You know, I feel amazingly chipper and awake, all things considered...
At 2:07 AM on Wednesday, November 19th 2008, my wife got a leg cramp. How do I know the exact time? Because when it happened she woke up with a scream and swung her leg at me (I can only figure she was bringing it to me to massage it). However, through the pain, she lost the ability to judge space and time and immediately dropped her foot right on my balls.
And THAT, my friends, is NOT how a man likes to be roused from peaceful slumber.
So as I lay curled up in the fetal position, with Wifey intermittently crying in pain and apologizing to me for doing the Hulk Hogan to my half of our unborn children (who will no doubt come out a little loopy from this experience, as if having to share DNA with me wasn't enough of a curse), I took a gander at the clock. And it said that it was 2:08 AM.
So that was my middle of the night...
It took a little while to fall back asleep. As soon as I could move my legs again, I got up and got Wifey a glass of water and some potassium pills (I also have a problem with leg cramps from time to time, and usually keep some potassium in a couple of places around the house as a precaution. However I, as a rule, do not kick my spouse in the genitalia when it happens. If THIS is how she is going to react to a leg cramp there is no way in hell that I will be in the delivery room if and when that blessed day occurs). Then I laid back down. Wifey fell asleep pretty quickly all things considered, but it seems that there were still some pains, as she spent the next 45 minutes or so whimpering / crying in her sleep, and since I was awakened by something rather jarring I was not falling asleep quite so easily. The pain was gone (for the most part. Guys, you know what it is like to get hit with absolutely NO prior warning. There is a low level ache for about 15-20 minutes at least), but I was pretty much awake at that point. And once I am awake my brain starts to churn and that leads me to a Mobius strip of consciousness.
I need to make it clear that I am not mad at, nor do I blame Wifey for what happened. It was OBVIOUSLY not intentional, and the fact that through all of the pain she kept apologizing shows how bad she felt about it. So in the spirit of fairness I will also take this "public" (in quotes because while it is open to the world to read, only 7 people actually read it, so it isn't like I am buying advertising time during the Super Bowl here) forum to apologize to Wifey as well. After I got her the water and potassium pills, I decided to go to the bathroom (running my hands under the water to check the temperature set off my bladder like I was the first one asleep at a slumber party). I delicately removed the cloth covering and exposed my wounded soldier to the light and air in order to facilitate his process. Afterwards I flushed the toilet (I wasn't born in, nor have I ever urinated in, a barn, you know). Lately there has been a random problem with the toilet still running after flushing (I just have to go in there and check the arm and the seal, not a big deal but nothing I have gotten around to doing since it happens so rarely that I don't think about it when I am home, and a simple jiggling of the handle keeps it from happening). Well, as Wifey lay in bed, at the end of her ordeal, she turned her head to me and told me to check the toilet. I did, and it wasn't making any noise, so I told her so. She said to jiggle the handle, I told her I already did and that it isn't running. She said she could hear it so I snapped "FINE, I'll go jiggle the damn handle!".
With all things considered I think I get a pass on that one. After all, even if it WAS unintentional she KICKED ME IN THE BALLS!!!!!!!!! I am allowed to be a little grumpy after that.
The weird thing is, except for a crick in my neck / back (my neck, my back, my pu.........never mind) and my usual assortment of ailments / impairments I feel pretty good. Not overly tired (I have had my usual coffee intake plus a little extra, so that might be a little misleading), and I have been pretty chipper here at work, joking and joshing with the gang (or at least the ones that I like talking to).
To be honest, I fear what will happen when the other shoe drops.