Friday, September 26, 2008

The BIG reveal...

You know, I was going to talk about Josh the Mormon Finance Expert (the one who was hired to figure out ways for the hospital to save money), who I think came up with the idea to outsource my means of income. The thing is, I don't blame him. He was hired to do a job and he did it. How can you fault him for it? It would be like holding Carole responsible for taking a job that as better for her because it was worse for me. It's not his fault. And since we didn't really work together or talk all that often, I am giving him a pass. Besides, Tina annoys him, too. Although with the two of them I think it has a lot more to do with un-acted upon sexual tension (but the thought of the two of them, well just be glad you don't know what they actually look like. It is enough to make even ME want to skip a meal or two).
Allen is the guy in charge of the IT department, and he is an ass. There is no other way to say it. He is a tyrant, and I have seen more turnover in the It department than I have in a bakery (ZING!). But I never really had to deal with him in any other way than his duplicitous best, since he always glad handed me whenever we talked. He's a schmuck, but he really isn't worth any more words than I have already used on him.
So that leaves just ONE person...
Jabberjaws' real name is Elaine. Her last name is Zimmerman. Why am I telling you this? Because I want to make sure if you ever see that name in relationship to you or your life YOU RUN THE HELL AWAY AND DO NOT LOOK BACK, because she will be following you like something out of a George Romero movie. One of the main reasons I chose to work from home on Wednesdays, besides the fact that it was my day off from Bullseye Inc. and it gave me a day of rest, was because Wednesday was Elaine Day at Kernan Hospital (HIDDEN REVEAL!!!11!!!). I thoroughly enjoyed not seeing her for months at a time. I think in the last year I saw her twice. Until...
Monday. Yes, she came in on Monday because she wouldn't be able to come in on Wednesday. So I got an unexpected dose of pain to start the week, and to welcome me back from my long weekend of being off from both jobs (I gave myself a 2 day vacation. I am such a selfish bastard). And she was in as rare a form as ever. Jetun was emailing me over and over again (Jetun had the unfortunate position of being in the cubicle directly in front of her, and due to the placement of the desks in said cubicles, she has to face her whenever she is in. But don't think that stopped Elaine from talking to ALL of us. At one point when I was trying to convince her that Wifey was not an actor but instead was a lumberjack (don't ask), she came over and looked at the picture of Wifey that (until this morning when I packed up the stuff from my desk) sits prominently in MY cubicle and commented that because of Wifey's noticeable assets (she was wearing a corset type thingy under her wedding dress, making her already noticeable gifts THAT much more prominent as she CLIMBED OUT OF THE LIMO) that there was no way she could be a lumberjack (and while telling me of her Sherlock-like observations, her own sandbag-esque - haven't been fun since Coolidge was President - "funbags" were randomly swinging around under her blouse, hitting me on the shoulder 3 or 4 times. And now Wifey knows why I have had trouble sleeping this week).
After about 3 hours of her, I realized that I no longer had to give a shit about her, and I felt incredibly free. However, I didn't want to offend her OUTRIGHT, so I started talking about black holes. I postulated that if black holes absorb all matter, wouldn't they eventually get so heavy that they could no longer HOLD all that matter, and wouldn't the matter then find an exit port SOMEWHERE and come spewing out in a constant stream?
Everyone got it but her. SYBELLA even got it. And that should tell you how UNSUBTLE I was being. Elaine is just that damn clueless.
But I couldn't leave here without leaving her something. And since whenever anyone uses her cubicle area on any of the 4 days per week that she isn't here she freaks out I left about 15 things that I no longer need from my cubicle in her area. I also put up a Jewish New Year calendar that I got from SuperFresh up on her wall, because if ANYONE is known for her being of the people and having her finger on the pulse of a multicultural workspace, it would be Elaine.
I have to go now, the first "surprise" going away party is about to start. I can smell the pizza.

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