At first I was all like...
...but then I was all like...
Apparently a circuit breaker blew on me yesterday at some point in the morning (it turned out to be temporary, just wait, I'll get to it). I went to Home Depot to get a replacement, but got the wrong kind. It had been a long day in a long week, and since all that particular circuit breaker controlled was the lights in the ceiling of the first floor (kitchen / living room / dining room) but didn't affect the outlets (still had power to fridge, computer, television), I said "screw it, I'll get the right one tomorrow in between jobs and go from there.
The light switch in the kitchen was installed sideways. Why? Because the electrician who set up this house was on whatever passed for crack in the 1940's. This is important in a moment...
Mommo-in-law came by yesterday morning to do some laundry and take care of The Dog of Ultimate EVOL for a while (this is how I found out about the electricity problem, a I called her to tell her that there was something in the fridge for her to take home with her, and after she told me of the problem we agreed to avoid opening the fridge until I could document that the fridge was working on keeping the stuff in it as viable vittles). I am guessing that as she discovered the problem of the not having lights and ceiling fans that worked she moved through the house to see the extent of the problem (since it was the middle of the day she didn't need the lights on to see, I know that for sure). And since the light switch in the kitchen is sideways, it is not obvious to anyone if the switch is in the on or off position if the light is not working. That is why I almost had an accident in the bed at 4 this morning.
"Whatever do you mean, Ron?"
I am glad you asked.
Our bedroom is in the basement. During the winter (or whenever it is cold enough that Wifey wants to use the space heater, which means any temperature below 78 Fahrenheit), we close the door to the basement in order to keep the heat where we are. But when it DOES warm up past Wifey heating standards, we leave the basement door OPEN, so that the heat can escape up the stairs and away from us. And since the door to the basement is in the kitchen, and at some time around 4AM today the circuit breaker re-set itself (hence the temporary thing from before), the light in the kitchen suddenly came on.
Larry the Upstairs Neighbor is not known for coming into our part of the house unannounced at 4 in the morning. Besides the point that I had closed and locked the door to our part of the house earlier. Wifey is somewhere north of the Mason Dixon line, living the high life. So it is just me and Evol Dog (and Typhoid Mary the cat) in our part of the house. Neither of them can reach the switch, let alone turn it on. Plus, they were both in the bed when it happened. And to be honest, at 4AM the fact that the light was not working earlier is not the first thing you think of.
The first thing you think of is "BURGLAR!". Or to be precise "BURGLAR WITH A NIGHT VISION PROBLEM!!!!!".
So after I was shocked awake by lights suddenly coming on in my house, and after I calmed my bladder down (home intrusion is not time for a piss break, ya know?), I grabbed my Mag Lite flashlight (the 6 cell one that is perfect for braining some idiot with) and the 4 inch think dowel rod that is about the length of a long nunchuk handle, and made my way to a place where I could see up the stairs, and I listened for activity (I also grabbed my phone and dialed 9-1, with my finger on the 1 in order to complete the call as soon as I heard them unplugging and moving my television). After 5 minutes or so of hearing nothing but the fans in the basement running (and beginning to do the pee pee bounce dance), I ventured up the stairs and found that everything was exactly where I left it, it was just better illuminated than before. EVOL dog gave me a look of "since we're up here, how about some Snausages for my trouble?". I turned off the lights, went back downstairs and took a leak that would have made Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds 2 jealous.
This is why I am drinking my grandfather's favorite coffee this morning.