almost...there...

.....

Now witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational Valentine's Day Mega Post!

Okay, that's it. I was going to start posting all of my "I'd hit it" pics, but I have to do some REAL work at SOME point while I am here. They are paying me (kinda) to do it, after all.

I cannot make this kind of crap up

Once again I do not know from where the topic came, but JJ and the Hens (kinda like Josie and The Pussycats, only old and wrinkly and not at all hittable - and yes I consider both the live action stars and the cartoon characters on which they were based hittable) are talking about some 16 year old that killed his parents, then his brothers and sisters. That is nothing but tragic, no matter the circumstances. But the thing that made me mention this morbid topic is that they were all saying "I can see killing the parents, but why the brothers and sisters? What did they do?"

So matricide and patricide is cool, but not offing your brother? How very Greek tragedy of them. I hope none of them named their kids "Antigone".

And if anyone reading this just pronounced that "anti gone", as in the opposite of "pro stay", PLEASE look it up.


PLEASE.

I don't know if I am more disturbed by the crime or the tacit approval of parent killing around here.

Interlude...

The Hens are OUT OF CONTROL today! And not even because it is Valentine's Day. No no no, they went on a tangent of epic proportions, going from Valentine's Day to getting diamonds for Valentine's Day to a dissertation on the veracity of the movie Blood Diamond and now are dishing over the most recent episode of Moment of Truth and how (it is apparent) the lying cheating dog that was on there. And I have just learned that next week there will be a Mormon boy on the show! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They cannot wait for that one because they want to know if he hates his parents for being raised as a Mormon. Because being raised as a Mormon would obviously lead to parental issues.

It also seems that someone somewhere (it could have been on that show that they are still cluckign over, but it might be something completely different) that a lot of black people have a good deal of European in them, and not a lot of Indian in them (that is pretty much a direct quote, at least in terminology). I cannot speak for any of that with any degree of certainty since I have not done any research on this. But I can say with some level of certainty that while I do not know for sure the amount of European in Wifey (at least percentage wise), I plan on making sure she has some European in her this weekend.

Subtlety. I haz it.

Today's Mood Is...

That is verbatim. From what, I do not know.

Click on the pic for embiggination and readability for hilarity purposes.

Today's Mood Is...

Wifey had her wisdom teeth pulled yesterday. She is on some very fun (for me) drugs. Right now she is passed out on the couch, having little Kafka dreams that her to moan things like "Oh boy!".

I don't know what to tell you.

I need a beer.

All the things print to fit...

Oh, I see what you did there...

Okay, this will not be a full on, 27 paragraph missive, but I am going to give you some of my long promised updating to my life.

Wifey is in fact back from NY. However, she was just back up there for another round of auditions, including one for a national tour. So for all I know, in a couple of months I will be all alone again, just me and a dog and a cat and an upstairs neighbor and an internet connection...

And possibly a year's supply of kleenex...

ANYWAY, I have now been smoke free for 37 days. One of the benefits of Wifey getting fired from G-Hellhole (those who worked there can figure out how to pronounce that) was that we had to switch over to my insurance from Moleville. Well, since Moleville is part of a major hospital that is part of a major worldwide university system (have I finally said too much?), we have excellent insurance. The pay might be shitty, but the insurance is AWESOME! So finall the Chantix was covered, and with the help of Pfizer and a modest co-pay, I quit smoking as of the new year. And as of today I have not slipped up once. So that is a good thing. It also made Wifey's surgery a lot cheaper. But there is one thing that Chantix does not help with, and that is temper. I will fully admit to being a bit cranky at first, so I was glad that Wifey was not at home for the first few days. But if the old lady who cut me off on North Avenue is reading this, I am so sorry for telling you to go do those things. Especially to who I told you to do them to. I am pretty sure that those things are not even legal to do. So I take it back. But next time use your turn signal please. And if you can make sure that your car is actually clear of my car so that I don't have to slam my brakes in order to keep my front end in its current configuration I would really appreciate it.

Jabberjaws has been in a lot more recently. Luckily for her, by the time she started coming in more often I was past the DIE YOU MOTHER#$%&!@ stage of my quitting. I did learn from boss #1 of 247 (bosses ranked in order of recognition of bossitude, not for any personal ranking, just in case one of the other 246 bosses reads this) that her husband is (contrary to all of our theories) just as talkative as she is, which amazes me. With the amount of time they spend camping out in their RV, you would figure that two people who consume that much oxygen on a regular basis in that enclosed of a space would have caused one of them to die from asphyxiation by now, or for them to create such a vacuum of air that the RV would actually implode, possibly taking out a few square miles of campground with them. Maybe I need to brush up on my physics theories.

During one of her rants the other day (possibly yesterday, now that I think of it) I leaned that JJ's husband collects pancake mixes from around the world. Now, with all due respect to Larry the Upstairs Neighbor (who could live on pancakes and potatoes and never be wanting for anything), that has got to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard of. She went on and on about how he has blueberry mix, pecan mix, butter pecan mix, walnut mix...until I actually could no longer bite my tongue (besides, I was getting up to leave so that I could come home and pick up Wifey for her appointment with the tooth DR, so I knew that no matter what happened I was going to be saved). I looked her right in the eye and told her that THAT was one of the most fascinating hobbies I had ever heard of. Then I walked out the door and left her to the Hens.

Sometimes when you see an open door you HAVE to go through it, and every once in a while hearing JJ ramble on is more melodious than hearing Kenny G's song repeated over and over until you feel like Bill Murray.

Don't drive angry.

BSR

PAININ!!

It is.

Today's Mood Is...

I know I keep promising to you a big sweeping update on all things BSR, but now is not the time. Literally, since this time I didn't change the post time to make it the last one for the day. However, a proposed law banning resteraunts from serving obese people is something I have to share before I go pass out for the evening.

I know that resteraunts are living through the smoking ban, but except for buffets, I fail to see how this could lead to anything but financial ruin for the dining industry. And what do you do for drive thrus? What if the lardass is in the passenger seat (this could lead to record profits for Checkers and a much longer line at the right side drive thru)? Would this lead to fatties standing outside of McDonalds, begging skinny people to go in and buy them a Double Quarter Pounder like 16 year olds in front of a liquor store? Or would it lead to a massive increase in frozen White Castle being bought in grocery stores? It boggles the fat mind.

Dammit, now I am hungry.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

BOOF! Upside yo' head, I said BOOF upside yo' head!!!!

I think that if the 16th President of the United States of America was a modern day bear / cat (I am not quite sure which one he is, but I am leaning towards cat) who spent time as a gangsta rapper, he would look and sound amazingly like this. It is almost spooky how realistic this would be.

Still st-rug-ga-ling

You need to read that in the voice of a drunk Joe Namath to get the full effect of what st-rug-ga-ling really means. But I promise to be back next week. Early next week. I am aiming for Monday, so as to not interfere with the Tuesday update of the Sports Blog. I am trying folks. I am trying.

Today's Mood Is...

I have been seriously slacking. Many varied issues. I will endeavor to be back tomorrow or Thursday with the small minded snarkiness that keeps my dozens (AND DOZENS) of fans so intermingled in my sad, pathetic little e-life.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

Beware his pellets of love!!!!!

Today's OTHER Mood Is...

RIGHTEOUS!!!!!!RIGHTEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TICK TOCK TICK TOCK...

Just got done with a conference call with a bunch of people from all over the country. 99.9% of them are freaking morons.

JJ has been here all day. Currently she is (I can only assume / extrapolate from the snippets that I am hearing) flirting / trying to seduce the chart that she is working on.

Wifey is finally home for more than 3 days, as her show ended Sunday. I drove up to see it. Her hosts tried to get me lost in Queens because their daughter wanted Wifey to stay there forever. Of course, 36 hours after she gets home, her visitor from the South of France arrives, so she can get no real rest or comfort.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LARRY THE UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR!!!!!!!!!! I don't know if I am going to make it out tonight after work, but either way you has a lot of pancakes in your immediate future (re: tomorrow if you wake up before you have to go to work on Thursday).

I have to go now. The Hottentots are running amok and I cannot hold them at bay much longer.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

Yesterday's high was at least 68. Today is scheduled to be 69, tomorrow 64. It is JANUARY!!!!!

Us polar bears cannot catch a break.

Today's Mood Is...

Stage Fight

THIS is the show that has been keeping Wifey and her attributes away from me for the last two months. I am going to see the show closing performance so I can make sure the bastards don't try to keep her. I will load her in my truck myself. I am very much looking forward to seeing this play. However, I am more than a little jealous of it monopolizing all of Wifey's time. Scorcese, drag your ass to this show and discover my wife already! Or you DeNiro! With your "this is my city" commercials. Well this is my wife! DO IT!!!!!!

I had no intention of doing this

But this one was even funnier than the Simpsons one. Must be a Friday if I am so easily amused.

It is funny because it is timely and not at all dated

Today's Mood Is...

Have to head to Bullseye in about 15-20 minutes, so this is all you get for now. In case I am not back beforehand, Merry Christmas, and all that cheery crap.

BSR

A few quick holiday pics for ewe...

One for the road...

Today's Mood Is...

*****MASSIVE GENERALITY ALERT*****

Deaf people have no phone manners.

Well, not all of them. But I just got a Relay call. For those of you who are uninitiated to these, it is a system for people with hearing impairment to be able to use the telephone. They type messages, and a Relay Operator (probably another copyright) reads what they "said". Then you respond, and they type it back to them. It is a good thing. Unless the hearing impaired person is a butt face.

I was asked if I had any computers for sale. I responded with "I'm sorry but this is a private residence. I think you have the wrong number" (you are supposed to respond as if you are talking directly to the person who is on the other line, not say "tell him / her that I said...). There was silence for a while, then the operator told me that the person had hung up. No apology, no "okay", no NOTHING.

Butt face.

I have invited a few guys over tonight to hang out, since Wifey is still away and we are not going to be able to have our usual Christmas party. I figured I would have a "Guy's Night In", poker and beer and whatever. I don't know who is showing up, but if it winds up just being Larry the Upstairs Neighbor and myself, we can easily watch a bunch of episodes of The Wire and either cook something or order a pizza / wings. So I am going to enjoy my evening. But last night at the ol' Bullseye I noticed something that has been occurring for a while now.

Wifey has been away for the last 3 weeks, and for the vast majority of the last month and a half, living in NY and rehearsing for her show there (did I not fill you in? I cannot remember). Well, it has created a positive conundrum for me. It is positive that she got cast in a show up there, and that she is getting a chance to prove herself in NY. It sucks that I have been home alone (excepting the animals, which just don't count), working extended holiday hours to come home to no human. And I have been very lonely, especially in the marital duty department. Yup, like Eddie Murphy in 48 Hours, every time the wind blows...

Well, last night I realized that for some length of time (I cannot pinpoint the exact genesis of this phenomenon [doo-DOO-doo-doo-doo]) every woman I see has been moving up that mythical scale that all (okay, 90%) men use to rate women. A 5 has become a 7, and so forth. And when I couldn't stop staring at this random woman's chest last night (she seemed to like the attention enough to display them even more prominently to me until she noticed my wedding ring), I realized that my needs are no longer being met by the interweb and cocoa butter (yes, every guy does it, no matter how much he is getting. It is one of those base, from the primeval time instincts that we just cannot control. Lately I have been one flux capacitor and 1.21 gigawatts away from travelling through time, with my Johnson taking the place of the DeLorean).

Wifey comes back tomorrow at 10:30AM for a brief stay before heading back either Wednesday or Thursday, and from then she won't be back until late January. So on the off chance my boss at Bullseye Inc. reads this, if I am late for work tomorrow, DO NOT CALL ME. I will get there eventually, but sometimes other things take precedent. And if I do not take care of this precedent, I will not only be unable to walk upright but I will also be an extremely grumpy son of a bitch. Not what you would want working 2 days before Christmas. You have been warned.

And to all of you, don't expect any communication Tuesday afternoon / evening / night either. We are going to my sister's for brunch, then we are going home. And for the rest of the day, we do not know you. Deal with it.

Today's Mood Is...

It's been one of those weeks. And today is Office Christmas Breakfast day in Moleville.

yay.

Currently I am being forced to listen to Anne Murray's Christmas Album. By all that I hold Holy I never knew that piece of musical torture existed, and now that I do, there is a tiny piece of me that is dead inside.

JJ just decided to impart some wisdom on me and in order to do so she needed to get within 5 mm of me, then put her hand on my shoulder. Between that and Anne Murray, I no longer feel like eating (unless it is to eat my own brain / heart in some last ditch self defense effort).

The Lurker just gave me a Slinky.

All better now, TYVM. Gotta go grab some egg casserole and a bagel.

Clark's Christmas Vacation Tirade

NSFW!!!! But still a classic.

Ding! Fries are done Siberian style!

Whatever your views on Family Guy (and mine are becoming more and more muddled as the show continues. I have not seen much at all of the "return" episodes, but the ones I have seen I have not ben overly impressed with. But this is a pretty good remix.

Reverend Charles

Oh, we need to roadtrip to this guy's church. Oh, wait, he doesn't have one. LET'S BUILD HIM ONE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

Today's Mood Is...

He tasted like a bowl full of jelly.

And just because I was sitting here Farking, check out this link...

http://mdn.mainichi.jp/photospecials/graph/071217swim/1.html

If for no other reason than to just read the headline.

BSR

Today's Mood Is...

Wait'll you get a load of THIS...

Iron Man in May, this in June or July...I'm already starting to get a chubby.

Today's Mood Is...

I know I am more than overdue to post. With Wifey away, my will to be witty and get immediate gratification from her when I come in the house and tell her to read it, my will, it is teh waning. But I keep thinking of all of you and all these random posts that I should do. I am going to try to collect them and put them up in the near future. But in the meantime, since you caught me being so lazy, I will do naught but look adorable until you forgive me.

BSR

RUN DMC NEEDS NO COMMENTARY

Christmas In Hollis

Today's Mood Is...

Look out below. I am in one of those weird moods where I will post almost anything. Why? Sorry, I can't hear you. I've got a loaf of Italian bread in my ears.

SLUMP SLUMP SLUMP SLUMP!!!!!!!!!

Picture pages redux...

I cannot guarantee that I am done yet. Because I just don't know if I am.

Lemme esplain...

No, is too much. Lemme sum up...

I have mentioned my recent battles with insomnia. I had another fight last night. REM lost (damn you Bill Berry!). So I am caffeinated up pretty good and at this very moment taking a break from my federally required medical theory training / reprogramming (the hospital has about 25 or so accreditations that it likes to keep, spending millions of dollars [I assume it is that much. They cannot convince me otherwise] to make sure that CARF and JHACO and BINGO and all the rest give us the Seal of Approval. Personally I would rather they say "screw the accreditation" and pay me a damn living wage. I am kind of selfish that way, but anyway...). There are some things that are generally good to know, and it can't hurt to mandate refreshers on things like sexual harassment and respecting patients and co-workers (part of me wonders if there is a loophole I can find in these things that would allow me to have JJ and Asian Mustard Lady permanently banned from my personal bubbles - my personal space bubble and my auditory bubble - that might be worth more than the living wage to tell you the truth), but a lot of the stuff I think is a little beyond the pale for me to have to know. For instance, if there is a patient really relying on me to administer medical advice / make a medical decision that could have ANY kind of impact on them beyond what they are being served for lunch (and that might be too much responsibility for me if you really think about it. sick people have some effed-up dietary restrictions), odds are they have a lot more to worry about than if I am HIPPA compliant in my decision making, since odds are it will only happen in some kind of bizarro, Red Dawn-esque apocalypse where confidentiality of medical records won't be nearly as important as finding a way to get up into the mountains in order to begin a guerrilla campaign against our oppressive overlords.

In other words, I am feeling le Goofy. And there is no way I am even going to TRY and stop this Crazy Train.

BSR

Nope, I ain't done yet...

Okay, now I am done for a while. How long?

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!!!! Muah-hah-hah-hah!

BSR (for at least one day the "BS" stands for BAT SHIT CRAZY!)

Today's Mood Is...

Okay...

JJ has been here almost every day for almost a month and a half while The Nice Lady who usually is full time recovers from neck surgery. The Nice Lady (TNL) is one of the oasises (oasee? How the hell do you plurify oasis? There has to be a word for more than one...) is one of the people we like around here.

JJ has been going off like she is auditioning for a part in the revival of those old FedEx commercials (What do you mean what am I talking about? You damn kids with your hair and your clothes, paying no respect to your elders. Look HERE). But more and more, my zen technique of listening to the sounds past her instead of the cacophony of annoying that she doles out all but CONSTANTLY gets me through the days.

No, the real reason I am flipping the middle claw at the world is all the damn shoppers and what I know is coming this weekend...

As has been discussed here (and other places) in the past, people in Baltimore, and really in Maryland, have no idea how to drive. Hell, we get bumper-to-bumper traffic snarls because of glare. Yes, people cannot figure out how to either A) wear sunglasses or B) put the visor down a little. So when we get rain (be it three drips from a mist or a "should we start building an ark" downpour) or sleet or snow, all bets are off.

This weekend they are calling for rain, freezing rain, sleet, and possibly snow mixed with rain. That will bring every non-driving "See You In Toledo" (ask for meaning if you dare) out of the woodwork. And where are they going to go???

To the grocery store.

Why????

(Say it with me locals!!!)

1. Milk

2. Bread

3. Toilet Paper

How many locals were able to recite THAT shopping list without looking? Now be honest. How many of you have that particular shopping list planned for the weekend?

Liars.

So Bullseye Inc. is next to the SupaDupaFreshBoyeeeeeeeee!. Which means that we get the overflow. Not to mention that we carry all three items, so people get the bright idea that they can beat the rush and sneak through the cracks. However, if your average brain dead yokel can think of it, so can his cousin / sister and the rest of his non family tree forking family. And the neighbors. And so on. Now we do stock a fine selection of ass paper, in many different amounts in each package, multiple ply options, aloed and non aloed, and the option of single, double, or even "mega" sized rolls. The only limit is your imagination and the tensile strength of the paper holder and its connection to your bathroom wall. If you want to use Charmin to test the laws of physics in regards to adhesion principles, we can help. We have a decent selection of bread, a lot of it is our brand, but bread is pretty standard. Because we are not one of those "Super" stores (they only put those in places where there is no grocery store in the immediate vicinity), there is little space for milk. We carry it, and it sells out pretty quickly, but a lot of that is due to the limited capacity. Now where is all of this expounding leading to?

What happens when a large group of panicky people all have the same thought at once and rush into a small, centralized location in order to act upon that thought, but of the three aspects of that thought, there is a exponentially dimishing amount compared to the number of people seeking to act on those aspects? There is enough of aspect A for all, but 27% will miss out on aspect B, and almost 78% will be disappointed in their search for aspect C. And don't forget to factor in that while the location might not have or carry and weapons in the traditional sense (nothing you have to wait 5 days for), they do carry a number of sporting goods, and many sports are somehow heavy blunt object that can be swung like a club based. That is just one of those eerie coincidences, like Lincoln's secretary being named Kennedy and Kennedy's secretary being named as a plaintiff in a paternity suit against an estate (ZING!!!!!!!).

And I am not allowed to carry ANY sort of weapon. Not even a stick or club of my own.

I have been involved in more than a few altercations at the ol' Bullseye. They train you on how to move and react in a team scenario in order to apprehend and subdue, and it is a technique that works well. Add to that my history of working in bars and at concerts, and I can pretty much hold my own in most circumstances. But when you have 75 angry grandmothers coming at you on Hoverounds while waving canes and / or umbrellas at you, well you have yourself a "Choose Your Own Adventure" of litigious proportions.

THAT is what I am looking forward to for the weekend, in addition to the usual holiday shoppers who are just annoying as all hell. And as an added bonus, I have to work Saturday night (I am usually off Saturdays), because a co-worker needs the night off.

I am going to go there tonight and requisition a big flask. If I am going down, I am going down swinging. And drunk as all hell.

BSR

Happy St. Andrew's Day!

As my brother from another mother (but probably from the same bottle of Douglas), it is St. Andrew's Day. Don't know what that means? Check THIS out... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._Andrew%27s_Day and get yourself edumacated! Down a pint tonight!

Warning - NSFW but SOOOO worth it when home!

Larry the Upstairs Neighbor has gotten me into the Wire over the last couple of months (much to Wifey's chagrin). So when I saw this, I HAD to share it with you all on the off chance you are also watching this incredible TV show (I am halfway through Season 3 - thanks free TV on Demand!!!!! - and I already know that when the complete series box set comes out it will HAVE to be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine). Either way, you gotta scope this. Just do it at home (with no kids in earshot), or if you have headphones at aork, now is the time to pop them on and ride the wave of insanity.

Mr. B Natural Part 1

Of all the MST3K's out there, this one might just be my favorite. Of. ALL. TIME. And that should tell you something

Mr. B Natural Part 2

And now...the thrilling conclusion!!!!!

I can haz dyeulog pleez

It might be from the recurring insomnia that has me searching youtube at 5:25 in the morning, but I really liked this.

Today's Mood Is...

Holiday shoppers. DO NOT WANT!!!!!!!!

I haz comedy show tomorrow night. COME SEE ME!!!!!!!!!!

Brain on 4 day weekend. Body on 5 hours sleep. Body win fight.

Now that I got THAT out of the way

I am just not in a great mood today. I am loathing going into Bullseye Inc. more than usual today because of "Black Friday" (ooooooohhhhh).

---BTW - Black Friday is named that not because of the horror that it brings on store employees and parking garages around the country, but because it is usually at this day that the store's operating costs for the year have been met, and the rest of the year is profit. Of course that is not how the accounting is done, but if one were to take all the things a store has to pay for per year (product, payroll, electricity, rent, etc.) and total up how much they pay for the entire year, it would take them until about this day to make enough money to pay for all of that, and from here on out until January 1st it would be all profit for the owner / shareholders. And now you know...

I just am not in the mindset of putting up with these asshats and all the crap that will entail. Checking the receipts on stuff and being accused of being racist or of profiling or just plain annoying because I have the nerve to ask to see proof that you purchased that 50 inch plasma TV. Because no one would ever attempt to steal something as inconsequential as that.

Asshats. ALL of them are asshats.

BSR= Grumpy Old Man (but if I have any luck I will be Burgess Meredith. He got all the good lines).

Today's Mood Is...

No real reason really. I just felt like posting it. And sometimes I like to use alliteration when talking about random choices. What can I say, I am a slave to my whims.

Happy Thanksgiving BIZ-NITCHES!!!!!!!!

BSR

Save the Internet!

I really cannot tell you anything except that this might just be the greatest video EVAR!!!!11oneoneone4

Today's Mood Is...

Sleep, it has been avoiding me lately. I wish fervently for it's return.

"I'm Pissed Now"

It is Friday. I am giddy at the prospect of not hearing an alarm clock at 6 AM for two whole days. I am giddy for other reasons, but those will have to remain between myself and my giddyness (giddiness? Giddyup? What-the-hell-ever). But this made me chortle, and almost spit coffee on my work computer. They frown on that.

Today's Mood Is...

WARNING!! CRANKY OLD MAN ALERT!!!!!!


Okay, it is Halloween. Time to dress up your kids in bizarre clothes and take them around the neighborhood for some organized begging for food. Good training, if the current economic indicators are going to continue their trends.


BTW - I am putting the over / under count for Wifey's "awwwwwww" when the little ankle biting bastards come up to take my hard earned money one Krackle at a time at 37. Any takers?


Of course, I participated in this post - modern FDR New Deal style handout charade when I was a kid (and well into my teenage years). And if and when Wifey and I have little tax write - offs of our own, they will too. So all of this leads me to take a long look at what the hell we as responsible adults are contributing to our nation's growing obesity in children epidemic, and to examine quality of the handouts and the two philosophies of Halloween candy giving.


First, the philosophy. Quality versus quantity.


The ultimate in quality is full sized candy bars. Now to the best of my recollection, I never got full sized candy bars on Halloween. I am pretty sure I would remember that. Apparently it is becoming in vogue to do this. Maybe if I had Rockefeller money I would consider it, but for now, no go.


Next in quality is the fun sized candy bars, but only if you are getting candy that you would buy for yourself if you were 8. The list (in no particular order) is...


Hershey bars (with or without almonds)
Reese's cups
Snickers / Milky Way / 3 Musketeers (any of the trinity)
Skittles
Nestle Crunch
Butterfingers
Kit Kat (has to be at least the two bar package)
Twix
M & M's
Starburst

That's it. Don't try to tell me that there is anything else that deserves to be on that list, because you would be wrong. No other candy should even be considered. And before any of you mention Mounds / Almond Joy, I am invoking the Coconut Corollary. Too many people do not like coconut (myself included) for it to be on the list. They are like the black jelly beans (why do I get the feeling that Jesse Jackson is going to protest me for saying that?). People who love them LOVE them. People who don't DESPISE them. But I am willing to bet you that there is no one who kind of likes them. Black jelly beans and coconut candy are polarizing treats. There is no middle ground with them.

With these candies, two per bag is acceptable. Don't go all cheap - ass and give one. If you do, prepare for your house / car to be egged and / or toilet papered next Moving Night (or Mischief Night, or whatever you called it as a kid. One exception. If you are from Detroit, it is called "tonight". That applies to whenever you are reading this).

After that, you are looking at quantity time. Here is an example.

Last year Wifey and I did quality. Hershey bars and assorted compatriots all around. No Nestle in this house. Wifey is against them. Why, you ask? Look HERE. I was abandoned by Wifey (for reasons that still remain unclear) on Halloween last year, so I made it a point to give out at least 2 - 3 pieces per kid. That's just how I roll. It went well, and we were blessedly free of vandalism throughout the year. Now this year I had every intention of repeating this plan. However, the scavengers who shop at my store had raided the candy selection to the point that I was expecting to see a hausfrau fight over a bag of chocolate last night. I didn't, but I was prepared for it nonetheless. This caused me to go with Plan B...quantity. I picked up 3 (!) bags of Willy Wonka (I know they dropped the Willy from the name, but I never will. They are what they were when I was riding my bike to Jubs to get a package of Bottle Caps, and they always will be). The bags were filled with over 100 pieces each of Nerds and Laffy Taffy. Plus, I grabbed a bag that had Nerds, Laffy Taffy, Runts, and Bottle Caps just for the house. So we have 400+ pieces of candy. The only reason I got all of these? So that we could dole them out by the handful to the little bastiches who come a - knockin' at our door.

I will be the first to admit that while Nerds (and to a lesser degree Laffy Taffy) are good candies, they are not top tier treats. If we were to just give out a couple to each, well, I would be fearing for my tires for 366 days (stoopid freaking Leap Year). I ain't having that. I am counting on at least 4 - 5 pieces each. I am going to have to make that clear to Wifey. That being said, if we are running low, I am planning on rescuing the remaining Runts and Bottle Caps. They don't deserve those. Not that they are inherently better, but the personal nostalgia value trumps their momentary pleasure. Besides, they won't enjoy them on as many levels as I do.

Momentary side note: Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare? I surely hope not.

So, it is now almost 5:30 and I am waiting for the first round of beggars. These will be the 2 - 6 year olds that Mom is walking around in broad daylight in order to keep them off the streets when the older, more vicious kids come out. This will probably account for the majority of Wifey's "awwwwwww"s. It is just how it is. If I am lucky, she will get all worked up seeing them and I might get lucky tonight. Cross your fingers for me.

Momentary side note deux: This is the one night of the year that FURRIES can come out and celebrate with the common folks? Do you think that the FAO Schwartz has to put out extra security for their big window displays?

Okay, I need to wrap this up. I will talk at you all later.

BSR

I just reminded Wifey of the 4 - 5 rule. She said she was well aware of that. Good. One less thing to worry about.