Thursday, August 31, 2006

The Eternal Battle

Recently I finally took the last required step of manhood. I switched to boxers.

When man (and in this case I am being penis-centric, not universal) is born, he wears diapers. After diapers come Underoos (SPIDER-MAN!!!!!!!!!!). Next come briefs.

The briefs stage can last for a long time. Some men never fully grow out of them. Some even go so far as to move to bikini briefs and banana hammocks. And that is just wrong, unless you have the physique of an underwear model and are packing more than a derringer in your holster. Thankfully I never fell completely under the spell of briefs, as I found the greatest hybrid creation ever...


Yes, the comfort of a boxer, the support of a brief. At this point, I thought I had completed my underwear journey. But that was not to be.

Wifey has been after me for some amount of time to update my underwear. I will admit that some of my undershirts have some holes in them, but the BBs were running fine TYVM. However, as I walked the hallowed halls of Target day after day (after day after day...) I kept seeing the big BTS underwear display (don't try to comprehend it. Don't. Just agree that it exists and move on from there), and I kept seeing boxers in my size (not as common as I would hope). Last week they went on sale, so I broke down and bought a pack (and immediately went to the office to try them on, praying there would be no major call for security while I stood in the middle of the camera room putting underwear on, on top of underwear, while my pants hung over the back of a chair). I found them to be very comfortable, and it was not as hard to get used to the "freeing" aspect of the boxers as I thought it would be. I don't feel as if I am going "Commando", but I might be in the National Guard. The biggest adjustment is that sometimes I have to adjust when I sit, since I am no longer "2 Ball(s) in the side pocket".

There is one major adjustment, however, that I am still trying to adapt to. I don't plan on switching back, but at the same time I am not ready to bleach the living hell out of the old boys and turn them into rags just yet. What is that adjustment you ask? It is this: the boxers have a button in the front to hold the flap closed. After 30+ years (remember, there was no issue involved with diapers) of moving the fold over flaps to their respective sides in order to free the beast to do it's duty, it is difficult (I wanted to say it was hard, but that would make most of you laugh like Beavis and Butthead, and I am trying to make a point here) to remember that I need to undo a button first. My body is trained to recognize the zipper going down as "5 seconds from launch", and now I am delaying it to 8 seconds, but at the 4 second mark. If that sounds complicated/convoluted, it is. But 30+ years of training are hard to just ignore. Especially since the button sits up higher than the flaps were on the old reliables. So my hands automatically go to where there is solid material. Long story short, I have not pissed myself, but I am not saying it is impossible, especially if I get drunk anytime soon (and yes, we are going to a Labor Day party. I might pack spares).

And in case you are wondering why I don't just leave it unbuttoned, I have thought about that. But there are two issues...

1) it doesn't feel wholesome/American. It sounds like something the terrorists would do.

2) if the thought of it distracts me, imagine what the ACTION would do.

And now you know...THE ETERNAL STRUGGLE

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