I used to be quite the "mark" for wrestling. After I learned the truth behind wrestling (I grew up during the "kayfabe" era, not like the current days where professional wrestling is referred to as "sports entertainment"), I still enjoyed watching it strictly for its entertainment value. Hell, I still enjoy watching it on that rare evening that I am home and it is on. So that is why I am getting such a kick out of what happened yesterday, when my lovely Wifey decided to take on the furniture in a no holds barred cage match. Guess who won...
So while I am here at work, Wifey and I communicate through Yahoo IM (FREE PLUG ALERT). Wifey keeps to a fairly regular schedule while she is home, she wakes up and has some coffee, takes the dogs for a walk, comes back and exercises, does her Bible Study, and does some work from home. Mingled amidst all of this are bouts of housecleaning and Internet surfing. And sometimes, massive amounts of carnage and head trauma.
Wifey decided that the curtains in the living room needed to be washed. I am sure that they did, but in typical man thought, I had not noticed. Now (for those of you who have never seen my house) we live in a typical Baltimore City rowhome / townhouse. Not one of the more narrow ones, one of the more square shaped ones (locals know what I mean). The living room in our abode is really not all that big, and the fake fireplace takes up the majority of the only wall not interrupted by either a doorway or windows (we use the fireplace and the mantel as the place to hold out TV and other entertainment equipment. Not TOO white trash, I hope...). The radiator is along the window ledge. The curtains are above the windows. Do you see where this is going?
No, Wifey did not light the house (or the furniture) on fire (much to my surprise). Instead, she chose to try to navigate around the radiator in order to get the curtains down (because I was not home and we have not invested in a step ladder as of yet because usually we just wait until I am home, or until Larry the Upstairs neighbor is home. He has no regards for any human life, including his own, so he is a safe bet to do anything we need. We just have to preface it by saying "I bet you can't...").
Before we used the mantel for the television, we had a TV stand we got from Target or Kmart or some damn store. It was functional and served its purpose. After we upgraded our TV and decided that putting it up on the mantel gave us more space to work with in what really is a pretty cramped living area, we moved some old VHS tapes onto the shelves, and use the top shelf for candles and flowers and all that crap (can you figure out who decorates the place?). And the bottom shelf, the left hand edge (as you are facing the thing) sticks out a little further than the other two...
It seems that the shelf in question offended Wifey's delicate sensibilities. So she decided to pull a Harley Race and do a flying headbutt to the damn thing. Except she decided to lead with the BACK of her head, which is a curious finishing move to say the least. Eventually a double count out disqualification was ruled the final decision.
I would like to take a minute here to say that I have read storied about little children who see a parent hurt and call 911. I have even seen stories of a family pet, usually a dog, doing things along those lines (I am too lazy too look that up. But I know I have heard of it happening. Look it up if you are so damn interested). Well according to Wifey (and we do have to keep in mind that she had just reverse headbutted an entertainment center and might not be the best reference point for this, but she is all we have to go on here) BOTH dogs ran away as she fell and didn't come back up until they heard her moving around again after some undetermined length of time (Wifey has not given me an exact timeline. I do not plan to force the issue). The cat kept circling her like a vulture, waiting for the end of life so that she could begin to feast on the eyeballs and entrails of her oppressor. And then she (the cat) would set her trap for me in order to finish the forced captivity. But since Wifey never stopped breathing (and apparently didn't even get a concussion) the cat was forced to continue biding her time. For now...
All of this happens after she tells me that she is going to go off and do her Bible Study. As a rule, I don't email / IM / call / talk to her during this time, for obvious reasons. So I am here at work, completely unaware that in my own house there is a retelling of the Undertaker / Mick Foley Hell in a Cell match going on in my living room, with an old entertainment center subbing for an announcer's table. So to say that I am (and all at the same time) frightened beyond belief that this happened and if she had been seriously injured there would have been no way of knowing for God only knows how many hours, relieved beyond measure that she wasn't seriously hurt, and has only a twisted knee and a diminishing goose egg on her head (and when you consider what the outcome COULD have been, well, those are VERY minor injuries), and disappointed beyond description that my beloved Wifey, who poo-poos professional wrestling every time it comes up either on TV or in conversation, was secretly practicing to be the newest member of GLOW behind my back.
All of this does lead me to a somewhat serious point, and that is the cost of health insurance. For all of the problems that working for Kernan gave me (and believe me, there were a lot more than I ever REALLY talked / bitched about here), I did have excellent health insurance. And if Wifey and I had it when my body went all kookoo a couple of years ago, we probably wouldn't be in the financial straits that we are in right now. We did have Wifey's insurance at the time (if we hadn't odds are I would be typing this from a Commodore 64 while hiding in my parent's attic because Wifey and I would have had to sneak in there after we filed for bankruptcy. I think my mother would figure it out since she hangs out upstairs more than my father does, so she would eventually see us sneaking to the bathroom), but the co-pays and deductibles with her insurance paled to what I had from UMMS. Now I (and Wifey) are without health insurance until sometime early next year (it should kick in in January), because COBRA would have cost us almost as much as my checks are (and no, that is not an exaggeration. And THAT is sad) after taxes. So I have put a moratorium on any housecleaning that could be viewed as potentially dangerous (cleaning the bathroom constitutes an acceptable level of danger. Randomly adjusting ceiling tiles does not. Light bulb changes will be decided on a case by case basis, depending on location of light to other sources of light and to things like stairwells and freestanding water).
Coming up soon, the return of GAY DRINK NIGHT!