Friday, November 30, 2007

Today's Mood Is...

JJ has been here almost every day for almost a month and a half while The Nice Lady who usually is full time recovers from neck surgery. The Nice Lady (TNL) is one of the oasises (oasee? How the hell do you plurify oasis? There has to be a word for more than one...) is one of the people we like around here.
JJ has been going off like she is auditioning for a part in the revival of those old FedEx commercials (What do you mean what am I talking about? You damn kids with your hair and your clothes, paying no respect to your elders. Look HERE). But more and more, my zen technique of listening to the sounds past her instead of the cacophony of annoying that she doles out all but CONSTANTLY gets me through the days.
No, the real reason I am flipping the middle claw at the world is all the damn shoppers and what I know is coming this weekend...
As has been discussed here (and other places) in the past, people in Baltimore, and really in Maryland, have no idea how to drive. Hell, we get bumper-to-bumper traffic snarls because of glare. Yes, people cannot figure out how to either A) wear sunglasses or B) put the visor down a little. So when we get rain (be it three drips from a mist or a "should we start building an ark" downpour) or sleet or snow, all bets are off.
This weekend they are calling for rain, freezing rain, sleet, and possibly snow mixed with rain. That will bring every non-driving "See You In Toledo" (ask for meaning if you dare) out of the woodwork. And where are they going to go???
To the grocery store.
(Say it with me locals!!!)
1. Milk
2. Bread
3. Toilet Paper
How many locals were able to recite THAT shopping list without looking? Now be honest. How many of you have that particular shopping list planned for the weekend?
So Bullseye Inc. is next to the SupaDupaFreshBoyeeeeeeeee!. Which means that we get the overflow. Not to mention that we carry all three items, so people get the bright idea that they can beat the rush and sneak through the cracks. However, if your average brain dead yokel can think of it, so can his cousin / sister and the rest of his non family tree forking family. And the neighbors. And so on. Now we do stock a fine selection of ass paper, in many different amounts in each package, multiple ply options, aloed and non aloed, and the option of single, double, or even "mega" sized rolls. The only limit is your imagination and the tensile strength of the paper holder and its connection to your bathroom wall. If you want to use Charmin to test the laws of physics in regards to adhesion principles, we can help. We have a decent selection of bread, a lot of it is our brand, but bread is pretty standard. Because we are not one of those "Super" stores (they only put those in places where there is no grocery store in the immediate vicinity), there is little space for milk. We carry it, and it sells out pretty quickly, but a lot of that is due to the limited capacity. Now where is all of this expounding leading to?
What happens when a large group of panicky people all have the same thought at once and rush into a small, centralized location in order to act upon that thought, but of the three aspects of that thought, there is a exponentially dimishing amount compared to the number of people seeking to act on those aspects? There is enough of aspect A for all, but 27% will miss out on aspect B, and almost 78% will be disappointed in their search for aspect C. And don't forget to factor in that while the location might not have or carry and weapons in the traditional sense (nothing you have to wait 5 days for), they do carry a number of sporting goods, and many sports are somehow heavy blunt object that can be swung like a club based. That is just one of those eerie coincidences, like Lincoln's secretary being named Kennedy and Kennedy's secretary being named as a plaintiff in a paternity suit against an estate (ZING!!!!!!!).
And I am not allowed to carry ANY sort of weapon. Not even a stick or club of my own.
I have been involved in more than a few altercations at the ol' Bullseye. They train you on how to move and react in a team scenario in order to apprehend and subdue, and it is a technique that works well. Add to that my history of working in bars and at concerts, and I can pretty much hold my own in most circumstances. But when you have 75 angry grandmothers coming at you on Hoverounds while waving canes and / or umbrellas at you, well you have yourself a "Choose Your Own Adventure" of litigious proportions.
THAT is what I am looking forward to for the weekend, in addition to the usual holiday shoppers who are just annoying as all hell. And as an added bonus, I have to work Saturday night (I am usually off Saturdays), because a co-worker needs the night off.
I am going to go there tonight and requisition a big flask. If I am going down, I am going down swinging. And drunk as all hell.

No comments:

Post a Comment