Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented

Because sometimes you need a parrot singing Drowning Pool. You might not know it yet. But you do.

Today's Mood Is...

I have had my fill of homespun "aw shucks" homilies and sayings that you expect to hear in a badly stereotypical characterization of "Southern Life". Doo Wop has been spouting the Asian Mustard Lady classic "Sugar Honey Iced Tea" approximately every 27 seconds, and to add to it Gramma Mabley just uttered (about a person she was just on the phone with) "She's out to breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and didn't even pack a snack".

Not only do I not know what the hell that is supposed to mean (if you are going out for a meal you wouldn't pack a snack. Going out for 3 meals makes snack packing even more unlikely), but she has said it 3 times now, each time a little louder, waiting for someone to acknowledge both the accuracy of her assessment AND the validity of her incredulity over it.

I'm beginning to think that I'd get more job satisfaction out of being a commisioned pork salesman in Dubai.

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented

Grandma reading 5o Cent's Tweets

BONUS REASON!!!

Same Grandma reading Kanye West's Tweets

Both NSFW, but funny as hell.

Today's Reason

Today's Mood Is...

I'm really not feeling the office thing today. I might just go full Milton.

I bet I get some cake this time.

Im'ma try sumthin

Artie Donovan's Workout Partner just made it to the "non-Sun blogs" page of the Baltimore Sun's webpage. To wit, I am trying to make my stuff look a little more professional. Ergo (uncommon words rule) I am going to see if I have figured out how to make my links pop up in a new tab / window instead of changing the page.

And now to post this and see if it worked.

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented...

http://kimjongillookingatthings.tumblr.com/

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented...

So you can read an interview w/ Oscar the Grouch.

http://www.digitalspy.com/tv/interviews/a291097/oscar-the-grouch-sesame-tree.html

A Brand New Feature

Today, for the first time, I present

Today's Reason The Internet Was Invented

http://www.hairpieceorherpes.com/

Today's Mood Is...

Woke up with the "gotta vomit, please let me get to the bathroom in time" feeling, and had one of my patented "Puke so hard the capillaries in my face pop and I look like an extra in Outbreak" faces all day, to the point that work sent me home early (after the floor manager asked me if I needed an ambulance. I didn't think I looked that bad...).

I picked the wrong time to have a bunch of "end of the month" paperwork to do...

Friday Funday

I love Modern Family. I really think it is one of the 5 best shows on TV right now. It is well written, well acted, and it has a good balance of comedy and quiet moments. And it treats families w/respect.

As far as the comedy goes, it is one of the only shows out there that recognizes the comedic value of silence. Of letting the moment happen instead of pointing to it and saying "LOOK HOW FUNNY THIS IS!!!!!!" It doesn't foist a laugh track on the viewers, which lets the audience decide what it wants to laugh at. And it is showing growth in the characters, which is completely unexpected in a sitcom.

Plus, it has this...

God bless America. And Ed O'Neill is a lucky, lucky bastard.

Because being the "Crazy Old Woman Who Says Inappropriate Things All The Time" lady wasn't good enough...

Now we have added on to it that she calls her daughter's dog her "grandpuppy"...

Today's Mood Is...

Looks like it's time to...

...mow the lawn

Today's Mood Is...

Today's "Ric Romero" moment

Many companies have outsourced their call center business to overseas offices, and many of those are in Pakistan and India. The best way to make sure everyone in the office is aware of this is to do a highly racist and offensively stereotypical Pakistani or Indian accent (because they all sound alike to you) and to start saying that your name is Dan, how can you help us, and then saying that everyone knows your real name is Sanjeep (or some other name that you think sounds sufficiently Indian).

Today's "First Thing In The Morning" Dose of Obviousness

"Girl, I be so lazy"

Things I Am Betting That I Heard Out Of Context While Walking Back To My Cubicle While Trying To Wait Out The End Of My Workday/Week...

"That's good, David, that you can stretch it out that far"

So I *HAVE Been Doing It Wrong All These Years...

Happy Halloween, y'all!!

-all images gleefully stolen from HERE

Today's "Stuck In The Office On A Sunny Friday Afternoon" Mood Is...

Today's Mood Is...

Today's BONUS "Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Wife (The Taken Out Of Context Edition)"

"I was laughing at your turnpike thingy".

2 for 1 Special. Great...

Today's "I Didn't Need To Hear A 60 Something Year Old Woman Say That" Moment Is...

"I would have been here sooner, but I had to figure out a way to get that Johnson straight".

My Job Is Turning Me Into Seinfeld

Not the way I like to envision myself.

So I am sitting here, trying to post payments and do all those things that actually justify the paycheck that I receive twice a month, and the Nigerian Nightmare is at her cubiclette sipping her hot tea. Nothing wrong with that. Except that it is a loud, slurping sip followed by an audible sigh.

I was never a big fan of Seinfeld, but I thought it was relatively funny, and as an improv comic you need to be aware of things on the pop culture zeitgeist, which Seinfeld definitely was. Hell, the automatic spell check on Google Chrome doesn't flag "Seinfeld" as a made up word, and like most spell checkers it hates uncommon names. So I have watched more than a few episodes over the years, and there was one that had a person who sipped coffee loudly while in a night class w/George. And since the show loved to celebrate how something rather innocuous could drive someone crazy, you can probably guess the results.

I'll give you a hint. The reaction was not rational or reasonable by any stretch of the imagination. Hopefully, that is not too much of a spoiler.

So in between her yelling at people / voice prompts on the phone with her heavily accented English speaking voice, I keep hearing "sluuuuuurppppppp...ahhhhhhhhhh"

And it is driving me CRAZY.

Quite possibly.

Still waiting on that heretofore unknown rich old relative who always admired me from afar to go ahead and kick the proverbial bucket...

Today's Mood Is...

Last Night's Nugget of Wawa Wisdom...

"Some people start out young"

Yes. And the rest are named Benjamin Button.

-overheard at the coffee bar while restocking stirrers

Today's "That's What She Said" Moment Is...

"Sometimes it gets too hot, so I hold it for a while. It gets too hot for my mouth"

-overheard at Costco

Today's Mood Is...

English for the English impaired

As always, an actual transcript of conversation here in Purgatory...

"That girl is a hellion."

"What's a hellion?"

"You know...um...she's off the chain."

"Oh (nods understandingly)."

How are we supposed to make the English language the official language of America when the denizens of the country can't get the simple parts down? I mean. use context, people! When Doo Wop is talking (as she OFTEN is) about her granddaughter, and this particular story (which she is now telling for the 3rd time in succession) involves said granddaughter sassing back to Doo Wop, followed by "that little girl is a hellion, let me tell you"...

The word "hell" is right in the damn word! She is talking about the child acting up! CONTEXT tells you at least the gist of the word!!!!!

Come on heretofore unknown rich distant relative who always liked me best, but from afar...

More Words You Don't Want To Hear From The 60-Something Year Old Woman Who Works In Your Office

"It upset my heinie so bad that I was up all night. I used all kinds of pillows but couldn't sleep none."

Brain soap, please

2 Things:

1. I don't like it when old ladies come up behind me and put their hands on my shoulder (or anywhere else, for that matter), and begin to regale me with stories of their past.
2. I really don't need to hear about hiding from their newlywed husband in the bathroom at 3 am because they had "a little diarrhea".

Sigh.

Today's Bright and Early on a Monday Morning Mood Is...

with a side of...

There is someone who works here that I have previously, to the best of my knowledge, named. Mainly because she is hardly ever actually in the office because she is a field rep. But pretty much any time she is in the office, my life gets exponentially more difficult.

You see, I understand that different people have different levels of intelligence. I do not blame someone because they cannot understand something. But when someone is willfully ignorant, it really pisses me off. And when they take pride in their ignorance, well...

Chris understands.

So the field rep comes in this morning to grab some paperwork before she heads out on the road to do whatever the hell it is she does out there, and while she is sitting at her cubiclette, she is asking about a patient that she has to see. And THAT is when she said "She be where at?"

...

+

Really?

So, basically, I work with Ghetto Yoda.

And THAT is how a name is created.

Today's Nugget of Office Wisdom

Companies that offer car insurance will check your credit score and history, and use that as a determining factor in setting your rates, as well as your choices of coverage and deductibles.

Today's Mood Is...

Hey ma! Get off the dang roof!

It is amazing how one simple invention can make life so much easier. Take the telephone, for instance. It is a simple device, really, but it allows people that are great distances away to communicate with ease. And it eliminates the need to constantly yell and annoy the people around you.

You can see it, can't you?

The Nigerian Nightmare apparently doesn't understand that the phone allows you to not have to yell. Also, for future reference, if no one understands you, maybe it isn't everyone else.

Today's Morbo Moment Is...

You cannot begin the name "Shawn" with a "C-H". Voiceless postalveolar affricates don't work that way!!!

Today's Mood Is...

Before you read too much into this, I am still employed at Purgatory. In fact, I am here right now, slacking in betwixt posting payments for patients w/names like Ta'Majai and Jarmal (srsly? Ya, srsly). But still, the list is valid...

Some of you know that I started looking for a new part time job recently. And for all intents and purposes I found one, at Helen Keller's favorite convenience store...

Whatchoo lookin' at, fool? My master needs some coffee or some damn thing!

I went through the interview process, and all seemed okay. From the sound of things, they were looking to fast track me into a team leader position. And hey, free coffee while you're on the clock! And then, my first shift happened...

Do NOT Google Image Search "Shift Happens" on a work computer with the safe search off. Trust me when I say I speak from experience.

I knew I was in for a long day when I was told my shift was 10 pm - 7 am. They had mentioned working the graveyard shift, and I was okay with it. It is my fault for not saying to them "Overnights are cool, but since I already have a 40 hour per week job, can we not schedule back to back weeknights?" clearly enough (I did tell them that I prefer weekend nights over weeknights because of the whole "day job" thing, but I am guessing it couldn't get through the sheer volume of Aqua Net that the Store Manager used to keep her hair in place. Seriously, it was Jimmy Johnson-esque in its ability to defy the elements and in fact the very laws of nature). So there I was last night, working a 9 hour shift from hell. And since 2 people called out, there was no one who could take the time to begin my actual training. So I spent the day doing grunt work, sweeping, mopping, cleaning the bathrooms (none of which are anything I am against doing as they are part of the job and since I cannot work the register or make subs, my options to contribute are severely limited).

And now for Good News / Bad News:

The Good News is that Wawa pays you when you are on break, so a 10 pm to 7 am shift gets you 9 hours, even though you get a 30 minute break.

The Bad News is that Wawa doesn't feel compelled to give you that break. If something comes up, you don't get to take a break. I believe it is called the "Too Bad / So Sad" Corollary".

Well, it seems that last night was supposed to be a "So Sad" kind of night. But I figured once a full staff of people came in starting at 5 this morning (including one who, when seeing me behind the coffee station, decided to say - loudly - "Who the HELL is that?!?". My line of thinking is that since the two people who work there that she did know who the hell they were seemed okay with the fat guy making a pot of Costa Rican for mass consumption, she could have probably rolled with it, or come up to me and introduced herself to me and asked me who I was that way. But that's just me, I suppose) that it would be acceptable for me to take a quick 15 and have a seat for a while. From the looks / sounds of things when I came out of the break room, I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

Now let us add to the magical evening. The shift manager last night didn't actually speak to me for the first couple of hours. At one point, when I went up to her to ask her what I could do next to help, she got on her headset and told the other girl to tell me to sweep the store. And she would up being my favorite person there, once she actually spoke to me and stuff. As for the other girl, well, did you ever see the Family Guy when Brian had a girlfriend who was voiced by Drew Barrymore?

Even animated she makes my Top 5 All Time Crushes. And right now you are SO doing what Stewie is doing, so you are in the same boat. Perv.

Well, she did the thing that Drew's character did. Where she'd stop talking? In the middle of a thought? While raising the last syllable higher? Like it was a question?

Yeah, I was feelin' it.

So where does that leave me? Well, there was one thing brought up by the Incredulous Bitch (who the HELL is that?!?). It seems that she had surgery on her foot not too long ago, and in fact just got out of her boot that is very similar to mine

So you have a frame of reference

And she was surprised that I was allowed to work at Wawa in that boot, since she had to wait until she was out of hers to come back. Now when I was in my 2nd interview (the one with Jimmy Johnson), I was asked if I had a shoe that offered more protection than my driving shoe, which has a similar base, but is much more open across the top and toe area (and allows me to actually flex my ankle, which is an important attribute for a driving shoe). I told her that I had a boot that covers my foot. Methinks what this all breaks down to is miscommunication.

Unless I am just misremembering. It has been known to happen.

Either way, the Assistant Manager asked me about having any other shoe / boot that I could wear, and I told her that unfortunately I did not, and that the last time the doctor tried to put me in a regular shoe, within a week a developed blood blisters so bad that I am down to my last strike against having more surgery. As I was leaving, I asked her (jokingly, at least to me) to give me a call if I still have a job after she talks to the manager. And apparently the manager called my house at approximately 7:04 this morning and asked me to call her on her cell phone. Since I was not home, and not on my way home, Wifey dutifully took the message, and as she is not feeling well, promptly rolled right the hell back over and went back to sleep.

Follow Up Report:

I just spoke to Manager Jimmy, and it seems that I *am* still employed by Wawa, and that she called me specifically about my schedule and not about my choice in footwear. So I do work tonight, which means a quick nap this afternoon and back to the hoagie grind at 10 pm.

...but I am still kind of pissed about that whole break thing. Oh well, if it means we get to not eat government cheese...

Today's Mood Is...

I just sat through a debate as The Nigerian Nightmare and Bubba Gump the IT guy debated which sex was smarter, men or women. It was almost as riveting as it sounds (although I will admit that I only heard part of it, as the rest of the argument was blissfully blocked out by Tom Petty coming on my iTunes, allowing me to spend 5:04 listening to "Don't Come Around Here No More", which was infinitely more entertaining than the argument. Among the highlights that I did hear were:

• Women don't know when to shut up and go to bed
• Houses work best when everyone knows their role
• Wharblgarble

That last one was pretty much the majority of the conversation.

Tomorrow makes 5 years

Since Wifey and I tied the knot. And while we are apart right now, we will be together this evening. But until then, all I can say is...