Star Wars soundtrack in my office

First let me say that I am not a huge fan of science fiction. I watched Star Trek reruns with my father when I was a kid, and as such anything with that moniker has a place in my heart. And anyone in my general age group knows that Star Wars was not a movie, it was a cultural phenomenon (sp?), and as such I have the original trilogy pretty much memorized backwards and forward. That being said, I really wish for some kind of Cone of Silence (RIP Don Adams). All day long there are keyboards clacking, phones ringing, copiers and fax machines beeping and feeding paper (loudly), and since IT (the computer people, not the scary clown coming to kill us all) is on this floor, all of the extra bells and whistles from constantly seting up new computers and troubleshooting the old ones cascades down from the ceiling tiles like a cacophony of white noise drowning out my will to live. Or at least my will to work. And as the day goes on, little things start to give me my own Excedrin Headache #9. Like the lady who works in the cubicle across from me who, even though she has a wireless headset, constantly uses the speaker option on the phone. To dial AND to talk. And because of the inordinate amount of background noise, she has to almost yell to be heard. If it wasn't for the mandatory 5 day waiting period...

And then there is gossip. WARNING: EXTREME USE OF GENERALITIES AHEAD. My office is mainly women. There is a pocket of guys over in IT, but they stay to themselves and always travel in packs to avoid all possible human contact. It's like The Phantom of The Opera, only with a degree from Strayer. So in actuality, I am the only guy in the immediate area without a door I can shut when the hens start clucking. And boy do they cluck. They surf the 'net while on hold, and ANYTHING that catches their eye is immediately cannon fodder for a minimum of 30 minutes up to 2-3 hours of "Gurrll, did you hear about..." and "Oh my God listen to this..." and my personal favorite "Oh sh*#! Oh no he/she did NOT! No WAY!..." They will do this until SOMEONE asks them what has got them so riled up. Have you ever been in the store when a kid is trying to get his/her mother to buy them something so they just start saying "Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom..." until you are ready to either buy the damn kid the box of SpongeBob fruit snacks just so you can shove the entire box (not the contents of the box, but the actual box) in the kids mouth? Are you one of those parents that have a child that does that? How do you block it out? What zen mind technique allows you to block out that annoying sound? A little help here? Anyway, that kid's technique for getting the Frosted Cheerios is the same technique that is used here so that we can all learn that Britney Spears and her husband what's his name (the greasy wanna be pimp with the I'm 15 and can almost grow a beard looking facial hair) have hired his ex to be their nanny. Thank GOD I found that out now. It is so much more important than my call to Utah to line up insurance coverage for a special needs patient to have necessary surgery.

To give you an idea of just how banal my office conversation has become, I just sat through a 20 minute discussion on mustard. Yup, I said mustard. It turns out the lady across the aisle LOVES "that Asian mustard". From the other side of the cubicle wall comes "You know what I use? (no but I am about to know, ain't I?) I love that honey dijon kind in the squeeze bottle". Lather. Rinse. Repeat. This is a HOSPITAL! I am not so naive as to think that we work at St. Elsewhere or anything, but DAMN! Can't we at least throw in a few medical terms once in a while so we don't sound like complete morons? If we are going to have Tarantino on qualuudes (sp?) conversations all day, can we at least go full out and go Scrubs here? I want the residents to walk into swinging doors and for someone to sit on a needle full of novocaine so their butt goes numb, with hilarious results. THEN AND ONLY THEN can we have dissertations on mustard.

If you work in an office, especially a cubicle, and you haven't seen the movie Office Space yet, you are a fool. Do it right now. Leave work, go to Blockbuster, and rent it. Otherwise you will not appreciate the brilliance of this website http://www.bullshitjob.com/officespace/ .

More and more I am FOR drinking on the job.