Thursday, April 16, 2009

An open letter to Richard D.

Dear Richard,

We've never met, although we have spoken at least once.  And that once is right now as I am typing this.  You work for one of the major insurance companies that deals with special needs patients.  I am sure that you work hard, and try to do your best all the time.  But there is a problem Richard, and I feel like I might be the only one who can say anything about it.

I don't know if you were just at the gym right before you answered the phone, or if you are ill, or maybe you are a heavy smoker.  Possibly it is just where you have the phone positioned in relation to your mouth.  It could be you have one of those headsets that are so prevalent in call centers.

But here is the problem Rich (you don't mind if I call you Rich, do you?).  You are a mouth breather, not a nose breather.  And the combination of your intense need for oxygen and where the mouthpiece of the phone is against your face makes it sound like you are inside of an iron lung.  And that becomes disconcerting when you have me waiting for you to look something up, and for 3 minutes straight all I hear is your steady, constant, labored and shallow breathing.

I appreciate all of your help with this issue that you are currently researching for me.  You are going out of your way to rectify this oversight.  But if you could do it without sounding like Mr. Frump I would really appreciate THAT, too.

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