clear that I saw nothing until I heard the "THUD", and saw Wifey standing over her vanquished foe like Hulk Hogan towering over "Macho Man" Randy Savage at Wrestlemania 8 (or whivever damn one it was), followed by the dog wandering over to the couch with a "I just forgot my parent's" face. I can say no more.



Except this...Wifey is pushing the dog at me saying "She's fine. She's trying to kiss you". And laughing like a deranged axe murderer. The only problem is, the dog no longer knows who or what I am, only that I taste vaguely like ham. Or so I have been told by my Jewish ex-girlfriend in a Dear John note.



PETA, I am innocent.



BSR

Another reason Insurance Companies make my head hurt

I am a smoker. No, I am not proud of that. In fact, I pretty much hate it. Even if it does make me look cool, I think the phrase "Alive With Pleasure" is a real big oxymoron. I have been trying to quit off and on (more off than on to be brutally honest) for the better part of the last 5 years. So far, there have been a few pockets of success sandwiched in between huge areas of failure. I have even gotten a prescription from my doctor (who is an excellent MD) trying to help me out. He "diagnosed" me with mild depression (I am hoping that he was just using it as a front. I rarely listen to Morrisey, so I think I am safe from that particular problem) in order to prescribe an anti-depressant that has a side effect of helping you quit (beats the hell out of most side effects, but it doesn't compare to those 4 hour erections they talk about. I haven't had one of those since high school, and there wasn't much of anything I could do with that then except walk hunched over a bit so that I wouldn't accidentally impale something, or someone). Unfortunately it hasn't helped.

Now I have heard of this new prescription called Chantix that seems to work wonders. I know two people who have used it and have quit within a week, and through some friends I know of probably a dozen more who have had similar success. So it sounds like a natural, right? Only the insurance company won't cover it. And without a prescription it costs somewhere in the area of $200+ for each fill/refill, and you have to be on it for about a month or so (which means at least 2 fills. or $400). I already work 2 jobs and don't have that kind of scratch floating around. The only way I could afford it is to quit smoking for a few weeks and save the money.

You see the irony there, right? Of course you do my little Morrissettes. It's like rain on your wedding day and shit like that.

Here is what is killing me (besides the cigarettes that is). The insurance company doesn't want to fork over the dough to cover the prescription, right? But they will fork over all the money for the chemo in 10-15 years? I am willing to bet that the oncology visits are going to cost more than the prescription, not to mention the little things that get bigger because of the smoking (like the circulation problems that exacerbate the leg issues that they have paid a few thousand for already). Don't you think that it would be smarter for them to pay up now? I know I do.

And for those who say "just quit", well, if you can do that, you are stronger than me in the willpower department. I really don't want to keep spending the money for something that is going to kill me. It is an addiction. I know I was stupid to start, and I regret it, but that doesn't change anything about the fact that I did and I would like to stop. Short of holding a telethon, I don't know what to do.

Besides light one up, that is.

Today's Mood Is...

with a side order of...

...of course, it isn't YOU I hate, per se. Unless you are one of those annoying people that have been working my nerves lately.

Keep reading...

BSR

I ain't doing it again right now

I was just typing up a post. It was a decent length, and was going fairly well. I was about 5 minutes from being complete when I got one of those "...has encountered a problem and must shut down. Send error report or don't send".

Stoopid internet explorer. I can't go downloading firefox here, I am stuck with what I have. And now I do not have the time to re-enter everything. Maybe later today, or maybe tomorrow. So sorry for the complete lack of explanation after promising it in that post right above this one. Blame it on the 'net.

Yeah, ye-aaa-aa-ah

Blame it on the stars that don't sine at night

Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you.

Blame it on the 'net...

Why the hell is that still accessible in my head, but the shit I learned in school that has real import, or at least historical significance is gone forever. Forget blaming it on the 'net. Blame it on the Miller Lite.

BSR

News from the front lines

Okay, there is no real order here, but there are a few things I need to get off of my chest...



1. Unless I can find some other connection that explains it, it seems apparent to me that eating anything more than a small handful of original flavor SunChips (tm) gives me gas. Lots of it. I'm pretty sure that I could have eased the energy crunch if I had released them responsibly (instead of trying to gas out random coworkers, and later the dog, just to amuse myself. However, after I beef-faced the dog her tail was still wagging like crazy, so she must enjoy the processed whole grains of SunChips (tm) after they had been utilized for food by my oh-so-efficient metabolism).



2. For those of you who don't live in the great state of Mary "At least we're not as liberal as Massachusetts, those jackasses!" land, we got a lot of rain yesterday. It was much needed, and we will take all that we can get. However, I have to think that unless you have lived in the middle of the Sahara for your entire life you are aware of what rain is, and have seen it before. And yes, I know there were periods of heavy rain, but still, the incredulous looks on people's faces last night at Bullseye Incorporated when they walked out the doors and saw WATER FALLING FROM THE SKY!!!!!!11!!!!!oneone!!



You jackasses. It's R A I N. You don't need to stand there with your gaping maw staring up at the sky and wondering how come you are suddenly wet when you aren't at the beach or in the shower. You don't have to tell everyone around you that it is raining. They can see it too. And you REALLY don't have to grab your cell phone and call your neighbor to tell THEM it is raining. They live three block away. They are getting rained on, too. You slack jawed yokels are wasting the precious oxygen that those of with functioning cerebral cortexes (cortexi? How often does one need to pluralize "cortex") need in order to continue living and evolving within the contexts of our environments.



3. Got a new reader (or at least a new commenter. Say hello to God's Girl y'all! Remember, the revolution will NOT be televised, but it will be commented on by a bunch of snarky know-it-alls who think that their opinions on world events and the happenings in their own backyard are valid and worth sharing with the world. And even worse, that the world wants to hear these inane ramblings. And yes, before you say it, I AM looking in the mirror.

Okay, I need to truncate this. Part of it got cut off by the computer dropping out on me (next post), but enough was saved to salvage the post, so ignore the "maybe later", coz here it is!


Gotta run. There be monsters about that I has to get to slayin!

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

Yes, it has been a long week. Wifey and I had a bit of a disagreement (and if you want to know how "a bit", ask the door to our part of the house). I know that all of my married friends warned me that for the first couple of years that the odds were if we were going to fight it would be over money, but that didn't make it any more fun. I did learn one very valuable lesson (besides don't let Wifey try to repair a broken off the hinges door while she is upset, because when she shakes the large screwdriver in your face while yelling at you, you can honestly see your life flash before your eyes), and that is do not eat a big meal on a hot day then get into a rather vociferous argument with your spouse unless you want to lose weight the old fashioned way. By power vomiting in the public restroom of the local SuperFresh (almost everywhere BUT in the toilet. It was like the pie eating scene in "Stand By Me"). And I have been having a bad time with some medical concerns of my own. Nothing serious, but enough to be annoying and distract me from the stuff I need to do. But none of that has anything to do with the picture. So what does the picture mean?

Last night was a long, busy night. Momm-o-in-law had her regularly scheduled physical therapy, but to add fuel to the fire, she was having problems w/back pain and her legs. So she stayed home from work yesterday, and Wifey asked me to take her to PT and then to her doctor's appointment. No problem. Wifey planned on going to the grocery store to shop for us and for her mom after work. Again, no problem. She wound up leaving work sometime around 7PM and meeting me in front of the doctor's office to get her mom's list. So far, long but no major issues, right? Well, all is well until around 10:30PM when the phone rings...

Wifey had been in a car accident. Nothing major, no injuries (and that is the most important thing). But there is some cosmetic damage to the car. And now we find out that the jackass that hit her has no insurance, and that the insurance of the car's owner (which of course isn't the jackass that was driving) is contesting the claim. Stupid fucking lizard insurance. We didn't get our toasted muffin with butter and jam either. I feel ripped off.

Other than that things are copacetic. Our friends the Lithuanian Wonder and Irish Pride (who are getting married in about a month) are coming over tonight. You see, Wifey is going to be in the wedding party, and I am going to be the officiant. I probably have mentioned this before, but I got ordained online and am now legally authorized to join people in holy matrimony. So they are coming over for to discuss the wedding. I am going to have to make sure that the wedding is videotaped so that I can post the highlights.

Heh heh heh heh heh.

Big Shirtless (Reverend) Ron

Love Me Undergarments

Nobody could wear a bra on their head like the King. 30 years later, no one can touch him (and not just because he is 6 feet under).

30 Years Ago today...

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Duct Tape Bandit

Oh, why can't someone like this come in to Target? I never get the fun criminals.

Today's Mood Is...

Another night of borderline insomnia, another double between the two jobs, my legs are hurting and swollen, a Wifey home sick, a dog that has no concept of personal space...

bitch whine moan my life is SOOOOOOOO horrible.

At least I have my pity to keep me warm. Of course, staying warm is NOT the problem the last week or so. Maybe I can move in to the walk in cooler at the local 7-11. I am willing to restock for them for free if they let me bunk there.

Breakin' and Poppin' and Totally AWESOME!

This is officially number 1 on my Christmas list.

Start shopping now Ronettes.

I can be hypocritical if I wanna be!

So after railing about how I will overcome the heat and humidity and wait for it to break this weekend, and I won't succumb to those BGE bastards, I come home last night and Wifey has the A/C on (of course, she isn't feeling well, so I am not going to begrudge her some comfort just to save a few bucks). I go downstairs to hop in the shower and prepare for bed, and next thing you know I am setting up the A/C for the basement in the window and turning it on HIGH. Maybe coming into a house that wasn't the equivalent of a room prepped for Bikram Yoga weakened my steely resolve (I wish that I could pin it on trying to make sleep time more comfortable for Wifey, but when I went downstairs I didn't know she wasn't feeling well. It is that kind of not feeling well. I shan't elaborate). Whatever the reason, I got out of bed this morning not covered in a sheen of sweat for the first time in a few weeks, and it was everything that I could have possibly hoped for. And since the basement has the requisite "Livin' In The City" bars on them, last year we got one of those portable A/C units that you put the exhaust hoses into a window and therefore have some flexibility as to where you place your technological advance in human comfort. And it doubles as a dehumidifier, so not only was the sleep (or at least the laying in the bed, as the insomnia has just been documented) cooler, but it no longer felt like I was lying in a mist tent of pain and suffering (they had them at the Virgin Festival this year, at least that is what I heard. I am officially too old to go to weekend festivals when the temperature + humidity = Satan needs a Slurpee. It just isn't right. I would think that there is some international law against it. Maybe I should look into those Geneva Conference transcripts. I bet THOSE are a fun read.

I just got distracted by work, and this has been sitting here untouched for almost 2 hours. Gonna go now.

Today's Mood Is...

It is so damn hot that even my DIGITAL clocks are melting. But it is only intensifying my fight with those bastard electric company bastards (redundancy in describing their bastardness is not overkill, tyvm). I am fighting turning on the A/C with ALL of my might. 5 fans running is still less than half the cost of running the air. And on the plus side, I am losing weight like crazy. Even if it IS all coming out of my forehead, you take what you can get at this point.

Make sure you check out the music video I told you about before. It has been up for a week, but like a putz, I completely forgot to post it. Well that is no longer the case. Like Jell=o, watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle!

Politics in Action

Whatever your political affiliation, THIS is funny. But in order to be fair (as required by the FCC Equal Opportunity in Bullshitting the Public Act) I must also say this...

CHAPPAQUIDICK!!!!!

And So I Will Dance For Thee

I have been remiss in posting this. My deepest apologies to all. Now, I have to get back to the fairyland...

Today's Mood Is...

I has the power to kill a yak from 300 yards away.

Wif MINDBULLETS!!!!!!!

BSR

I ate what?

I decided to give ol' shorschitt a gander and see how she was doing. Apparently Friday morning was an oatmeal and iced tea morning (the thought of drinking iced tea first thing in the morning makes me feel a little queasy. Yet I will drink hot tea right off and have absolutely no issue with it. Is it me, or do you feel the same way? Or am I being a beverage snob/freak?). She said she would rather be having eggs and bacon (now THAT is a breakfast I could eat every day of my life. If only Wifey would leave me some bacon. You can ask Larry the Upstairs Neighbor about that, he'll back me. When we make breakfast - usually on the weekend - and we are making bacon, we have to make 2 pounds of it because between her propensity to pile it on her plate and her need to make kamikaze runs into the kitchen while we are cooking in order to grab a couple of strips while cackling like a madwoman and shrieking "Bacon!! ALL FOR ME!!!!!!!!", we can go through some cured pork around here). But then she listed some other foods she would rather be eating. And here is the list...

Cucumber Kimchee

Turkisk Pebers

Li Hing Mui

Arare

Chichidango

Manju

Ika

I know exactly three of the words on that list. And one of them my father used to use as a euphemism for "shit" (he liked to say that someone was in deep kimchee. For that reason alone I will never be able to eat kimchee. Word association culinary edition is a bitch). Also, I am pretty sure that the third to last word is one of those Himilayan words used to describe the Yeti. And if it isn't, it should be.

I am going to keep checking out shorty's blog. If nothing else, I am going to learn some bitchin' new words.

BSR

It puts the lotion on its skin...

How come I never had neighbors like this? (thanks to www.fark.com for the link)

http://www.denverpost.com/lifestyles/ci_6544653

Also, while my opinion may change when I am a father, all I can think is that Dad is being a real dick. Hell, if I was him, I would be outside playing baseball with my kids EVERY DAMN DAY OF MY LIFE!

Today's Mood Is...

Well, would you?

And so my minions grow

Soon my readership will reach double digits, and then the world will HAVE to acknowledge my brilliance! It seems that someone was randomly clicking on the "next blog" tab when the Blogger Lotto spit my page out. Of course Shorty immediately recognized my witty, urbane view of life as required reading (I hope to one day replace The Catcher in the Rye for "that book that your cool English teacher gave you to read that your parents and the establishment don't want you to". Of course, that means I would need to be collected into book form. Hey HarperCollins, you out there?). So welcome Shorty to the fold, and let's see how she does with her explorations of self flagellation. I know mine have brought you to me, and really, what else could I ask for.

http://shortschitt.blogspot.com/

I have a list of other things to ask for if anyone wants to know.

Not that you aren't important to me. Not at all. I am just a greedy bastard.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

SKITTLES!

I have finally found my Sean Bean

I love Wifey. I would hope that this is known and completely understood. I know that Wifey loves me. Hell, at this point she would have to. However, she does like to rail on about how incredibly hot Sean Bean is (if you don't know who he is, look him up yourself. I have no desire to post beefcake pics of my wife's moist-inducing obsession). Now I do have subscriptions to Maxim and Stuff (and had one to FHM before it went teat's up. Pun intended), but the pictures of scantily clad women is really more of a pleasant bonus to the magazines themselves to me. If I was 14, maybe those pics would be enough, but as a 34 year old with access to the internet, suggestive just doesn't get a rise out of me (pun intended again). She has occasionally given me a little good natured grief over these magazines, but nothing much comes of it (no pun there you dirty minded little monkeys). Besides, while I have never dug deep into the recesses of Elle, or whatever that catalog sized magazine is that she gets every month, but I know that all of those women's magazines have those shirtless guys that is somehow supposed to sell feminine hygiene products and so forth. And I don't care.

But her obsession over Sean Bean (and the way she says his name every time she is given a cause to think of him or see him on TV) drives me crazy sometimes. Even my Angelina Jolie (before she got knocked up by Brad Pitt to make what will undoubtedly be the world's most perfectly beautiful baby that will probably wind up being the Anti-Christ because it is going to have immeasurable good looks and charm, and nothing that perfect can be anything but evil) obsession never reached 1/3 her obsession over Sean Bean. I had resigned myself to a life of being the guy she shares coitus with while she dreams of Sean Bean (I have to keep typing his full name, because if I just type "Bean, it brings to mind images of Rowan Atkinson, and I am fairly confident that no one in recorded history has ever had an erotic thought about Rowan Atkinson. At least I hope not) once she gets tired of my "O-Face", and I was okay with that. And it isn't like I was out there hunting for my own celebrity to crush on. But I came across (NO PUN! YOU SICK BASTARDS!) this pic and realized that I could stare at it for at least 3 weeks straight. So I am going to claim her for my own, like Wifey did with Beany (does that work? Are there any famous Beanys that would make you think of them in lieu of the Seanster? Let me know).

Mmmmmmm, Johannson........

BSR