Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Demon fan and other tidbits

I really wanted to post some pics from the new lineup of Dancing With The Stars. I have never watched that show. I mean that I have not seen 1 second of the show on T.V., online, or anywhere else. I know of its existence because I have heard it mentioned ad nauseum since its inception. So why would I want to post pics from this abomination of a program? Because this year the "stars" include the folowwing...

Jerry "Lesbian Nazi Hookers on the next" Springer

Mario "How did Zach get NYPD Blue & I get this, no I'm not gay dammit" Lopez

...and best of all...

Joey "I had hair when I was on Blossom" Lawrence

Yes, you heard it here 1st. Joey Lawrence shaves his head. Since no white guy since Telly Savales has looked good shaved bald (and he had that swarthy Mediterranean look), and to the best of my knowledge he hasn't had any disease requiring chemo treatments, he must therefore be going bald and decided to shave his head to show his hairline who's in charge. Great thinking Joey! When is that 2nd pop album coming out? I am already in line to pick it up. Really.

So Wifey reminded me last night that I never told you about my possessed fan. I will be correcting that now. But before I do that, I need to once again say hello to all the Ronnettes (that is the official name I have given all of Wifey's friends/co-workers who read this thing. I figure Phil Spector is a little too busy to give me shit about the name choice right now). Yesterday was the birthday gathering for one of Wifey's co-workers (I need to think of a good nickname for her in case she becomes a more regular conversation point on here. For now, I will call her Killian because she has red hair like Killina's Irish Red, but she was made in the middle of Americana, like Killian's Irish Red. She's from Illinois, Killians is from Golden, Colorado. Yup, it is basically Coors Light with some food dye. And if you are going to drink that watered down piss, why pay extra? Just buy Keystone Light *the exact same thing* and save a couple of bucks a case). Yes, Killian's birthday is actually today, but the celebration began last night. In a Thai/sushi resteraunt in Towson MD. And with the exception of the Encyclopedia Britannica guy (who is a childhood friend of Killian, and it turns out is a pretty cool guy) and the Human Jawbone (claiming neutrality so as to not offend. Not everyone likes everyone, he wasn't my cup of sake), Larry the Upstairs Neighbor was the only other guy besides me, and he was a last minute addition. Why is that important? And why am I qualifying the number of men that were there? I'll answer the 2nd question first. The other two guys came in late, and for the most part I was not able to talk to them, or I wasn't bowled over by the conversation. Now the 1st question. Why is that important? Because the estrogen was flowing like soy sauce last night and I was being carried away on a river of "tee-hee"'s and "ghetto tyrants" (do NOT ask) and heaving breasts that I was not supposed to be looking at (and I wasn't. Much. But yeah, I was a little). So of course Larry was at the polar opposite end of the table from me, and since he is not a loud talker and I have a degree of hearing loss and it can be loud with 10 or so women cackling and cavorting, talking to him was impossible. Luckily we have, over the years, become very adept at reading each other's faces. And because of that I can say that 3 of the people at that table should be blushing right now.

The evening was fun. I had some reservations about going because I have been pretty busy the last two weeks and really feel the need to recharge my batteries. But I wanted to spend time with Wifey, and I really like Killian, and I like Pad Thai and sushi, so I figured "what the hell"

A quick sidebar (it is time for BSR to become BWR. The "W" stands for "Whiney"). I thoroughly enjoy making people laugh. It is one of the reasons I put all the crap on here that I do. But the downside to being the funny guy is that you are always expected to be the funny guy when you go out, especially when it is with a group of people you don't see all that often. I wasn't sure if I was going to have the energy to satisfy them. But once the evening got rolling the juices started flowing and I had a great time. According to Wifey, the reviews from last night are in, and they are positively GLOWING. "Funny". "Handsome". "Silly". Sounds like I could have scored last night. So a shout out to all the heaving breasts from last night. Once Wifey cuts me off, I'll be calling you.

Now on to the fan. I sleep with a fan on year round. I like the air on my face, and I like the "white noise". It helps me zone out and sleep. Well last week the fan kept turning in my sleep. I would lay down with it blowing on my face, and when I would wake up, it would have pivoted and would be blowing cooling air in the general vicinity of my special area between my thighs and stomach. Which, when cooled too much, become much less than the sum of their parts. And even though I am married and supposedly don't have to worry about it, that is not a scenario that any man would encourage. Part of me thought I might be turning it in my sleep, which doesn't make a lick of sense, since I really wasn't feeling like I was overly hot there (read this at your own risk) since I sleep either in my undies or in the nude (no mind bleach for you, you were warned). So one morning when I got out of bed, since Wifey was already upstairs (she hates the fan being on when I am not there to block it) I moved the fan back to the original position before I went to the bathroom to prepare for the day. When I came back it was facing the far corner of the bed. So either my fan is trying to escape (I don't think that I have mistreated it) or it (or the house) is possessed. I am leaning towards the fan being possessed. Possibly by the spirit of Johnny 5, I don't know.

It feels like this post is ending up rather abruptly, so let me end it with this blast from my past...

I am pleased to announce that the general knowledge of the public at large appears to be on the rise. Although, this conclusion has not been arrived at through a true scientific test, certain scientific SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures) have been employed. In theorizing that public knowledge has indeed increased, I have used my workplace environment as my sample segment of the population. This environment provides a test group of 207 people, which (given a 5% margin for error) gives a reasonable estimate of the population as a whole. Understanding this, I am pleased to report that the overwhelming majority of the 207 subjects in the test group appear to have a great deal of general knowledge. Evidence of this can be seen through the constant employment (almost overuse) of the qualitative statement, "I know that's right!". Most subjects appear to have a great deal of this general knowledge, affirming that they know what is correct at least five times within any given hour of the eight hour workday (on the average). The subjects also display great joy in sharing their knowledge as the phrase, "I know that's right!" is often followed by loud and raucous laughter. However, this investigation has also yielded a possible observation of concern. The subjects only exhibited knowledge of what was correct. Not once during the course of this investigation did any of the 207 subjects pronounce, "I know that's wrong!". Why exactly this distinct lack of confirming falsehoods occurs (or rather, does not) still remains a mystery. One possible theory for further investigation is that perhaps in having more knowledge, the population at large has also begun speaking more truthfully, thus making it so that there is no need for confirming knowledge of a false statement. Further research is necessary. Until these tests are performed, however, please rest peacefully, secure in the knowledge that people at least have acquired enough knowledge to "know that's right!"

Sorry if that is a re-post. I don't think it is, but just in case. Talk to you later!


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