Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Condoms and Candy and Employee Discounts

I started working at Target last week. I am a security guard (like a rent-a-cop, but with an option to buy). As a Target employee, I get a discount when shopping there. Standard perk, but always nice to have. Well, Halloween is rapidly approaching and this is the first holiday my wife and I will celebrate as a couple (of course, I am working that night), and while Halloween isn't exactly a major holiday (hell even banks stay open, and they close for all kinds of holidays you have never heard of. If you can get a job with a bank or with the government, it's like getting 2 weeks extra off each year, just all spread out over 52 weeks. Still it's one hell of a sweet deal), it is something to note. Of more importance is that this is the first holiday in our new home, and since I was once a rambunctious tyke, I know that the neighborhood kids are going to decide who's homes and cars to vandalize for the next year based on what they get in their plastic pumpkin this coming Monday. In other words, don't be the asshole who gives out loose change, unless you are planning to give each kid at LEAST $2-3 in quarters. No dimes nickels or pennies. And no half dollars or silver dollars. Kids HATE those. All kids do. Don't ask why. If you are planning on giving out nickels, or even worse, 5 pennies taped together, expect all of them to be chipping the paint on your car and possibly breaking all of your windows before sunrise. It is a sad state of affairs, but it is true. So I need to get some quality candy. Snickers/Milky Way/M&M's, or Hersheys/Reeses/Mr. Goodbar. Something like that. A mixture of the two is okay, but you are better off picking one brand, so that the kids know what they are getting and can plan out trades with the other moochers accordingly. And since I get them at a discount, I know where I am getting my bribes from.

Also, since my wife and I are newlyweds, we want to wait at least a couple of years before we have kids, because once you have kids, you have no freedom. Everyone knows that, but it can't hurt to reinforce it. But since we both REALLY enjoy practicing making babies, we need some kind of way to keep one from pulling a "WHOOPSEE", and then it is Pampers City. Neither one of us is Catholic, so we wrap that rascal. And since I get an employee discount...

This leads to my first purchase (besides a soda during a break in orientation). Candy and condoms. As I was signing my check, I realized just how bad this looked. I can only hope that since I AM security, I can talk my boss out of contacting the proper authorities by explaining the situation. But even still, it is creepy, even to me.

One last shout out. A big "Thanks" to X-E Entertainment (the title link), for reminding me about the old ladies who used to think 5 pennies taped together was a treat. Even in the 70's that sucked. X-E is a great site, and the Halloween countdown should be required reading. You can spend a couple of days surfing through all the stuff on that site, and the nostalgia for the 80's warms my cynical little heart.

TYPE HARD! (sorry. That will be the last time. I promise. Talk to you all later).


  1. Are you the one in the green shirt?

    I am actually one of those halloween jerks, (see today's post) but If you like I'd be happy to send you and the wife some chocolate frogs, but if it's all the same to you I'll let you buy your own condoms :-) Thanks for fixin the link. BTW what will you be for Halloween, how are those little office politics going, did the Target job replace the office job? If so, I think we will all miss hearing about Asian Mustard Lady. Cheers!

  2. in some kind of order...

    I am not wearing green

    I have not left the hospital. I just changed night jobs in what will probably be a vain attempt at saving my sanity.

  3. Anonymous5:48 PM

    Wow Ron You finally got your picture to post. Look at you in all your glory. And my you have done a lot research on the what is appropriate to give to kids on halloween. I'll take your cue and keep that in mind next uyear. This year I wasn't able to give candy out because I was too late getting home. And you I was scared all day I would come home to eggs splattered all over my already shrunked from all the rain wooden door. I gotta get a door. Did I say that out loud?

  4. Ok I've been trying to get my words to link like you did with your pump up the volume link and I can't friggin get it... Help yikes!

    Blue shirt?

    As for your sanity, I hope that the Target Employee discount will help you gain all the sanity saving items you so despratly crave. :-)