Thursday, March 26, 2009

Alligator mouth meets hummingbird ass

***********There is foul language in this post. If you cannot stand curse words, don't read this. You have been warned*************

It goes back to a saying my father used to use on a fairly regular basis.  "Don't let your alligator mouth overrule your hummingbird ass".  Basically, if you are going to talk, be prepared to back it up.

I went to McDonalds for lunch today.  I have been eating leftovers or frozen meals all week and wanted something different, and also I wanted to get out of the office for 10 minutes.  So I went around the corner to get myself a burger (no matter where you are, there is a McDonalds around the corner.  It is immutable law).

Most McDonalds go by the common feeder line concept.  There is usually more than one register open, but you stand in one line and then next man up.  Well, it seems if you are a Medix student then the rules of decorum no longer apply.

Although I eat at my desk, I (as a rule) go into the place to put in my to-go order.  It started when gas was $3-4 / gallon, and now it is habit.  Plus it is usually quicker, and if they see your face there is less chance of the order being wrong.  Don't ask me why this is, but it is.  So I am inside, in line.  3 of the "students" (basically white trash in scrubs.  And I am pretty confident in saying that no one finds bleached blond hair attractive if it has been 4 months since you last touched it up and you now have a two tone hued head.  A small amount of roots every so often is to be expected, you can't do that to your head every other day and not expect it to die and fall out.  But if your roots are now equidistant to your bleached hair, choose one or the other and go with it.  PLEASE) decided that they were not going to wait in line.  

In the interest of clarity, I should point out that I was NOT right behind the next person in line.  I was giving enough space for people to walk through, so I was slightly back and to the left.  But the first of the triumvirate of Jerry Springer guests in waiting ASKED ME IF I WAS IN LINE AND I SAID YES!!!  And STILL she got right in front of me.  

I didn't say "yup" or "uh-huh" or anything that could have been remotely construed as sounding like a negative reply.  I said "Yes ma'am I am" ('koz I was raised that way, ya see).  And she (and her sister Darryl and her other sister Darryl) stepped right in front of me.  

I shook my head and decided that it wasn't worth the fight to bring to their attention the fact that they were asshats.  Unfortunately for them, they were going to press the issue.

About 45 seconds after I decided they were not worth the breath it would take to make them understand that they were idiots, 2 more of them came strolling in and joined them in cutting in the line.  So now there are 5 jackholes in between me and my food.  4 "ladies" and 1 dude with a scab on his forehead (just what you want to see when you are at the doctor.  An assistant with scabies).  And still, I chose to opt for the better part of valor and said nothing.

It wasn't until they received their food and had to navigate past me to get to the tables that they went too far.  You see, I decided to move forward into the line to make sure anyone else who came in knew of my intentions to purchase food.  My doing so blocked the pathway to the seating area (if only I was standing back a few paces in order to facilitate traffic flow...).  So the 2nd or 3rd one (it is hard to keep track.  It reminded me of a Rock of Love  Contestant reject special) asked me to move out of her way.  And by "ask" I mean she said "Excuse me" in a tone usually used by Molly Ringwald in a John Hughes movie.  And as I moved out of her way she muttered "under her breath" (and by that I mean loud enough for all of her friends to hear) "Fucking lard ass".

And THAT is where my mouth overtook my attempt to keep things civil.  Because before I could stop myself I said "No problem you mouth breathing, cousin humping cunt", also loud enough for her friends to hear.

THAT changed the tenor of the establishment a bit.

Before you know it, she turns back to look at me and moves her jaw, but without sound coming out.  Methinks I stumped her.  I have no doubt that in a few hours she will come up with a SCATHING retort, and will frequent that particular McDonalds regularly in order to give me what for.

Anyway, her friends valiantly rallied around her, and the "male" came up to me in order to defend the honor of his lady friend.  He came very close to me, his chest bumping up against my upper stomach (he was a bit shorter than me, and quite a bit thinner, just to paint the picture a little more clearly).  I saw that he had balled both his hands into fist-like shapes, and he seethed as he said to me "What's wrong fat ass? Can't get to your 25 Quarter Pounders?  How did you get so fat?" (I wish I was making this up.  I really do).  

And after taking a brief moment to compose myself (I was fascinated by the scab on his forehead, watching it throb as he talked, as if it was the only thing that was holding back all of his anger and vitriol from being unleashed on me like a torrent of pain.  It was hypnotic, really), I looked down to him and said "Luckily for you being an ignorant twat burns a lot of calories, eh?"

(I'm kinda proud of that one, really).

So now he is standing there, slightly deflated and realizing that not only am I not intimidated by him, I am fairly confident that I can give him matching scabs on almost any body part he wants.  I can only imagine what the staff was thinking, and the other customers (on the off chance anyone who was there reads this, and I highly doubt it but better safe than sorry, I am very sorry that you had to hear that language from me.  You just wanted a meal that had quality consistent with value) were no doubt a bit non plussed.  But he decided that I was one mountain that he did not want to climb, and went back to the table muttering to himself.  No doubt he also came up with some witty bon mots after the fact, and the 5 of them shared a good and hearty laugh at my expense once I was safely away from their stinging witticisms.  So I wish them well in their future endeavors in the outside world, and I hope they enjoyed their meal.  I know mine tasted better than it had a right to.


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