Friday, September 26, 2008

Today's Reveal Is...

It is time to tell you a little bit about what I am leaving behind...

I would hope you know who this is in real life, but in case you don't, her name is Linda Carter. One of the Hen's name is Linda Carter. Linda is one of the less annoying Hens, for the most part we got along well and liked each other. There were a few moments of tension here and there, but I guess that is to be expected from any long term working relatinoship. I will definitely miss working with her.

This is Sybella (I did a GIS for the first names and found that 99% of the first 3 or 4 pages for almost everyone was really hot chicks with almost no clothing on. Seeing how I am describing middle aged women with multiple children (except for Josh, who I will get to in a minute), the thought of posting a bunch of cheesecake pictures didn't work for me. Sybella is the one that I had the most fun playfully picking on, and she returned the favor in spades. She may have taken about 9 months to learn my name, but she never let me forget that she knew that I was here. I will miss her, too.

There is no one named Jetun on the internet. So I searched for "the lurker" and found this. Yes, the Lurker is named Jetun. She was my confidant here, and the one I could always look to when things got inane / stupid / shotgun worthy. I will probably miss her most of all.

Julie. There are 2 Julie's here. One I kinda know, one I know a little better, and I like her a lot. She is one of the lucky ones (one of the ones that has a real office with a door that she can shut when the Hens get too riled up. She is opinionated and has that twinkle in her eye / voice that I always appreciated. And I think that she knew that she had an ally in me.

You should know this person's name. The first name is the same as the person in question.


She is the one who started 99% of the conversations that made me want to tear out my hair and start cock slapping people. She is the one who HAD to tell us all about what happened on Dancing with the Stars and how offended she was that Clay Aiken came out of the closet. HE HAS A KID! He shouldn't be allowed to have a child if he is gay! He will make the child gay!


Tina became the one that annoyed me the most after Asian Mustard Lady went off to the upper, above ground levels of the hospital, then eventually to the medical center downtown. She is the one that I am going to be most tempted to walk up to, drop my pants, and fart in her face as I prepare to leave for the day.

The thing is, she never meant to be annoying. And to everyone else down here she wasn't (I guess). But she drove me up a damn wall.

But of course, you know I am saving the BEST for last...

The BIG reveal...

You know, I was going to talk about Josh the Mormon Finance Expert (the one who was hired to figure out ways for the hospital to save money), who I think came up with the idea to outsource my means of income. The thing is, I don't blame him. He was hired to do a job and he did it. How can you fault him for it? It would be like holding Carole responsible for taking a job that as better for her because it was worse for me. It's not his fault. And since we didn't really work together or talk all that often, I am giving him a pass. Besides, Tina annoys him, too. Although with the two of them I think it has a lot more to do with un-acted upon sexual tension (but the thought of the two of them, well just be glad you don't know what they actually look like. It is enough to make even ME want to skip a meal or two).
Allen is the guy in charge of the IT department, and he is an ass. There is no other way to say it. He is a tyrant, and I have seen more turnover in the It department than I have in a bakery (ZING!). But I never really had to deal with him in any other way than his duplicitous best, since he always glad handed me whenever we talked. He's a schmuck, but he really isn't worth any more words than I have already used on him.
So that leaves just ONE person...
Jabberjaws' real name is Elaine. Her last name is Zimmerman. Why am I telling you this? Because I want to make sure if you ever see that name in relationship to you or your life YOU RUN THE HELL AWAY AND DO NOT LOOK BACK, because she will be following you like something out of a George Romero movie. One of the main reasons I chose to work from home on Wednesdays, besides the fact that it was my day off from Bullseye Inc. and it gave me a day of rest, was because Wednesday was Elaine Day at Kernan Hospital (HIDDEN REVEAL!!!11!!!). I thoroughly enjoyed not seeing her for months at a time. I think in the last year I saw her twice. Until...
Monday. Yes, she came in on Monday because she wouldn't be able to come in on Wednesday. So I got an unexpected dose of pain to start the week, and to welcome me back from my long weekend of being off from both jobs (I gave myself a 2 day vacation. I am such a selfish bastard). And she was in as rare a form as ever. Jetun was emailing me over and over again (Jetun had the unfortunate position of being in the cubicle directly in front of her, and due to the placement of the desks in said cubicles, she has to face her whenever she is in. But don't think that stopped Elaine from talking to ALL of us. At one point when I was trying to convince her that Wifey was not an actor but instead was a lumberjack (don't ask), she came over and looked at the picture of Wifey that (until this morning when I packed up the stuff from my desk) sits prominently in MY cubicle and commented that because of Wifey's noticeable assets (she was wearing a corset type thingy under her wedding dress, making her already noticeable gifts THAT much more prominent as she CLIMBED OUT OF THE LIMO) that there was no way she could be a lumberjack (and while telling me of her Sherlock-like observations, her own sandbag-esque - haven't been fun since Coolidge was President - "funbags" were randomly swinging around under her blouse, hitting me on the shoulder 3 or 4 times. And now Wifey knows why I have had trouble sleeping this week).
After about 3 hours of her, I realized that I no longer had to give a shit about her, and I felt incredibly free. However, I didn't want to offend her OUTRIGHT, so I started talking about black holes. I postulated that if black holes absorb all matter, wouldn't they eventually get so heavy that they could no longer HOLD all that matter, and wouldn't the matter then find an exit port SOMEWHERE and come spewing out in a constant stream?
Everyone got it but her. SYBELLA even got it. And that should tell you how UNSUBTLE I was being. Elaine is just that damn clueless.
But I couldn't leave here without leaving her something. And since whenever anyone uses her cubicle area on any of the 4 days per week that she isn't here she freaks out I left about 15 things that I no longer need from my cubicle in her area. I also put up a Jewish New Year calendar that I got from SuperFresh up on her wall, because if ANYONE is known for her being of the people and having her finger on the pulse of a multicultural workspace, it would be Elaine.
I have to go now, the first "surprise" going away party is about to start. I can smell the pizza.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Today's Mood Is...

Okay, it is my last week here in Moleville, and I am all about revealing a little more of the day to day insanity.
The Mother Hen? She shares the same name as the lady up above (above this sentence. Not getting TOO ethereal here). Esther is ther one that likes to cluck about EVERYTHING, and arrange all these team building activities that she is convinced fosters closer working relationships. She is also the one that likes to send emails to everyone down here in the billing office from the refridgerator reminding us to take out our stuff that has been here too long or it will be thrown out (and honestly, if I haven't finished off that lasagna that I brought in back in mid July, what makes you think that I care about the disposable Glad brand tupperware?). Only she cannot spell "fridge", so we get emails from the frig.
I can't make up this kind of crap.
She is also the one hat complains to your boss about your radio being too loud, but Lord help you if you have a problem with her Elvis or Beach Boys music.
But since I am leaving her behind, I can forgive all of that.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Today's Mood Is...

I really hope that this works, unlike the GIF's I posted the other day

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Today's Mood Is...

No, it does rule. Do not argue with the Dark Lord of fabrics.

Time to clear out some files...

I have a bunch of pics I have saved on my computer here at Paroleville. Some I am keping for future use here, but there are some that I just don't want to hold back from you.


Monday, September 15, 2008

Today's Mood Is...

I do have anew job lined up. But I don't know if I "love" it. So I am looking for people who want to pay me for to do THIS.
I am excellent at it. One of the best around. And I am willing to travel to do it. You can send me pretty much anywhere you want. I don't even need a fancy hotel.
Let me know if you know anyone.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Today's Mood Is...

with a bonus helping of...

Okay, here it is...
First, apologies go out to C3PO the Translator Lawyer for him having to find out about my life's upheavals here and not through a personal phone call. Maybe if the two of us hadn't been skipping trivia for the last month and a half it wouldn't have come to this.
Now, with that out of the way, on to business. My last day here in Moleville is September 26th. On the 29th I begin my new job, which is my old job. Confused? You won't be, after this episode of Soap...
But seriously, I have been hired by the company that is taking over my job, and will be doing my job THERE. What does all of this mean? Well, it means a little more in pay, at least to start. No 401K yet, but they are working to set that up (it is a smaller company, but it looks like it is set to grow. More on that in a sec). After 90 days, health bennies they pay 70% and I pay 30. But there is no extra charge for family. So that is another benefit.
And now for the best part...
This company (like this hospital before I got here), doesn't understand one damn thing about dental billing. Why is that good? Because they are interested in expanding their dental billing area once they learn what it is and how they can profit from it. And THAT is where I really come in. I talked to them about that very thing before they even offered me a job. They mentioned that they didn't know the first thing about dental billing, and I told them that I thought it was an untapped market. Apparently my thoughts on how dental billing could expand business, and that no one is really doing it, and they decided to offer me a job and talk to me about leading them into that expansion once they get the hang of the dental part. So there is the opportunity for moving up in the company, if I can show them how they can make a profit on it.
I actually have to go to a meeting this morning with them and my soon to be former boss about the transition, so I have to go now. But hopefully tomorrow I will be able to start pulling back the curtain on all the asshattery that I have only been alluding to all these years. I might just turn into required reading, kiddies!

Beginning to pull back the curtain

If you know anything about wrestling, you know who this is. If you don't, well, his name is Jim Ross. And he is pretty much universally considered one of if not the best announcer in the history of the business, and definitely the top working right now. So why is he here? Because I am taking great pains to make sure that if I feel the need to call out someone for their being an ass, that you know who I am talking about, and who I am not talking about. And while the Jim Ross pictured above is a fan of the Oklahoma Sooners, I have decided to not hold that bit of poor decision making against him, and say that I LIKE this Jim Ross. However, there is another Jim Ross. One that works here, as the boss of the boss of my soon to be former boss (didja follow THAT?). He is high above Moleville, and he even has a title. It is a five word title. I don't know what it is, but the acronym for his title is FACHE. Which I have always pronounced "FA-chee".

I was just at a farewell party for my soon to be former boss. From this point on I will just call her Carole, because that is her first name, and I don't have anything bad to say about her. But at this farewell party, not only was I subjected to having to at least feign interest in the words of the man who is Carole's boss, the man who decided offhandedly to outsource my (and many other loyal, hard working people's) job(s), make lame attempts at humor while explaining what HE went through when he heard that he was losing Carole (he also went on and on about how he was originally the boss of the man he replaced, the man who hired Carole away) in what I can only interpret as a vainglorious attempt to re-establish his alpha male identity in the confines of the hospital, I was also forced to listen to and watch the jackass that I always called "FA-chee" as he sat there on a table (so his Napoleonic complex wouldn't get the best of him), his stubby legs swinging back and forth like Carol Ann as he surveyed his minions eating chicken salad wraps and meatballs and drinking overly sweetened punch, watching the managers of the hospital mingle with each other while those of us with our heads on the chopping blocks sat around. I was half expecting to have to get together as a group and face him, saying in unison "Those of us who are about to die SALUTE YOU!" But we didn't have to do that. Which was nice.

The wraps were pretty tasty, too.

But I told you all of this in order to introduce you to one of the men who caused BSR to have one of the worst weeks EVER. And since I just watched him glad hand a bunch of people who's lives he ruined without a hint of remorse, I can only call him...

T-22 and counting.


Have you ever taken a crap so massive that when you finished your pants actually were looser? I had to use a new hole on my belt this morning. It isn't exactly how I planned to lose weight, but I'll take it.