Monday, October 24, 2005

Welcome...TO THE RANDOM!!!

Random thoughts...
People who work for dental insurance companies based in Utah are all assholes and have the mental capacity of a squash. If we need a place to start thinning the herd in order to up the collective average of intelligence in our great nation, THAT should be the first place to go.

My lovely wife was wondering if I was talking about her in a previous post. She realized that I wasn't. I know she occasionally reads this, and I want her to know that I am about to talk about her. So here goes...I am a firm believer that snooze bars on alarm clocks were invented by Satan in order to help usher in the downfall of humanity and the onset of Armageddon. However, our addictive personality as a mass of humanity means that they are in all likelyhood here to stay, so I have to adapt to that. I use an alarm that has to be reset if I want to continue sleeping, and the annoyance of having to focus my thoughts enough to set the alarm, as well as having to squint because I don't wear contacts overnight and putting on glasses is akin to getting out of bed and shuffling off to the bathroom makes me get out of bed just because I don't want to deal with the damn thing. My wife (all of these thoughts feel like they should be in different paragraphs, but I am going to ignore my grammatical instinct for the moment) is a very sound sleeper. Sound enough that I have on more than one occasion held a mirror to her nose to make sure I wasn't a widower. She also likes to wake up approximately 6 hours before she has to, give or take a few hours (that is less of an exaggeration than you think). What is all of this leading to? Well, it means that every morning, for a good 30-45 minutes before I need to be rising from my rejuvanation ritual, I have to wake up to her alarm clock. Problem is, it won't wake her up half the time. And since I cannot Reed Richards' my arms over her to hit that damn snooze bar, I have to wake her up to tell her that her alarm is going off. At which point she rolls over, slaps the snooze bar and falls right back to sleep so that we can repeat the whole thing in 7 minutes. After the morning coffee has kicked in, its funny. At 5:38 AM, it's not. Luckily I gat my revenge each morning by getting to the bathroom first for my constitutional. THAT always wakes her up.

Speaking of the Armageddon, expect the world to end in about 12 months or so. Maybe a week or to either way. But unlike all the KoolAid swilling "I am the Messiah" spewing wackos out there, I am coming from a sense of reality. I am not claiming that God spoke to me or that I know who the Great Beast is. I AM saying that I know what the mark that we will be forced to wear is, and many are wearing it right now. Maybe even YOU. Sometime next year in late October or early November, the Cubs are going to win the World Series. Probably playing the Yankees. Or if you want a true feeling of terror, the Devil Rays. One is named after Satan, one is owned by him. So either one will fulfill the prophecy. A couple of years ago, when both the Red Sox and the Cubs were in the playoffs and it looked like an inevitable showdown, I thought that the end would come during Game 7 of their World Series. Game tied, bottom of the 9th, bases loaded, two outs, full count, he whole nine yards. It didn't matter which team was at bat. The pitched would throw a mighty fastball, which the hitter would connect with, driving the ball to straight center. The center fielder races back, prepared to make his leap. Does it have the distance? MILLIONS of people stand silent around the worls, watching to see what happens. Suddenly, a giant fiery hand reaches up and catches the ball, the center fielder, and the entire left field bleachers. Bing Bang Boom we have the Rapture. When both teams were less than one inning from making the World Series, I maxed out my credit card and planned to head to Vegas for one final week of debauchery. If I was gonna die, I was gonna go in style, with all you can eat prime rib for $10 and hookers that cost 20x that much (no, I wasn't married yet. We were dating, but I wasn't as sure of the outcome of the relationship at the time, plus, I figured her for a "stay w/her mom and be close until they are called" kinda girl. Now I can ride her coattails straight to Heaven. Yay for loopholes!). But when both were eliminated, I realized that it wouldn't be that simple. When the Red Sox won last year I thought we might be approaching cataclysm, but nothing happened. I figured maybe it was not that one (Cubs and Red Sox) would finally win one, but that BOTH had to win one for it to happen. So I waited patiently this year for the Cubs to break out and storm into the postseason and bring an end to humanity. If I had known they were going to do no such thing, I would have cut back on wedding expenses and just rented tuxes instead of going for the full kilt and accessories. Anyway, it was curious. That is when it hit me. There are 3 teams that need redemption before God can call us home.

At this time, I want to make it clear that while I am much more of a football fan than I am baseball, there are no tortured teams in the NFL. No teams with 80+ years of futility. So as much as I would rather watch football on the final day of existence, I will be tuned into the baseball game. With a room full of friends, and plenty of pizza, wings, chips and pretzels, and beer. Even my friends who have stopped drinking for whatever reason wil be joining in for a final toast. There are no 12 step programs in heaven (and in hell, you are forced to listen to Dr. Phil, so you will probably need the booze).

Anyway, I forgot about the White Sox! Satan is a sneaky bastard (I still won't eat apples. It's my way of keeping him at bay), and he knew that we would all think "CUBS AND RED SOX", and forget about the South Siders. Well BeezleBub, I am on to you. 365 days or so, and then it is Revelations time. If you want to refi w/an interest only loan and start spending the kids college funds, go for it. And fuck choloeserol. Have some sausage on your bacon. Fry that Thanksgiving turkey! Eggs and guacamole with EVERY meal! Ice Cream and whole milk. What's the worst that could happen, you miss living through hell, and instead watch it on God's 500ft widescreen digital plasma screen with the DLP technology and surround sound while eating anything you want and spending quality time with all the ones you loved, and all the ones you tried to love but got turned down (you have your Heaven, I have mine).

I have more, but I will get to it later.


  1. Anonymous9:17 AM

    Is vaginga somebody's name?! What's that all about

  2. Hey vaginga, thank you very much for the kind words. Are you also a blogger, or just a random surfer who found me in the melee? By the way, are you named after a combination of female naughty parts and gum disease? (vagina and gingivitis) If not, how did you come up with that handle?