Friday, March 06, 2009

Public Awareness is on the Rise

An old friend of mine named Nick sent this to me years ago.  How many years ago?  For those who have known me for a while it was when Yahoo was my only email account.

Old, ain't it?

There are many differences here in Purgatory as compared to Moleville.  But there are also many similarities.  One of the similarities is the use of certain expressions tossed about seemingly casually into everyday conversation.  And the frequency that these expressions are used is also somewhat alarming.  Take for instance...

I am pleased to announce that the general knowledge of the public at large appears to be on the rise.  Although, this conclusion has not been arrived at through a true scientific test, certain scientific SOPs (Standard Operating Procedures) have been employed.  In theorizing that public knowledge has indeed increased, I have used my workplace environment as my sample segment of the population.  This environment provides a test group of 207 people, which (given a 5% margin for error) gives a reasonable estimate of the population as a whole.  Understanding this, I am pleased to report that the overwhelming majority of the 207 subjects in the test group appear to have a great deal of general knowledge.  Evidence of this can be seen through the constant employment (almost overuse) of the qualitative statement, "I know that's right!".  Most subjects appear to have a great deal of this general knowledge, affirming that they know what is correct at least five times within any given hour of the eight hour workday (on the average).  The subjects also display great joy in sharing their knowledge as the phrase, "I know that's right!" is often followed by loud and raucous laughter.  However, this investigation has also yielded a possible observation of concern.  The subjects only exhibited knowledge of what was correct.  Not once during the course of this investigation did any of the 207 subjects pronounce, "I know that's wrong!".  Why exactly this distinct lack of confirming falsehoods occurs (or rather, does not) still remains a mystery.  One possible theory for further investigation is that perhaps in having more knowledge, the population at large has also begun speaking more truthfully, thus making it so that there is no need for confirming knowledge of a false statement.  Further research is necessary.  Until these tests are performed, however, please rest peacefully, secure in the knowledge that people at least have acquired enough knowledge to "know that's right!"

And that is news we can all celebrate.

On another note, I also appreciate the freely given absolutions here in Purgatory (yes, I see the irony there).  Another phrase that is bandied about with much repetition is "You ain't never lied!".  

There is a good chance that when you read that your grammar antennae sprouted up like Ray Walston talking to Bill Bixby, but allow me to lay some information on you.

While I cannot defend the "ain't", I can defend the "ain't never" being a good thing.  According to the 1990 Oxford Symposium on the English Language double negatives, while not being proper grammar or acceptable in conversation, no longer constitute a positive.  Instead they confer a doubly reinforced negative.  So when someone says "You ain't never lied!" they are not saying that you HAVE in fact lied, but instead that you have not lied ever in your life, and they want you to know that hey truly believe that and support that stance vehemently.  And since I have in fact lied during my lifetime (I am not the shining symbol of virtue that some have made me out to be, or at least I haven't always been), then all I can figure is that they are releasing me from the bondage of my lies.  And it didn't cost me a cent (I would be less surprised if it was an indulgence of some sort).  

Now while I do not recognize their ability to absolve me (since that would be rather blasphemous of them AND me), it never hurts to have someone putting in a good word for you with the Big Cheese.  So I will take what I can get and leave it at that.


  1. Anonymous10:41 AM

    You do realize the intercedence with The Big Cheese of which you speak, only refers to the lie about the subject the persons are discussing. Nothing further. GSC

  2. again, when you are living on the streets you don't turn down a PB&J because you prefer strawberry jelly to grape. You eat the grape and you like it. Same thing applies here.